Dad: *Watching cop show with daughter late at night* Dad: Time for bed kiddo! Daughter: I’m not tired yet though!

Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, she’s resisting arrest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I told me therapist, β€œLast night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”

Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.

Another day, another Dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...

He sleighed Christmas this year.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendOfDrBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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I asked a german the time one night

I have no idea why he grumpily said NO in german and walked off

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theLemonDoom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?

Because she's an on-call-ogist

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I went to karaoke last night. I sang Danger Zone five times, but they wouldn’t let me do it for a sixth time.

They said I had to many Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.

Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StupidBeaver
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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I’m tired of seeing β€œHey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.

I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...

I said, "whatever boats your float."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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I watched 127 Hours for the first time last night

That movie was way shorter than I thought it would be.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexanderellison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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How do I get hard at the same time every night?

It's just like cockwork!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielj6725
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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I went camping for the first time last night, and finally understand why people love it so much...

It's in tents!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greyconscience
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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This is our night. This is our time. This is imgur.com/qL2eY5G
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
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Boys...I think it's about time I called it a night

I'm an adult now, I can't keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anneelhilator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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I was really confused about why it had been night time for so long..

But then it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePurpleArrow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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I met a girl the other night who said she'd show me a good time.....

Took me to the park and ran 100m in 6.5 seconds!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderHallow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I'm a dad now, and I have a nine month old daughter. When I put her in her 12 hour diaper for the night, I say: "It's time to put on your night diaper...

...like Sir Lancelot wore when he was a baby."

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lendrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
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I took my son out for a beer for the first time last night...

I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.

I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.

Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.

I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.

By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
🚨︎ report
The Times Square event organizers have a big night ahead of them...

Hope they don't drop the ball...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prosciuttolover
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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Went out for Dad's birthday last night, he set me up big time...

He asked the waitress what beers were on tap, which included Blue Moon and Sam Adams seasonal. He said "it's not a special occasion, so I'll have the Sam seasonal." After the waitress left, I asked, it's your birthday, what special occasion do you mean? He said "I only have it once in a blue moon."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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Night Porter at work with my favourite dadjoke of all time

Receptionist at work had gone to get a glass of water from the bar. As she came around the corner stephen(the night Porter) was coming around at the same time. Startled, she said "oh jesus!" And without missing a beat he said "no, Stephen" and carried on walking. My admiration of the man rocketed.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steezy1337
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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After my baby woke up crying three times last night, I sent her to jail.

Really, I had no choice. She was resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bill_of_Wrongs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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Every time I wash the dishes at night after dinner, I use a whole bottle of dishwashing liquid.

Another day, another Dawn.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
🚨︎ report

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