Because they don't have pockets.
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
What’s tofu made from?
Toes, fool!
Oh how the Times have changed.
To meet the chicken.
... when it is full groan!
(Glad she still has her sense of humor at her age; gives me hope for my future!)
Neither has he...
A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
1
Son: Dad...we need a net.
Me: Why?
Son: To catch our flight.
Because people are dying to get in!
It wears flip FLOPS!
It's the traditional changing of the gourd.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Punchline
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
So I pushed her.
It is a well-known fact that William Tell and some members of his family were members of a bowling league. Unfortunately all the records from back then have disappeared so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
"Breathe you idiot, BREATHE!"
I've never been so proud.
I say nothing
Put a little boogie in it. Never been more proud
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Little Booger: Why are trees green?
Me: Uh, I dunno. Why?
LB: For camouflage!
My daughter didnt know what an inside joke was. After I explained it to her, she then announces an outside joke must be "knock knock...."
Dad, do you know what an olive is? A sick grape.
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today.
Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
It was the right triangle.
Who’s flying this thing?!
When Vader is force choking Orson Krennic and says, “Don’t choke on your ambitions.”
My son looked at my and said, “Ha Ha! Dad joke!”
So proud.
But remember the real reason is because they don't deux-oeuf it.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day, U gave it a weigh.
I decided to give them a new purpose and turn them into a nice belt. But it ended up being too short.
This whole project was a waist of time.
I said to her after reading a reddit fact: do you know what a group of leemurs is called?
A conspiracy
My wife: do you know what a group of crows is called?
A murder.
10 year old from upstairs:
Do you know what a group of cars is called?
Traffic.
My wife fell out. I posted with full dad pride.
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
So I told her 40.
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
The third one couldn’t, her arms were too short.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"
I think he's going through a midlife crisis.
Frostbite!
