"Ok, well, I've got a tube of glue"
"Ha, I've got an entire tin of glue"
"I've got... Bread"
"Damn it, you win. I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants"
He yells "yeah my left one, my right one, and a weeKNEE!" Child giggles ensue. Instilling dad jokes at a young age. Dadding done right. (:
Well we introduced sex to women
Hit my wife with this yesterday during the game, paraphrasing:
Wife: so it's the Los Angeles Chargers now?
Me: yeah they moved the team a few years ago
Wife: but aren't the raiders Los Angeles?
Me: no it's Las Vegas
Wife: oh I got the Los and Las mixed up
Me: hmm I guess you're at a Los for words
She didn't like it as much as I did :D
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, it runs in your jeans!"
- fish 1 turns to a nearby restaurant and asks: shell we eat here?
fish 3 says: is it even good tho?
fish 1 then says: yeah its good, ive haddock with fish 2 before its a very good plaice.
fish 2 says: yeah that plaice is good, when i first took a bite of the food, i let out a huge, oh my cod!
fish 3 says: i trout that tho it seems kinda fishy, arowana eat at this restaurant. halibut that one? i had it with a large grouper before. ive even met the gill of my breams before!
fish 1 says: oh sure! i dont mind.
fish 3 says: there is a caviar tho, its very expensive and of-fish-al.
fish 2 says: oh for heavens hake! you know we dont have the money for that.
fish 3 says: nah im ballin, i could perch-ace the whole store!
fish 2 says: in my breams you cod, you take me for a school?! you are bass-lighting me.
fish 3 says: no, im not bass-lighting you. ive been surfing on this nft hype recently and have made river-bank! keep it as a sea-cret tho.
fish 2 says: oh, thats surf-prising. how much money have you made?
fish 3 says: mmm, about a gillion so far. its difficult to start tho, i had to shell all my craw-perty to a shellfish clam at the prawn-shop! but, i took my oppor-tuna-ty and made profit.
fish 1 says: ughh are you done coral-ling? im starving here!
fish 2 says: actually, do yall sea the curved metal thing up there? The food on it look delicious, let's crab it. - they all agreed unanimously, but little did they know, a wrasse-ful fisherman was up there,
waiting for his next meal. - fin
I replied, “oh yeah, what are you wearing?” He said, “What!? I’m on an airplane man.”
I said “oh yeah? Something about her ring a bell?”
Daughter: "Daddy, this street is so windy and curvy"
Me: "Oh yeah? Is it exciting?"
Daughter: "Yeah, it's like a road-er coaster"
Oh, yeah. Has-beans
My usual response: Hi I'm Friday! Come over Saturday and we'll have a Sunday!
(After 30 years, my oldest, he still loves it and can't wait to become a dad! I still text them ("My Three Sons") my dad jokes for the day (from this sub and another) from to time and still get the groaning replies! LOL! Oh yeah, my youngest shares them with his friends! Ah, I have become an adopted dad jokester!)
I sat down in this bright green chair and out of nowhere, my voice changed. I started talking funny. My buddy says “ Oh yeah, that there is the new accent chair.”
Oh yeah, I'm lichen this.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What's new?" the bartender asks. "Well I finally retired my old car," the guy says. "Oh yeah? Did you find someone to buy it, or did you scrap that old thing?" the bartender asks. "Oh, nothing that drastic," the guy says. "I just got it a new set of Goodyears."
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Me: oh yeah these headphones are pretty good, however, I have to switch ears sometimes or it starts to get annoying. Her: how long does it take before you're ear-itated.
Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone
Me: It's just a little shy
Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...
A genie tells a man: "I shall grant you 3 wishes"
The man says: "I wish for a world without lawyers"
The genie says: "Done. You have no more wishes"
The man protests: "Wait! You said 3!"
The genie replies: "Oh yeah? Sue me 🙃"
One of the main driving factors in this decision was, in the event of someone saying anything along the lines of “wait, you play violin?” I would be able to respond with “yeah I fiddle around with it.”
I waited eight months, EIGHT. MONTHS. for someone to say to me “you play violin?” Then, it finally happened. It was the perfect setting: five of my coworkers were sitting around a table having drinks after work and one of them mentioned the fact that I have a violin. And there it was, the question, exactly as I had imagined it: “Wait, EmergencyTaco, you play violin?” Months of preparation had led to this and, without missing a beat, I responded “yeah, I fiddle around with it.”
He replied “Oh. That’s cool.” And then the conversation shifted. Not one of them got it. I spent $600 for nothing. Nothing but crushing disappointment.
"Oh yeah?!?! I bet you $100 I don't!!!"
Me: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Me: Oh yeah? What kind of animal?
Her: Hmmm...like a bear.
Me: Sooo I'm a polar bear?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
He said “oh yeah, how does a warthog smell?”
“With its nose.”
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
Wife: Ah, whatever no you have not.
Me: yeah, I’ve made all the coffee this year
Wife: oh, ha ha
Oh yeah, Salt-N-Pepa
Friend: You tried Yakiniku when you were in Japan?
Me: Yeah.
Friend: What kind?
Me: I had horumon
Friend: Oh... that's offal.
Me: It really was.
My boss was complaining she really needed a nap. I told her she should just go take one.
Boss "Oh yeah cause taking a nap right now would be so easy."
Me "Its so easy you can do it with your eyes closed..."
Cue her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. My director peaked his head out and nodded approvingly though. Respect.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Really
Oh yeah, people were lined up for blocks
Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, “Yeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?” I replied, without skipping a beat, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”
I said " oh yeah, you forgot the Theasaurus "
but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, “Oh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, “What, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”
Oh yeah, I'm a gamer. A gay Mercedes.
(Gay means happy too!)
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
“Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
“Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
“Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
“Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”
The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
