Told my kids I was getting rid of my iPhone. They thought I was joking until I brought home my new Samsung

Now they know I’m Siri-less

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jetty_junkie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 06 2022
🚨︎ report
Did you know Proctor & Gamble is coming out with some new kids' products?

They call their combined anti-dandruff shampoo and body wash "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" and the corresponding face wash "Eyes, Ears, Mouth, and Nose".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/randomthrowaway62019
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2021
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Can't remember where I heard this one, but... I took my kids to this new zoo, but all it had was a single dog

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Spiritual-Hour-3059
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A firefighter, his wife, and his kid moved into a new house.

Their neighbor came over and they introduced themselves. β€œI’m Bob, this is my wife Cheryl, and this is arson.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My kids didn’t like the new pet I brought home, but I tried to warn them:

β€œKids, bear with me.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThePaceisBack
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2021
🚨︎ report
The New Kids on The Block (taken in Bolingbroke, ON)
πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/seti_alphan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2021
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A kid was teaching me to play the card game from Solo, and he said each round you get dealt a new hand.

"Oh, kinda like Luke?"

I was so proud of myself for that one.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/flyingpimonster
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 20 2021
🚨︎ report
We have a decent sized backyard and I wanted the kids to experience hide and seek at a new level. I hired a carpenter and puzzle author to set up some walls and let me tell you, what they did...

was a mazing

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.

If you can’t beat β€˜em, join β€˜em.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Jay-overthinks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 03 2021
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I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'

I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SmokeRingHalo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the new psychological therapy for trendy kids?

Hipnosis.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg

It's just a stocking filler

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bishslap
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.

If you don’t, they’ll just go in one year and right out the other.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RhaenSyth
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Kids want to know why I named my new guinea pig Moresby, well..

Because it’s papa’s new guinea

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The plumber's kids all got new shoes for Christmas.

Yeah, clogs

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StephenTexasWest
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
New study determines what 99% of kids homeschool hate the most

Their teacher

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I was having trouble getting our kid buckled into a new carseat...

Then it clicked

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Kids wanted to watch a new anime, so I suggested...

Kid 1: Let's watch -Japanese name of some anime-

Kid 2: No, let's watch -Japanese name of some other anime-

Me: Let's watch Supphomi!

Kid 2: "What the hell is Suppho... (realization dawns) mi..."

Me: NOT MUCH HOMIE, WHAT THE HELL 'SUP WITH YOU?!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 155
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Technohazard
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My kid damaged my new IPhone 11 so I’m giving it away.

He is 3 years old, blonde, and has black eyes.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/letsgomina
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids just got a new puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, and one in particular. I suggested they name him β€œNature.”

Because nature abhors a vacuum

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nsertnamehere
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 23 2018
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New kid

I'm a teacher and a child was acting new I could tell because his fake name was Joe , Joe king

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ThotSlyer69420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the kid not allowed to see the new pirate movie?

It shows a lot of booty.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/holy_mountain_666
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 25 2018
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Spent $75 on a new pair of Velcro shoes for my kid...

They were a total rip off.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StonedStoolie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 08 2019
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Had to cut the legs off my kid's bunk beds so they could fit in our new house.

Now they're sunk beds.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Gave my kids some news that is going to tear our family apart.

Here's your new pet bear.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CoachHSBaseball
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I thought my kids would be nervous about trying the new Indian restaurant in town...

but they had no reservations

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I picked up that new console my kids've been begging for on my way home from work today.

I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NotActuallyStudying
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I ran into my house and screamed, "Hey kids, great news! I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects!"

I'm a con artist!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 13 2017
🚨︎ report
A kid noticed his dad's new haircut

Son- Hey dad, did you get a haircut?

Dad- No, I got all of them cut.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BongoKing3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Got the new kid at my job today.

Trying to explain what's around his house he says, "do you know Iona Lake?"

I reply with "No I did not, but good for you man."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/carnageraiser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2016
🚨︎ report
My kid said she needs new shoes for gym...

I told her Jim can buy his own damn shoes.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/W0rdN3rd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 04 2014
🚨︎ report
So, I was telling my kids about the history of eating black-eyed peas and greens on New Year's Day...

[this one is actually technically a mom joke]

...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.

Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."

Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BunsOfAluminum
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Every Time My Dad Meets a New Kid

Dad: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Kid: I don't know. Tell me.

Dad: I'll tell you later.

Kid: Come on, tell me, please!

Dad: Hahahaha

He then commences to bask in his own wit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/OuterSpacewaysInc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad tells this set of jokes to every new kid he meets.

What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Here come the elephants.

.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the giraffes coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?

Those damn elephants aren't gonna fool me this time...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Froggy_hop
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 30 2013
🚨︎ report

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