NoCap Puns

I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I asked him, he told me "Yeah man it's true, no cap."

No cap

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

My mom was making a cup of tea and since I was getting something out of the fridge, asked me if I could pass her the "green" milk, wanting the skimmed milk that comes in cartons with green coloured caps.

Me: "No, we've only got the white stuff".

Made my dad proud.

So the bub was in the tub and I was giving his scalp a scrub.

Our baby doesn't care too much for people rubbing his scalp so I start singing "No, I don't want no scrub."

My wife walks in and asks me if I am having any luck with clearing up his cradle cap.

"Well honey, things have been going a lot better since I tried a little bit of TLC. "

I just opened a beer and she didn't know it was a screw cap.

Her: Did you open that with your bare hands!?

Me: No I just used my normal human ones...

It took her a while to understand what I said.

Me: Have you seen the cap to the green bottle? Her: Off the top of my head.... Me: No, the cap off of the bottle....