Told my kids I was getting rid of my iPhone. They thought I was joking until I brought home my new Samsung
Now they know Iβm Siri-less
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Feb 06 2022
Did you know Proctor & Gamble is coming out with some new kids' products?
They call their combined anti-dandruff shampoo and body wash "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and the corresponding face wash "Eyes, Ears, Mouth, and Nose".
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Dec 24 2021
Can't remember where I heard this one, but... I took my kids to this new zoo, but all it had was a single dog
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Dec 22 2021
A firefighter, his wife, and his kid moved into a new house.
Their neighbor came over and they introduced themselves.
βIβm Bob, this is my wife Cheryl, and this is arson.β
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Aug 17 2021
My kids didnβt like the new pet I brought home, but I tried to warn them:
βKids, bear with me.β
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Aug 14 2021
The New Kids on The Block (taken in Bolingbroke, ON)
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Apr 18 2021
A kid was teaching me to play the card game from Solo, and he said each round you get dealt a new hand.
"Oh, kinda like Luke?"
I was so proud of myself for that one.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jun 20 2021
We have a decent sized backyard and I wanted the kids to experience hide and seek at a new level. I hired a carpenter and puzzle author to set up some walls and let me tell you, what they did...
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ May 28 2021
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canβt beat βem, join βem.
ποΈ 38
π
οΈ Jan 03 2021
I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'
I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".
ποΈ 29
π
οΈ Apr 10 2021
Have you heard of the new psychological therapy for trendy kids?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Apr 21 2021
My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg
It's just a stocking filler
ποΈ 16
π
οΈ Oct 20 2020
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you donβt, theyβll just go in one year and right out the other.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Jan 02 2021
Kids want to know why I named my new guinea pig Moresby, well..
Because itβs papaβs new guinea
ποΈ 18
π
οΈ Jan 01 2021
The plumber's kids all got new shoes for Christmas.
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Jan 06 2021
I invented a new myth to delight my kids
There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.
Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ May 27 2020
New study determines what 99% of kids homeschool hate the most
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jun 28 2020
I was having trouble getting our kid buckled into a new carseat...
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Jul 27 2020
Kids wanted to watch a new anime, so I suggested...
Kid 1: Let's watch -Japanese name of some anime-
Kid 2: No, let's watch -Japanese name of some other anime-
Me: Let's watch Supphomi!
Kid 2: "What the hell is Suppho... (realization dawns) mi..."
Me: NOT MUCH HOMIE, WHAT THE HELL 'SUP WITH YOU?!
ποΈ 155
π
οΈ Mar 22 2016
My kid damaged my new IPhone 11 so Iβm giving it away.
He is 3 years old, blonde, and has black eyes.
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Oct 29 2019
My kids just got a new puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, and one in particular. I suggested they name him βNature.β
Because nature abhors a vacuum
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Dec 23 2018
New kid
I'm a teacher and a child was acting new I could tell because his fake name was Joe , Joe king
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 15 2019
Why was the kid not allowed to see the new pirate movie?
ποΈ 24
π
οΈ Oct 25 2018
Spent $75 on a new pair of Velcro shoes for my kid...
They were a total rip off.
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Feb 08 2019
Had to cut the legs off my kid's bunk beds so they could fit in our new house.
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Jan 26 2019
Gave my kids some news that is going to tear our family apart.
Here's your new pet bear.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Nov 24 2018
I thought my kids would be nervous about trying the new Indian restaurant in town...
but they had no reservations
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Apr 06 2018
I picked up that new console my kids've been begging for on my way home from work today.
I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.
ποΈ 13
π
οΈ Jun 07 2018
I ran into my house and screamed, "Hey kids, great news! I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects!"
ποΈ 16
π
οΈ Mar 13 2017
A kid noticed his dad's new haircut
Son- Hey dad, did you get a haircut?
Dad- No, I got all of them cut.
ποΈ 19
π
οΈ Jul 28 2016
Got the new kid at my job today.
Trying to explain what's around his house he says, "do you know Iona Lake?"
I reply with "No I did not, but good for you man."
ποΈ 16
π
οΈ Jul 07 2016
My kid said she needs new shoes for gym...
I told her Jim can buy his own damn shoes.
ποΈ 32
π
οΈ Mar 04 2014
So, I was telling my kids about the history of eating black-eyed peas and greens on New Year's Day...
[this one is actually technically a mom joke]
...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.
Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."
Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"
ποΈ 10
π
οΈ Jan 02 2014
Every Time My Dad Meets a New Kid
Dad: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Kid: I don't know. Tell me.
Dad: I'll tell you later.
Kid: Come on, tell me, please!
Dad: Hahahaha
He then commences to bask in his own wit.
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Sep 17 2013
Dad tells this set of jokes to every new kid he meets.
What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants.
.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Those damn elephants aren't gonna fool me this time...
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Jul 30 2013
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