Whatsapp has changed its feature previously known as β€˜marked as read’

To Mark has read

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ssigea
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.

She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 376
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
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I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 72
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2021
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What do you call a fear of giants?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shadowman2099
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 29 2021
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Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?

Because X marks the spot

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ColorfulStripedLion
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 05 2021
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if you wrote an essay about why capitalism was bad

would you gain or lose marks for not using capital letters...?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PedroHicko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2020
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guess what my dad won’t let me put on my car?

dammit, I’m not even allowed to mark this post as a spoiler

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/biodelt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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My son came up to me and asked:

"Can I have a book mark" I burst out in tears, he's 11 years old and can't remember that my name is Brian

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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Lisa will forever be remembered after she divorced Mark

She has left a Mark.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/InquisitivelyYours07
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2020
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Punny plumber

A plumber is finishing up his last job of the day when he gets a call from his dispatcher to install a water heater. He argues, but the dispatcher says everyone else has gone home and it’s marked as urgent. The plumber concedes the argument and says β€œIt’s a tankless job, but somebody’s gotta do it”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LarsBlackman
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2020
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The quality of education is so poor today that some people don't even know the difference between a checklist and a ticklist!

Checklist: a tool for ensuring coverage of a subject can be completed with a check mark of some form, for instance, a cross, a tick, etc.

Ticklist: someone who is tickling you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jjoojjoojj
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 03 2020
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What do you call a yoga studio with Wahlberg, Zuckerberg and Hamill?

Stretch Marks

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BeardedBinder
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2020
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Im going to start collecting highlighters

Mark my words!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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If Mark Wahlberg married into the old French aristocracy...

He’d be Marquis Mark.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/vbloke
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2020
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How can you tell a train conductor is a drug addict?

The track marks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Baldeagle77
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 17 2020
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How do you feel about the movie, "The Room?"

I give it hi(gh) Marks!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheMightyBattleSquid
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2020
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Why do you never let a cephalopod use your toilet?

Because they leave squid marks

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jacket_with_sleeves
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 23 2020
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Highlighter pens are the future.

Mark my words.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 20 2020
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To the person who stole my calendar...

Mark my words, your days are numbered.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/saltyquill
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 30 2020
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Look at the question mark I'm asking you.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JasehStan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 13 2020
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Working titles for Mark Twain's biography

Somebody please write Mark Twain's biography and please title it either "Making a Mark" or "Unraveling Twain" I don't care which.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DeVoro_1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 29 2020
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What do you call a harelipped dog?

Mark

Before I get whooshed: Mark Mark Mark instead of bark bark bark

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shdchko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 29 2020
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A* Chemistry

I gave my students a periodic table test out of the blue.

They all got poor marks. I was so disappointed.

I thought we'd mastered the element of surprise.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Coronabeer67843
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2020
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Who is the most questioned man in the world?

Mark.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 49
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Phripheoniks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2020
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Know what’s remarkable?

A mark

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hiiam_larry
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 15 2020
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Drawing on yourself should be illegal

The minute you do, you’re a marked man

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 10 2020
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Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.

One shows the other a prototype thermometer.

"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."

The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.

"OK, what temperature is it?"

"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.

"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"

"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bigboyschoolaccount
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2020
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The Queen has never successfully sent an email...

... because she put's the intended recipient in the box marked "Subject".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheBearDidLady
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2020
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Guys, I know why 2020 been so awful.

If we ever get to 2021. I will be endlessly talking people that `2020 is hindsight` and the sear terribleness of this pun got all god and Eldridge abominations to band up and try to end humanity before that happens. With this, earthly insight, I decided that everyone must be informed of the pun. It is, my and I can't die peacefully knowing it has not laid its mark on a mortal soul

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/greenflame15
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2020
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My son always asks for a bookmark...

And I always tell him my name is not Mark

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Desenzitized
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2020
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 24 2020
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I dated a twin once...

I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 306
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/__MrJ__
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2019
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home...

...I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 108
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/_keter_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2019
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I tried to use Adderall to write once.

I didn't like the marks it left on paper so I went back to using a pen.

Source

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StripedTiger711
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2019
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The teacher said, "you're ugly and you breath stinks like ass" as he changed my exam grade from A to D.

That was an awfully rude re-mark.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2020
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Whatsapp has changed it’s feature previously known as β€˜marked as read’

To Mark has read

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ssigea
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.

She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_houser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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I confronted my friend Mark because he refuses to return my dictionary.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 357
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 29 2020
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Oh hi Mark

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/inviktusmaneo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2020
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I was really mad at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2020
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What did the author say to his friend Mark who plagiarized him?

"Mark my words"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/XxShittyGamertagxX
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2020
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I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.

I confronted him and said, β€œMark, my words!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 89
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 17 2019
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Why don't you let a cephalopod use your toilet?

Because they leave squid marks

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jacket_with_sleeves
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2020
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My son

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Averagegloomer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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