I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.

Guess that's my New Year's Resolution

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AqViolet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Looks like the Democrats are now the party of β€œA. Blinken.”
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReepinItReal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My cat just ate a bunch of cheese. Now he's heading to the basement to look for mice

with baited breath.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cparara1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve never met this guy but he posts food puns on every single food picture I post and he’s such a treasure. I always look forward to his puns now.
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BushyEyes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldn’t be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.

But I’m just grasping at straws here.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Propagansus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Now that we’ve discussed β€œwhy the chicken has crossed the road”, what does it look like?

It’s poultry in motion

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xOffthepost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife and I are at my son’s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand master’s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, he’s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks I’m damaged in some way.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad genetically modified a bunch of plants to look like him...now there are green daddys all over the lawn
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedYellon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Where ever my dad is right now I'm sure he's looking down at me

He's not dead or anything, just very condescending.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Geofferz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.

Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deathorcharcoal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 225
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

πŸ‘︎ 239
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Shop assistant fought off armed robber with his labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

πŸ‘︎ 186
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerStorm83
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A pirate walk into a bar

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brony_kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can even look at himself in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I were talking at lunch today...

This happened today and my son hated it, but it got a great laugh from my wife.

We were talking at lunch today and I asked my son how he felt being taller than his dad now. He said "I don't know". Just like a teenager would.

I told him in full dad joke mode that I was afraid he would be looking down on me now. He then said if you feel that way I will get you a step ladder. I said "that would work but then I would be your step dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/upcarrotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost my Tic Tacs today....

Now, I'm looking for replacemints.

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost vision on the left side

So now I look everyone right in the eye

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What's something you looked forward to as a kid but now don't like?

Blizzard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danmanx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Not your normal format, but I have to share as I am pretty proud

For context I work in a prison as a nurse. The other nurses were looking up charges for one of the inmates and hes in for capital murder. One of the nurses asks, "Whats the difference between capital murder and just murder anyway?" to which I was quick to say "usually a bigger M"

I guess Ive been a dad too long now that it comes natural

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/proygratoke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I've often heard that 'ICY' is the easiest word to spell....

Looking at it now....'I SEE WHY'

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
From my son: what did one eye say to the other eye?

Don't look now, but there's something between us that smells.

I've never been so proud

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a new rear tire for my motorcycle today. As the clerk handed it to me, I looked him in the eye and said "guess I can retire now"
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Last year wasn't much fun having a broken neck injury..

.. but at least now, I can look back and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So my dad and I were moving a bedroom set for my grandmother as she was moving into an assisted living home. There was this heavy dresser and my dad said β€œLet’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said

There was this heavy dresser and my dad said β€œLet’s tackle this now rather than later” I looked at the dresser, back at him, back to the dresser, and I said β€œId rather lift it”

He gave me a funny look and sighed. My brother in law laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.

Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..

He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 261
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I broke up with my boyfriend because I realised he’s a communist

Now that I look back, there were a lot of red flags

πŸ‘︎ 360
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vicki_vicki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 731
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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