He’ll come around eventually.
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
If you buy one roof, it’s on the house.
Now that's what I call getting more bang for your cluck.
It's not like he was a huge fan of the fairer seas.
He became a shock trooper
And that is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
It's mime blowing
Thunderwear.
If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
Apparently, he couldn't see himself doing it...
Turns out he just didn't like my posture.
Japan.
"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.
That was the punchline
but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
It's false labor.
I said, "Sure, why not?"
"Really?" "Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
..to find exactly 32 of them.
They are calling it “Ted Cruise”
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
I'll probably screw it up.
http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz
I'll call it the Granola Bar.
Someone posted it about a weak back.
It ended up being a tie
but they never say when it’ll hit.
I will find you. You have my Word.
Me: “why?”
Son: “Because he had noBODY to dance with”
He’s ten and says he came up with it on his own. I’m so proud.
The Coup Klux Klan
...I will not be deterred!!
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
No one crosses me and lives
Nothing ,she just Waves
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
He’ll come around, eventually.
He couldn't see himself doing it!
He just couldn't see himself doing it.
