I live in the house next door to where the Notorious B.I.G. grew up as a child.
The current owners let me take a look inside. No biggie.
I invited a bunch of rappers to my party. Most of them showed up, but Notorious B.I.G. couldn't make it.
What did the cops think when Notorious B.I.G. died?
They thought it was no Biggie.
Breaking news regarding the notorious abuser of a certain Irish novelist.
G – A – B – C – D – E – G – F#
Damn!
I just majorly fucked up.
Updated: For the notorious dad joker who wants to melt a heart… and then kick it while it’s defenses are down
I posted yesterday about how my 8 y/o son used a knock knock joke to melt my heart and turn me into a bowl of mush. Only, he was playing the long game …. And had a new joke waiting for me this morning.
Yesterday’s joke (when I was expecting interrupting cow):
Knock knock.
Whose there?
Good.
Good who?
Good morning, I love you.
….
….
Today’s joke (when I was expecting yesterday’s again):
Knock knock.
Whose there?
Good.
Good who?
Good Lord, you smell!
….
….
Thanks son, I’m glad you exist but you’re ruthless.
For the notorious dad joker who wants to melt a heart
Try out this almost joke that my 8 year old used on me this morning …
Knock Knock.
Whose there?
Good.
Good who?
Good Morning, I love you.
……
……
He caught me off guard and turned me into a puddle.
Feel free to try it out on your unsuspecting loved ones. They’ll never see it coming from someone who is usually full of the jokes.
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
Who was the most notorious Columbian coffee distributor?
I'm not too big a fan of Cardi B, but I like her health conscious sister
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Where did all the G.I. Joe fighters train?
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
*whispers* b i o l o g y p u n s . . .
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B negative 🤷🏼♀️
What was the first thing the Detective said whilst investigating a murder in the fish market?
"hm.. something seems fishy in here.."
Ah sorry i didn't read the name of the subreddit right
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
My friend was trying to feed her baby but he was having none of it. I said "Try the Airplane."
She said, "Airplane? What is it?"
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now."
A group of geese is a gaggle, agroup of rats: a mischief, a murder of crows, bats a colony and men a crowd. What's a group of batmen?
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.
I’ve been watching the John Wayne Gacy documentary series on Peacock. Really creepy and fascinating. Surprisingly, despite being a cannibal murderer, he was a stickler for etiquette.
Anyone who arrived late to one of his dinner parties received a cold shoulder.
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
Did you hear? An attempted murder was foiled due to the assailant's severe grain allergy.
The killer was found, dead to rice.
What's the best way to prevent a murder?
For the charge of murder, the judge only gave Ray Liotta and Joe Pesci community service
because they were goodfellas
My underprivileged friend will only listen to the b side of his records.
It’s like he lives on the other side of the tracks.
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
The wife and I had a fight. I threw a chunk of meat at her but it wasn't even close.
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
Why do I always take an extra pair of pants to the golf course?
In case I get a hole in one.
There was a murder on a train do you know if the suspect was caught?
No, he covered his tracks.
(Thought of this this morning go easy on me!)
In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.
The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.
After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said “Look sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”
The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.
The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says “where the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”
Deputy says “well you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”
“Bullshit!” Says the sheriff “you stay here I’m going to check this out!”
So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.
The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.
Deputy says to the sheriff “ Boss what the hell happened!”
The sheriff looks up from the ground and says “BACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”
When I found my little son on the floor, I briefly thought a murder took place
Fortunately, it was just a kid napping.
Hey friends! In support of the LGBTQ+ community I wanted to design a punny pride greeting card and I am so happy with how it turned out :D let me know what you think!
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"
"No, the regular kind!" I laughed.
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
I have updated the alphabet for festive period. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
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