Now they know I’m Siri-less
They call their combined anti-dandruff shampoo and body wash "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and the corresponding face wash "Eyes, Ears, Mouth, and Nose".
It was a Shih Tzu
Their neighbor came over and they introduced themselves. “I’m Bob, this is my wife Cheryl, and this is arson.”
“Kids, bear with me.”
"Oh, kinda like Luke?"
I was so proud of myself for that one.
was a mazing
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".
Hipnosis.
It's just a stocking filler
If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.
Because it’s papa’s new guinea
Yeah, clogs
There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.
Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.
Their teacher
Then it clicked
Kid 1: Let's watch -Japanese name of some anime-
Kid 2: No, let's watch -Japanese name of some other anime-
Me: Let's watch Supphomi!
Kid 2: "What the hell is Suppho... (realization dawns) mi..."
Me: NOT MUCH HOMIE, WHAT THE HELL 'SUP WITH YOU?!
He is 3 years old, blonde, and has black eyes.
Because nature abhors a vacuum
I'm a teacher and a child was acting new I could tell because his fake name was Joe , Joe king
It shows a lot of booty.
They were a total rip off.
Now they're sunk beds.
Here's your new pet bear.
but they had no reservations
I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.
I'm a con artist!
Son- Hey dad, did you get a haircut?
Dad- No, I got all of them cut.
Trying to explain what's around his house he says, "do you know Iona Lake?"
I reply with "No I did not, but good for you man."
I told her Jim can buy his own damn shoes.
[this one is actually technically a mom joke]
...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.
Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."
Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"
Dad: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Kid: I don't know. Tell me.
Dad: I'll tell you later.
Kid: Come on, tell me, please!
Dad: Hahahaha
He then commences to bask in his own wit.
What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants.
.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Those damn elephants aren't gonna fool me this time...
