News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...
Mo-roccan.
This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.
Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?
...cause those hips don’t lie
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
How much does the entire United States cost?
Nothing, because it's a free country
My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
Why did the Koala immigrate to the United States?
Because he wanted the right to bear arms.
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
What do you get when you mix a prophet with an enemy of the state?
There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.
Did you ever hear about the police unit that had a drug duck instead of a dog?
It was excellent at detecting quack
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.
During testing of a new version of Mars rover, a cat entered the test track and was run over. However, the cat was resuscitated when one staffer played a Benny Benassi hit track. A NASA representative has stated...
...that it was a pity that Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought it back.
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
Watt is the unit of power?
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...
There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.
Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.
...It was Kief or Southernland
The clandestine copying and distribution of literature banned by the state can be proven simply by comparing copies side by side.
Because that bit there is samizdat bit there
I'm not sure what the big deal is with the national bird of the U.S
I've never seen its balls, but people keep saying it's a Balled Eagle
We need to add three more states to the United States of America
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
The United States Postal Service got jokes
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.
Someone has been cutting corners.
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?
The Air Force, because they're US AF.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
What's the opposite of Manchester United?
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?
Breakfast, brought to you by the 7th Secretary General of the United Nations.
If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?
I was surprised at first that the national dish of Tanzania was pasta
, but I'm not one to question it, and I can't deny it was great Serenghetti.
My friend asked me my opinion on the National Debt...
I said it is big enough to take care of itself.
I was throwing darts at a map of the continental united states when I...
The United States is a cancer.
Its birthday is July 4th.
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
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