Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that โDING DONGโ sound. One of my bosses said โanyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.โ
I said โare you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?โ
I HAVE WON THE DAY
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︎ Oct 26 2021
My daughter asked me why there are a lot of soaps that smell like lavender. I said "It's just a popular smell that a lot of people like, like sweet orange, lemongrass and rosemary." She paused and then nodded and replied:
"Yes, that seems like common scents."
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︎ Nov 26 2021
My uncle named his dog '5 miles' so he could tell people that he walked 5 miles
Today he ran over 5 miles
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︎ Oct 08 2021
My construction worker friend thinks artsy people like me are so dumb.
He asked me, "What's a 2x4?" So I said, "To play the low parts."
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︎ Nov 01 2021
My Uncle David told me that people in the 80s had the chance to have super powers for 24 hours and they could do what ever they wanted with them
He said "We could be heroes, but just for one day"
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︎ Nov 22 2021
My state just imposed a new duty to punish people for their poor grammar
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︎ Oct 18 2021
My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
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︎ Oct 20 2021
My dog loves to chase people on bicycles.
I don't know who taught him to ride one.
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︎ Nov 16 2021
Ok peoples Im looking for some puns to name my new tea shop
All i need are some some good puns for a name
THEY MUST BE TEA RELATED
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︎ Aug 31 2021
My dad hates people who have succumbed to frostbite.
He's lack-toes intolerant
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︎ Oct 09 2021
When I was young people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head.
Life was tough in the gateau.
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︎ Oct 03 2021
Made m'self laugh (i still send it to people as one of my greatest works)
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︎ Oct 04 2021
Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."
World's Worst Therapist: "I see."
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︎ Sep 30 2021
I want a brain transplant and people always say I keep changing my opinion.
I won't let them to change my mind.
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︎ Oct 26 2021
People keep asking for the name of my Indian corporate catering service
I tell them itโs Naan Ya Business
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︎ Sep 01 2021
Some people say, โPotato, potahtoโ as if theres no real difference , but in my opinionโฆ
Theres a STARCH difference.
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︎ Aug 29 2021
People say I sound like there's bread in my mouth when I talk
I have a yeast inflection :(
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︎ Sep 18 2021
Some people get Wheele-y Tired of my puns, so I have to Tread lightly. JEEPers, I have to stop.
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︎ Aug 15 2021
My grandfather hated people with deformed feet
He was lack toes intolerant
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︎ Jul 23 2021
People often ask me if I was dropped on my head as a child.
I say, "No. I was dropped on the floor."
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︎ Aug 02 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heโs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
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︎ Dec 03 2020
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︎ Aug 27 2021
People think my diabetes jokes are too harsh...
But they are too sweet for me.
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︎ Aug 28 2021
People said Iโd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins
But take a look at me now.
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︎ Aug 08 2021
People always ask why I wear my pants so high up.
I was always taught to practice good high jean.
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︎ Aug 20 2021
My father went to a funny farm where he said the many people working had helped him keep his wits about him.
He had a good mental faculty.
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︎ Aug 19 2021
My daughter can't tell the truth when mixing with other people.
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︎ Aug 19 2021
"Kids! You'll be happy to know that like most people my age..."
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︎ Aug 06 2021
My brother can't stand people with missing toes
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︎ May 22 2021
My friend asked me why I never make jokes about lazy people
I told him those jokes don't work
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︎ Jul 13 2021
From my son. "What do you call Coffee for sad people?"
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︎ Apr 11 2021
My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens
but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
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︎ May 28 2021
A lot of people say my favorite flavor is a myth.
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︎ Jul 13 2021
A lot of people say the me and my older brother look alike
I agree because I have his jeans
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︎ May 23 2021
People would see through me if my kid became a transgender
Because I'd be a transparent
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︎ May 07 2021
People ask my secret to a happy marriage. I tell them the trick is my wife and I go out to dinner twice a week.
I go Tuesdays and my wife takes Thursdays
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︎ May 14 2021
I named my dog 6miles. So I can tell people I walk 6miles every day!
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My wife asked me to pick up cold drinks because a lot of people were coming over for a party.
I didn't know how many so I picked seven up...
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︎ Jun 28 2021
I finally quit my job teaching people how to use roundabouts
I felt like my career going round in circles
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︎ Jun 20 2021
My wife asked me, โAre you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?โ
I said, โActually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.โ
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︎ Jul 14 2020
It really blows my mind how many people have 401ks.
I could never run that far.
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︎ Jun 22 2021
I feel really good when I read through the peoples names and phone numbers stored in my phone...
I love a good Contact high.
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︎ Jun 06 2021
My son; Dad, did you see some blonde Hollywood actress named Reese somethingโฆjust stabbed a bunch of people?
Me; Witherspoon?
My son; No, with her knife.
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︎ Jun 01 2021
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sinkโฆ
No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.
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︎ May 10 2021
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants โWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good olโ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!โ He was surprisingly vocal...
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︎ Apr 24 2021
My son can't stand people with missing toes...
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︎ May 24 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint
Now heโs high on the list of people I never want to see again.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
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