We are remodeling the bathroom due to mold, and long story short Nicholas wasn't allowed in his room. While in the front room he moaned as loudly as he could "I'm booooooooooooooreeeeed"; I picked up the nearest 2x4, stuck it out the door and said "Hi board, I'm plank".
I got two chuckles from the contracter and my stepdad, and an "ungh" from Nicholas.
There was a man His name was Lang He had a neon sign Because this man was very old They called it Old Lang's sign.
I text a picture of our new American Bulldog to my dad.
Dad: Where are his legs?
Me: He's sitting down and it's a weird angle!!
Dad: Oh good I was thinking he would be hard to walk.
Driving past a field of hay with the Dad. as this is the 30 billionth hay field we've passed, it goes unnoticed by me. We've already made the obligatory hey!/hay! joke. Several times.
So I was completely off-guard when he goes 'You know what the Canadians say? Eh!'
I say if it ainβt baroque, donβt fix it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach!"
My wife and I welcomed our new daughter this week. The wife wanted some classic rock while she was pushing. We were all there, the doctor, the main nurse (with whom we were joking all day long) and a few other nurses. This was the moment of truth.
Suddenly, the Scorpions' "Rock you like a hurricane" comes on, and my wife exclaims: "This is exactly what I need to pump me up!! She is going to be a Scorpion!"
To which I replied "Actually, she'll be a Sagittarius"
The nurse looked at me surprised, cracked up, the wife rolled her eyes, and a few breaths later my daughter was born.
I have never been prouder to be a dad.
So I work retail and I was restocking shelves on a hardware isle with tools, doohickeys, and thingies. He was walking and talking with a new boss (training him and such) when they stopped at my isle. They didn't really notice me so it was perfect.
I picked up a stud finder and hit 'em with a classic!
"Hey guys check it out! It's a stud finder" Runs it over chest "Beep beep beep. Oh hey it's working!"
My boss had a few chuckles and the other guy said something about it being stupid but smiled anyways. Me? I was laughing my ass off.
He's Talking with a coworker.
Dad: My wife went to the hospital this morning.
Coworker: Really!? What happened?
Dad: It was her first day at her new job.
Classic dad.
So i know the joke is old, but the application was classic...
I was with my dad buying some glass cutting supplies and the guy in the store was really dry and seemed to take his job pretty seriously. We wrapped up our purchase and the shop worker asked if we wanted a quick tour of the production facility. We said 'yes' and walked into the back. Shop worker guy showed us some bullet proof glass, and a new self obscuring glass... then he mentions that most of what they do is provide mirrors for elevators and he turns to walk us over to the last section of the facility where they do wood grain backed mirrors. My dad stops walking and says "elevators hey"? The shop worker turns and looks at him... "I hear that industry has it's ups and downs"... Shop worker guy makes eye contact with me and turns and continues his tour. While no noise escaped his lips i could feel an internal groan that shook the walls.
I was over my rents eating dinner the other day and was talking to my mom about work.
Me: I have this new manager, and she keeps asking me all these asinine questions about the most basic things
Dad: I'd only give it an 8.
Me: Wha.....ohhhh
-________- classic dad
