A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
My son turned 21 today and as we were about to share our first drink together, I wisely advised him, "Remember, vodka may not be the answer!"
May the 5th be with you...wait, Uhm.
The alarm clock may be bulky, dirty, and poorly designed
But it's what's on the inside that counts.
If you wear glasses and have been required to wear a mask during the COVID pandemic, you may be entitled to condensation.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
May the Fourth be with you! Today’s Argyle Sweater, 5/4/21
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
My 9 year old told me this: What happens if you party to hard on May the Fourth?
>! Revenge of the Fifth!<
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
May be a repost. Idk. Just be gentle.
When I woke up from an operation, the nurse leaned over and said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Why is Dark spelled with a ‘K’ and not a ‘C’?
Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark
People who sell meat and meat products may be disgusting to some people, but.....
People selling fruits and vegetables are definitely grocer.
How come Santa never rides his open sleigh in May?
There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
What has two butts and kills people?
I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
Street sweepers may seem slow, but they're actually really fast.
They're always going "broom, broom."
You may be a dabbler in google fu.
But I'm a black belt in bingjutsu, Yahfu, YouTujutsu, and tae Qwant do.
I was taught by a legendary master named DuckDuckGoku.
In honor of Star Wars Day (May The Fourth), here’s a themed dad joke!
Did you know the temperature of a Bacta tank is lukewarm?
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
What did may say to March after being accused
Your weather may be wet, but German weather is wetter.
What is green and fuzzy and if it falls out a tree it'll kill you?
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
I know you may not think camping is fun.
I called to speak to my doctor and the receptionist asked "May I ask who's calling?"
I replied "Yes you may, go right ahead and ask"
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
My gassy little daughter may not share much with ancient Egypt
But they have their toots in common.
What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
If April showers bring May flowers, What do May flowers bring?
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
If April showers bring may flowers what do may flowers bring?
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