Bartender says “Sure... If you say so. Now please leave.”
Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.”
Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?”
Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.”
Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth”
Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!”
Guy and dog leave.
Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
Dad: Great! Make sure the next one likes football.
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
Found this on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”
I tell him that they /r/dadjokes.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
http://imgur.com/9E6GUv9
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
Sir this is a private subdivision.
I'm just passing through.
What's that in the bag?
Oh, these are bonsia plants.
What's a bonsai plant?
They're small trees. See?
Sorry, I can't let you through.
Why?
NO TREES PASSING.
“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize
“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference
“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf
“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render
“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real
“I was the knight that drank too much.” - Sir Rhosis
The Sargent stopped me and said, "No sir, we need an alibi."
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"
The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.
The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.
So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"
"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."
"No, sir, that's un oeuf."
Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?
Me: Piggy.
No, but my lung can, sir.
When he got there, a woman extended her hand.
"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"
Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."
They walked over to her desk and sat down.
"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"
"Oh, just call me Kermit."
"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.
"Do you have any references?"
"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."
Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...
"THE Keith Richards?"
"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."
"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"
"Excuse me?"
"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."
"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."
Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.
"What's this?"
"It's a Hummel."
"A what?"
"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."
She picked up the Hummel and stood up.
"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."
"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"
So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.
"Patricia! What can I do for you?"
"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."
Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.
"I don't see anything out of order here."
"But, Mr. Wilson--"
"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"No sir it'll be round."
*joke courtesy of a local restaurant
Helper: Excuse me sir, can I help you with something?
Louie: No, I'm just Louie King.
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball.
Man: God damnit, I missed.
A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again
Man: Damnit, I missed again!
Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell.
The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail.
Man: God fucking damnit!
The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
Me: Would you like your milk in a bag sir? Random Dad: No, I'll just keep it in the jug. Obligatory laugh because I work in customer service
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead.
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
He asks “Hey, you got any grapes?” The bartender replies “No we don’t, this is a bar sir.” The duck goes home. He comes back the next day and asks “Hey, you got any grapes?” The bartender yells at him and says “No we don’t, and if you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor!” The duck goes home and comes back the next day. He asks “Hey...you got any nails?” “No, we don’t have any nails.” ... “You got any grapes?”
This is in honor of my dad, who says this to me all the time. He doesn’t even know what the duck song is.
He slowly looked up at me, smiled warmly and responded "No sir, I am the chip monk."
when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.
"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.
"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.
The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.
They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
The bellhop asks, "sir, do you have any luggage?" The photon respons, "No, I'm travelling light".
Hi. My name is DAK. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry sir we don’t serve string here”. He then proceeds to tie him into a knot and throw in outside. Whilst outside, a pack of feral canines attack the piece of string until his fibers are loosened in a disheveled manner. The piece of string them proceeds to re enter the bar in need of medical assistance. “Hey, aren’t you the string I just threw out?” Asks the bartender. “No sir,” replies the string, “I’m a frayed knot”
The bartender says, "We don't your kind in here."
"Huh?" asks the string.
"I said we don't serve strings in here."
The string walks back outside. Thinking quickly, he ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair a bit, and walks back into the bar.
"Hey," says the bartender, "Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?"
"No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.
Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.
I lost it.
Happy Fathers day weekend!
is walking in St. Petersburg Square one cold evening, when a light precipitation begins to fall.
"It looks like rain", said the man.
"Oh no dear, it's definitely snow. Look at the way it blows in the light", said the woman.
The man turns to his wife and says, "Let's ask the military officer over there. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely rain, sir!"
"See, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
-
The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
-
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
-
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
-
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
-
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
-
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
-
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
-
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-
A backward poet writes inverse.
-
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
-
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
-
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
-
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
-
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
-
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
-
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
-
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A drunk guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
and says, “Give me two scoops of chocolate.”
The guy behind the counter says, “I’m sorry sir, we’re out of chocolate.”
The man replies with, “well, in that case...hm... give me two scoops of chocolate.”
The guy behind the counter says, “Sir, I’m sorry but we’re out of chocolate.”
The man, thinking hard this time says, “Well, I want two scoops of chocolate.”
The guy behind the counter, now irate, says, “Sir, can you spell the straw in strawberry?”
“S-T-R-A-W”
“Can you spell the van in vanilla?”
“V-A-N”
“Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?”
The man thinks for a second and says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”
The guy behind the counter slaps the countertop with his hand and says, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! There is no fuckin’ chocolate.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"
"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"
"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"
"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"
"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"
"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"
"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"
crashing noises
"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"
"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"
"AAAAAAAAAAH!"
silence
"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."
EDIT: formatting.
Pappu: “Seven Sir”
Teacher: “No, Listen Carefully. If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Pappu: “Seven”
Teacher: “Let Me Put It To You Differently. If I Gave You 2 Apples, And Another 2 Apples And Another 2, How Many Will You Have?”
Pappu: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now If I Gave You 2 Cats, And Another 2 Cats And Another 2,How Many Will You Have?”
Pappu: “Seven!!!”
Very Angry Teacher: “Where Do You Get Seven From”
Very Angry Pappu: “Because I Already Have One At Home“
As my father and I stood at the counter giving our information the desk attendant asked.
“Do you have a floor preference?”
My Dad: “yes I would like a floor...?!”
Desk clerk: “No sir, what level?”
My Dad: “I’ve done this a few times... so how about intermediate”
I swear I could hear eyes rolling all over the lobby.
Found this gem on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”
After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"
The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.
The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.
So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"
"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."
