So I said, "You're an ambulance."
What a strange thing to say
It came with the siren blaring βmee maw..mee maw..mee maw.β
Me, leaning down: "You're an ambulance".
I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!
He'll never sell ice cream going that fast
..they'll never sell any ice creams going that fast...
Jokingly I said, "I wonder if they have a patient in the back while they are pumping gas."
My dad replies, "I bet that he would have a lot of patience."
Dad:has a heart attack
Dad:Call me an ambulance...
Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....
Dad:....
Dad: That's my boy...dead
A while back, I had a small housewarming cookout. While my dad was eating a burger and I was still on the grill, he had some sort of episode where his heart stopped. Ambulance came and took him to the hospital and now he's doing fine again.
However... He tells all his friends now "You should try my son's grilling. He makes killer burgers. They're absolutely to die for"
facepalm
Now THAT'S a devoted dad-joker
My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:
Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)
Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )
Then during bathtime:
Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)
Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)
Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)
Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolutely killed)
Granted I'm sure he's collected these from various sources such as Morecambe & Wise, the holy grail of dadjokes.
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I try not to mention donkeys around my dad, otherwise he will say "Eeyore! Eeyore! Eeyorelways (he always) says that!"
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If a police car ever drives by and I'm with my dad, he'll get me in a headlock and shout "I've got him!"
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If I ever start a question with "do you know.." he will always reply with "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it"
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If you stand in front of the TV, my dad will tell you "you make a better door than a window."
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If there is ever an ambulance going by with its sirens on, my dad will always say "He'll never sell ice-cream going at that speed."
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Whereβs the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history β with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it werenβt for C, weβd all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donβt.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks βmay I join you?β
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft⦠and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itβs a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive βdat assβ so once a month my computer asks if I want to βback dat ass upβ.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheβs been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to βincorrectβ. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say βYour password is incorrectβ.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Itβs ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnβt know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnβt have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit β‘Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr
... keep reading on reddit β‘When I was younger and in the car with my dad, we'd be driving normally then say an Ambulance would zoom past with it's lights flashing and sirens going off, he'd always turn to me and laugh and say "They're never going to sell Ice cream at that speed".
My dad and I were sitting at the table just now when a bunch of emergency vehicles raced past my backyard with their sirens blaring. There were at least a dozen fire engines and ambulances. A few minutes later, they all drove back the other way with their sirens turned off.
While we were trying to figure out what was going on, my dad said, "Must have been a false alarm."
I responded, " Maybe it was some kind of drill."
My dad got that look on his face, and he said, "Fire fighters don't use drills, they use axes."
My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.
"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."
At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"
He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"
So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.
Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"
Her : "What now?"
Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")
"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"
Her : "What?"
Me : "A human toe."
Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.
"Eeeewwww. Then what?"
Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM
Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."
And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.
Two pregnant ladies meet at the prenatal care unit. They quickly hit it off and can't wait to start hanging out. They have ladies nights on Mondays, double dates with their husbands on Wednesdays, but on Fridays they decided to learn Karate. The instructor at the dojo reluctantly accepts, against the advice of his understudy. Go figure, two weeks in, both ladies have their water break. The instructor tells his understudy,
"quick, call my Optometrist!"
The understudy responds, "What? No, I should call for an ambulance. Why would I call your Optometrist at a time like this?"
"Because my pupils are dilating!"
Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:
I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.
At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.
Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.
A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.
TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.
Man on the phone:Β Send an ambulance, quick! My wife is going into labor! Doctor:Β Sir, please stay calm. Is this her first child? Man:Β No, this is her husband!
I was recently hit by a car and taken to hospital by ambulance. 1 hour later my dad shows up and the first thing he says is
"You hitting the road?"
It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...
Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.
Kinda just snowballed from there...
Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.
Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.
Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.
I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:
Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.
And my sister chimed in too:
Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.
The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!
Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.
Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.
Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.
Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.
Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.
Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.
I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!
Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.
Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.
Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.
Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.
Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.
Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.
I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?
Had a seizure. Epilepsy sucks. I woke up, then this happened.
Dad: "Ah, you're awake. Did you see God?"
I couldn't quite see yet, but I knew he was waiting to say something clever. So I tried to turn it around before I passed out again.
Me: "I don't know. I might have. If I did, he bears a striking resemblance to the carpet."
Dad: "Let us thank the Floored that you didn't hurt yourself."
My stepmother said he made several more while I was out in the ER and in the ambulance.
Goddammit, dad.
My dad is a truck driver. This story gets everyone he's ever told it to: Dad: "So I'm driving through Detroit at about 3-4am to start my route. As you know, most of the inner city roads are crap, and are polluted with potholes. Suddenly I see an ambulance in my mirror going full speed with its lights on. I immediately pull off to the side of the road to let it pass. This is where it gets crazy... The ambulance drives through the intersection bouncing through potholes and as it does, the back door flies open and a cooler pops out, but the ambulance keeps going like nothing happened. Well I was the only one around at that time of the night so I immediately stopped to grab the cooler. I bring it into my cab and it has a hazmat sticker on it but the seal is broken. So I decided to open it up and see what was inside. It was a human toe!" Me: "Holy shit! What did you do!?" Dad: "I called the toe truck"
I was in the car with with both my parents, turning into Starbucks where we see an ambulance parked with its lights flashing. As we get closer, two paramedics come out of the store with a man on a stretcher. My dad drives up to order from the drive thru and says...
"So I heard you guys have some killer coffee."
My brother drives for St John's ambulance service and had just dropped a patient in hospital when he came out with this corker..
Nurse: So what's the patients name?
Brother: Ron
Nurse: That's the second Ron we've had in today
Brother: Well you know what they say, 2 Rons don't make a right
Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.
So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.
"My husband lost a big toe in a freak beach accident when he was 4. He likes to tell kids that when it happened, they didn't call an ambulance, they called a toe truck."
Source: http://imgur.com/OqPdgoJ
..they'll never sell any ice creams going that fast...
