I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
My friend: "do you know him?" Me: "No, but he looks like a Luke"
My friend: " That was close! He is Luke with an F, but how did you know?"
Me: "It was just a Fluke"
There were a few irish friends in a pub and one of them was telling a joke about cows but no one laughed.
He should have told a udder joke
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
Did you hear the one about a guy who threw a pork dumpling at his friend for no reason?
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Why did the massage therapist have no friends?
She rubbed people the wrong way.
My friend didn't trust the surgeon with no limbs
I said "don't worry, he's armless"
My friend keeps asking me if I’ll help him build a dock behind his lake house, even though I keep telling him “no.”
Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of pier pressure.
My friend to said to me "there's no situation where a contraction makes sense but its split from doesnt"
My friend has no arms and loves to make jokes about it. They're never any good though.
He doesn't have a funny bone in his body.
A dad meets his friend on the street. “Have you met my daughter Beth?” “No, what’s Beth short for?”
“I don’t know, most three year olds aren’t that tall.”
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.
The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.
It was a ham bush
My friend has a strong prejudice towards people who have no feet...
I think he’s lack-toes intolerant.
My friend and I where discussing how certain names will never enter certain cultures. He asked if there was ever a Korean Juan? I said no, but...
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
My friend told me he could no longer afford his water bill...
So I got him a card that says "get well soon"
Hey guys it's that kid with no friends
I told my friends and family a coronavirus joke at the start of quarantine, and no one laughed.
My friend is pastor of a church that has no divine historical figures with extraordinary spiritual and moral insight...
It's a not-for-prophet organization.
My friend said that stray dogs have no masters.
I agreed and added that they don't even have associates.
Friend purchased a wooden motorcycle. Wooden frame, wooden engine, wooden wheels. I asked if they had ridden it and they said no...
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Decided to help my friend restring his guitar, I have no regrets
My friend is really mad at me because I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my backpack and right
Friend: how do you like your pizza and why. Me: no raisin
A friend of mine offered me a piece of a pizza made out of a magazine that's no longer published. Hesitant at first, it turned out to be tasty!
My friend said he had no idea what would happen if I cloned myself
I replied “That makes two of us”
Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:
"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."
Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.
Why did the carpet have no friends?
People just walked all over him.
I invited all my friends to a Whitesnake concert, but no one showed up.
Here I go again on my own.
My friends accused me that I have no sense of direction
So I grabbed my things and right.
What do u call an asian with no friends?
My friend tried stand-up comedy and making jokes about eyeballs and their fluids. No one would laugh.
I can't blame them; it was vitreous humour.
I don't think I will be good friend with stars,they've got no life!
I told my friends a joke I heard at my mandatory meeting at work, but no one laughed.
I guess you had to be there.
*Daughter’s friend, over for dinner* Me: do you have any allergies? Her: no. Me: are you allergic to dad jokes? Her: yes.....
Me: that’s good, at least I’ll get a reaction.
Friend: Wanna tell me about your new "How to disappoint people" trick that you have been working on? Me: No
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
A friend of mine with no hair invested in bitcoin yesterday.
I said to him that's a bald move ...
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
