My Pride Puns

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

He took this out of his wallet. Apparently he's been caring it around since the 80s: http://imgur.com/ri2NcWR. Making dad jokes before he was even a dad!

When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products "pride" and "joy". The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times.

my pride and joy

Here's the picture he showed me.

proof

http://www.mtfca.com/discus/messages/411944/471066.jpg

(he kept it in his wallet)

My son asked me this morning why our 10 year old dog is no good with Linux. Then he explained to me that "you can't teach an old dog Gnu tricks."

How do you get a symphony drunk?

.

.

.

Cello Shots!

Me: Not today, Dad.

My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face

I use because, because, because is a conjunction.

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?"

Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet"

There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad."

My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!

I said to her after reading a reddit fact: do you know what a group of leemurs is called?

A conspiracy

My wife: do you know what a group of crows is called?

A murder.

10 year old from upstairs:

Do you know what a group of cars is called?

Traffic.

My wife fell out. I posted with full dad pride.

I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love."

To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain."

No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.

While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"

To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."

I'm still absolutely floored with pride.

A nose, dummy.

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter. Such pride.

ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

ME: No, it was with a knife...

My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.

They say "A man's pride is his downfall"

Not for me though. My lions are well fed.

Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...

"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"

He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.

My dad says, "She loves it, her face just lights up when she plays with it!"

I said, "Yes, that's because it's a flashlight."

The look of pride on his face and the groaning made the last 30 years worth it.

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

I was so proud of my own dad joke, I still remember this 20 years later.

My family was at a food court with lots of options so we all wanted to get different things. My dad opened his wallet and said to me, "Do you think you can eat on $5?"

To which I replied, "I'd prefer a plate, but I guess I could give it a try."

Given that I'd learned to dad joke from my dad, he smirked at me with what I knew to be pride.

My dad was talking about his college calculus class

Dad: "I could barely understand my calculus professor. He was always speaking Chinese"

Me: "Are you sure he was speaking Chinese or was it just all Greek to you?"

Everyone except my dad groaned. He was beaming with pride

Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, "I wonder why they don't consult on minuses." My daughter said, "because they're too negative." Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride.

I'm in the back seat of my dad's car, as we're driving down a rather busy street of a populated city. My dad taps me on the shoulder and gestures out the window with an air of disgust.

Dad: "I can't believe all the political advertising they have out here."

I look around for quite some time, expecting to spot a house covered with election signs or political party banners. All that I see are a series of pylons with road signs intermittently placed in between them.

The signs say: "Keep left."

My dad snickers with pride and drives off.

We ordered Chinese food last night, and my dad and I love spare ribs. My dad pulls out the bag with the ribs and plops it on the table, it makes a "Thunk" sound and I jumped "Wow! There are a lot in there!" I said.

My dad smirks and says "Ribs? I bet we got a whole chest!" He began to snicker a little at his own comment.

"What do you mean a chest? They are clearly in a bag!" I answered. The look of pride and anger in his eyes was one I will never forget.

On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(

We were driving through an area we hadn't been to before.

Dad - "Do you know where we are?"

Me - "I'm not sure, but that Church rings a bell."

He gave me a look of both pride and shame with my pitiful joke.

Last time I went home, dad had a friend over who shared with us the struggles he now encountered with providing daily basic care for his own aging, terminally-ill father.

"You just can't imagine right now," he assured me, "what it's like to wipe your own father's ass after helping him off the toilet."

"Yeah, well I'm sure you're right," I responded, "but I certainly can imagine it's pretty awkward. He's all bent over. You're back there trying to clean him up and pretend everything's normal, of course he's gonna be fine, when suddenly your eyes meet. With his voice filled with pride, he says, "that's a real good wipe, son."

My dad and his friend laughed their asses off.

I had a quintessential moment that I never thought would come...

My family and I were at church, and my son comes over and pokes at me to get my attention. I lean in close, and he says "I'm hungry."

My response? "Hello Hungry. I'm Dad, how are you?"

Needless to say, there were some folks who were unimpressed with us trying to stifle our laughter...or my pride that he thought it was funny. Got to start 'em young!

My brother's wife recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and being a new father, my brother and dad sat down to talk. I heard my brother expressing his concerns about being a new father, and all the challenges it would bring. My dad just smiled and put his hand on my brother's shoulder, pulling out a big, goofy colored book titled '1001 Dad Jokes.' With this, my brother began to tear up. He looked at my dad and said "Dad...I'm honored." My dad, with some tears of pride in his eyes as well sniffled and said...

"Hi honored, I'm Dad."

We were eating dinner. Mom was complaining about her Wendy's broccoli & cheese baked potato. She quietly said "gee whiz...", so I give it a second and respond "no. CHEESE whiz."

After a few more seconds my mom mutters "whaaat?" while my Dad's face is contracting.

Unreasonably high levels of pride followed.

My girlfriend said she needed to make an eye appointment soon as I was driving her back to school before work.

I said, "Don't you have to get an A appointment and an E appointment first??"

She stared at me while shaking her head in disbelief.

Pride level: High

(May have been dadjoke'd before.. If so, my apologies. There are some smart guys out there)

Me: how is your homework going

Him: I'm done

Me: Don't call yourself dumb, your are a smart boy.

Him: No dad, I am finished.

Me: You are Finnish? I didn't know you were from Finland.

Him: laughing

My wife: heavy groans and eye roll then promptly walks away

Me: Beaming with pride

My Pride and Joy

I'm making Mothers day cards for my mother deli co-workers. I kind of have have an idea for one of them (http://imgur.com/3FKyto0) I want to play on deli themes.

Prima Della is one of the brands we use, others are Hormel, Charlie's Pride, Sara Lee, and Jenny O. In the deli we have a deep frier and hot case, meat/cheese slicers and make sandwiches/salads.

Any fun plays on words for any of those that would make a fun PG-PG13 card? Nothing too vulgar, I work with these ladies

So tomorrow's schedule is up in the air for a lot of different reasons. My son and I were talking about the day and I mentioned, "Just stay fluid and we'll get it covered."

"No problem dad, after all I'm 70% water."

/facepalm as I wipe a tear of pride out of the corner of my eye.

My buddy and I went to get food after we cooled down from the gym. We went to chili's and I ordered a steak. The stake came out undercooked, but I prefer rarer steaks anyways.

As I was eating, I said, "This steak isn't that great." He replies with, "I guess it was a mis-steak," with a smile on his face. I replied with, "You get two more laps tomorrow for that. His response was, "I guess the steaks just keep getting higher." I shook my head in disgust and secret pride for him.

Sorry for format. I'm on mobile.

We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.

I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will try to lecture me.

I said, “Yeah. The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”