Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my son's friends in an online game. Nobody laughed.

Last night I was playing an online game with some of my son's friends, and one randomly texted on the in-game chat: "I just ate an apple. RAW!"

I wrote back, "That's hard core!"

Nobody laughed. At least, that I saw. :(

Edit: Holy moly, it gets mediocre response two days ago when it's posted, then it blows up over the weekend. Thanks for all the upvotes, folks! Love all the other terrible jokes & puns on here!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akambe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
So a frog's cousin went to a bar....

... on Friday night and parked in a zone that allowed 24 hour parking on weekends, but only 2 hour parking during the week. While he was there, a family member slipped something into his drink and sold him to a gang that traffics in frog legs. After the amputation he was taken to a hospital. He woke up to his mother telling him him the story you just read. He was a bit froggy from the sedatives, so he said "whaaaa?".

She replied: "I to'd you, toad, you got towed because you we're de-toed by de toad.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dakkamakka
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife got me with this one

We had a work party this past weekend that required a lot of walking and standing.

When I woke up the next day, my leg was hurting. When I told my wife she asked where on my leg.

"Its like the top of my shin," I told her. She replied, "Ohh. I bet its because of the shindig we were at last night." I looked at her and she had a little grin on her face.

I, of course, had to groan in reply as she was giddy with herself.

πŸ‘︎ 291
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyht912
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2014
🚨︎ report
First time dad-joked a friend of mine.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ummagumma26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife's cousin is getting married

Her cousin is marrying a guy named Dee. Last night I had a sudden realization and had to point out something about that weekend.

"So I just realized. After the wedding, your cousin's going to be getting plenty of Dee's nuts."

Now I'm going to have to spend that entire weekend avoiding making that joke at the wedding.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unstablereality
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my own dad yesterday during fireworks

My dad, my brothers, and I have been at our family farm (we don't live there) for the weekend of the 4th. Last night we were outside shooting off fireworks, as any real American does on the 4th. About 50 feet in front of the house is a 4 foot high fence. My dad discovered that one of the cracker launchers we had fit perfectly in the upper part to launch the crackers into the air at an angle. Always the cautious one of the bunch, I responded to his idea:

"I dunno dad, I'm on the fence about this one."

Naturally, my brothers congratulated me on how lame my jokes were and told me to go inside and make more hot dogs.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/degco44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My 3 year old son dad joked me.

About a week ago I purchased one of those cheap checkout isle toys for my son. In particular it was one of the fan type toys that looks like a helicopter, with a small compartment of candy under the handle. Naturally he downs the candy and is toting the toy around for the next six or seven days, putting random items in the compartment. One day it is Lego's, another its rocks, another its dirt, so on and so forth.

Every time he puts something new in it he comes up and shows me what he was able to fit into the compartment.

This afternoon I was getting ready for work and drinking my coffee (night shift's this weekend), when he comes up to me with the helicopter. "Dad, look" as he is shaking the toy around with something rattling inside. "look, look". OK buddy, whats in there?

"CD's".... Huh? the compartment is smaller than a roll of quarters, how does he have cd's in there?

He proudly opens it up and goes "see theese... hahahaha", and just stands there waiting for my reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nathanc98
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
🚨︎ report
There was a boy who really liked tractors...

Tractors were his biggest hobby. He had lots of toy tractors and on weekends he would go and watch the farmers drive their tractors around in the fields. As he grew older, he still liked tractors, but not as much because he started to find other interests. When he turned 20 he met a beautiful girl and fell in love. One night he decided to take her out for dinner to a local restaurant. As they were eating, the whole room started to fill up with smoke. Everyone was panicking so he jumped up and said "calm down, I've got this!". He stood on his chair and sucked in all the smoke in the room, then walked outside and blew it all out. When he returned back into the resturant, his date said to him "oh my god how did you do that?!" To which he replied: "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortoson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
🚨︎ report
East Coast Represent!

Last night my wife and I were getting some of our things together in preparation for a vacation this weekend.

Wife: there's just too much to pack

Me: Yeah, it's not a Biggie

Wife:... shakes head sadly

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VanTil
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.