Night Birds Puns

Owl sea about that.

We both decided to try pelican, which was absolutely fantastic, but the bill was enormous.

To sleep.

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!

Whats green and smells like bacon?  Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu?  Kevin Bacon

If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries

Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.

Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.

What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.

What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.

What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.

First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.

Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.

If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost

I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon

If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?

This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.

If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.

I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.

My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.

When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

We were driving on a highway at night when a large bird flew out of nowhere and struck the top of our SUV with a thud! I told the kids it looked like an owl.

The next day they were asking if the owl was okay?? Not wanting to alarm them that the most likely outcome was the bird's unfortunate demise, I told them the owl just had to see his doctor, ya know, Dr Who. Only my wife laughed of course.

Last night I was driving home and had a police officer following me. I tried my hardest to go the speed limit. As I was driving, I saw a wild turkey running towards the road. I slammed my breaks but still hit the turkey. The bird flipped over my car and hit the police officer behind me. The cop then turned on his siren and pulled me over. He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

Watching St. Louis Cards v.s. New York Mets on Monday night. Mets wearing Camo Jerseys.

Dad "The birds aren't playing anyone tonight?"

I say "Yes we are playing the Mets right now"

Dad - "Oh I didn't see em"

So I work in produce at whole foods. One of the guys I work with is an awesome older guy. Mid 40's. Anyway. Last night this happened. He comes up to me holding a beaten up looking pear and asks:

"If this pear was a bird what kind would it be"

"I don't know, what?"

"A pearot"

My dad is a night owl and my mum is an early bird, meaning he has a good few hours to plot and scheme his dadjokes...

Well the other evening, he decided to scare the living daylights out of my mum by drawing a face on a melon, stuffing it in a hoodie with rubber-gloves, shoes and jeans and posed it in our morning room.

Now my mum gets up real early, and walks around the house in a grumpy daze, grumbling, scratching and squinting and whatnot with a grim face looking for something to nag about, so you can imagine the sheer pride he (probably) felt wrapped up in bed with that dumb dadjoke grin from his "Hilarious prank", to hear a loud "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" coming from across the hall.

Needless to say i'm pretty sure she found something to nag about that morning.

There was this convenience store and the owner had a parrot perched next to the register. The parrot would talk to customers as they walked by and one day a man was walking by and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw.". Taken aback, the man said "What did you say?" and the parrot said "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

The man was outraged. He talked to the owner and said "Do you know what your bird just said to me?"

"No." said the owner.

"He said I was the ugliest man he ever saw."

"I'll give him a talking to." said the owner. "You come back tomorrow and see if things aren't a bit different."

That night the owner takes the parrot and slaps him around some, and tells him not to insult the customers ever again.

So the next day rolls around and the man stops by the store. He walks up to the register and says to the bird "What do you think you're lookin' at?"

The bird says, "You know."

My girlfriend turned to me last night after we had Thanksgiving dinner and told me "Well I guess you've stuffed two birds today".