The guy who stole my diary died yesterday.
My thoughts are with his family.
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︎ Nov 17 2020
Dad: the guy who stole my ipad could
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︎ Jan 09 2021
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
..you can hide but you canβt run.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I always buy my weapons from a guy called T-Rex.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
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︎ Dec 14 2020
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
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︎ Jan 05 2021
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
A guy I donβt know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard
I told him βI woodnβt do that if I were youβ
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Guys, I think my friend is addicted to spending money on female Twitch streamers
He's showing dangerous simptoms
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︎ Jan 04 2021
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.
Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My sister is going on a date for coffee with a guy named joe....
You could say sheβs going for a cup with Joe.....
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, βTHE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!β
It might be farmer Geddon.
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
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︎ Jan 06 2021
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
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︎ Dec 22 2020
To the guy who stole my antidepressants
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︎ Dec 10 2020
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, βTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.β I asked. βWhat did they look like?β He replied...
βFifty dollar bills.β
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︎ Dec 07 2020
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool.
So, I handed him a glass of water.
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︎ Jun 19 2020
Sorry guys , I just lost my Virg-
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︎ Jul 02 2020
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Iβm at my school talent show and this guy said...
βbefore I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..β
βif your name is Michael, please stand upβ
then a couple of guys stand up
and he goes
βthat concludes my mike checkβ
(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!)
Click here for credit
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My chiropractor is a funny guy
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︎ Oct 11 2020
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
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︎ Nov 21 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
The guy who mans the fishing rods on my boat tried to convince me to vote for a candidate. I fired him.
Pole workers aren't allowed to do that!
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︎ Oct 31 2020
A guy came to apply for a job at my ski resort but suddenly walked off angrily...
All I said was "there's snow jobs available."
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︎ Oct 30 2020
The delivery guy threw my pizza at me.
Apparently I ordered uber yeets
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︎ Oct 30 2020
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
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︎ Mar 06 2020
A guy made a hurtful song about me and I couldn't get it out of my head.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
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︎ Jun 01 2020
What-a-rack! Made these for my boyfriend's birthday. Hope you guys like them.
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︎ Jul 31 2020
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I donβt want him to spreadsheet about me.
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︎ Sep 04 2020
My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
The guy who did my urinalysis made way too many jokes to be a professional
It was a complete pisstake
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︎ Sep 09 2020
To the guy who stole my anti depressants
I hope youβre happy now
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︎ Aug 28 2020
I lost most of my retirement to that guy from Happy Days.
It was a real Fonzi scheme.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Hey guys, my nameβs Chad. Iβve been sober for 47 days now.
Not in a row or anything. Just... total.
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︎ Jul 21 2020
I went to an outdoor mall today and there was guy misting water at people as they walked by. My wife quickly avoided him.
Mister mister missed her.
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︎ Aug 29 2020
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
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︎ May 28 2020
My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked βcould you guys load the dishwasher please?β
So my dad brought her a glass of wine.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"
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︎ Apr 03 2020
My friends and I were discussing about different kinds of alcoholic drinks, and this guy kept talking about a Japanese one
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︎ Jul 28 2020
I finally got the Spotify cake. You guys like my posts right?
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︎ May 30 2020
The guy who stole my diary has died.
My thoughts are with his family.
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"
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︎ Aug 01 2020
My chiropractor is a funny guy
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︎ Oct 11 2020
To the guy who stole my antidepressants...
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︎ Dec 10 2019
To that one guy who stole my antidepressants...
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︎ Aug 28 2020
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