I recently watched a documentary on Mike Tyson. I had no idea he was so religious...

He kept saying he likes to hit people in the FAITH!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyrojodge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...

"Theraflu."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that's trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.

Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omnomnosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhil48
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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What happens to mike tyson when he takes drugs?

He gets methed up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limpykin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
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What did Mike Tyson say about why he hates corn starch?

"It thickens me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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Mike Pence couldn’t make it to the Senate vote today because he had food poisoning from raw fish.

Presiding in his absence was the President Pro Temp-ura.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingleingus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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Why does Mike Tyson feel so exquisite when he wakes up?

Because he ethereal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePowerFul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
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The guy from dirty jobs is so talented!

In addition to his handiwork he has a really cool hidden talent. It’s almost like a superpower. With just the simplest gesture he can turn anything scalding hot. We call it the Mike Rowe wave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrLionbear
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Andy was frustrated.

His wife always complained that he wasn't good enough in bed and that she wasn't satisfied. He went to the local bar to get a drink and cool off for a bit. On reaching the bar, he ordered a beer and sat down. His friend, Mike saw him sitting alone and walked up to him. He asked Andy what happened to which Andy told him the situation. Mike said that he had a simple trick which never failed and told Andy to hit his meat on the bedpost three times before sex. Andy rushed home to perform this trick. He saw that his wife was lying on the bed with the lights off. Slowly he took off his pants and hit his meat three times on the bedpost. Dum, dum, dum. His wife immediately woke up and shouted, "Mike, is that you?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I’m at my school talent show and this guy said...

β€œbefore I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..” β€œif your name is Michael, please stand up”

then a couple of guys stand up and he goes

β€œthat concludes my mike check”

(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!) Click here for credit

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me...

Groom: After me..

Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?

Bride: No, his name is Mike.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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Did you know mythological creatures have their own dentist's office?

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbadxampl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes

A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.

Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didn’t sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymaker’s parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.

SOURCE

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πŸ‘€︎ u/missourijake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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My brother's surgeon burst out into song in the ER

He said it was Open Mike night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
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Double dad joked at orientation

So I was at orientation for my new job yesterday. There's 2 people there from the company, and 4 of us new people.

After the orientation is done...

Guy next to me: (silences phone because it's ringing) Sorry... my dad's calling me.

Guy from company: What's he calling you? Mine normally calls me my name.

Guy next to me: That's weird! I thought your name was Mike! Nice to meet you, my name!

Both of them both start to crack. I nearly snort what's left of my kit kat up my nose because I started laughing and the other 3 people there are shaking their heads slowly at us.

Side note: both of them are dads and in their 30's. I'm 21, and not a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixotic_Ryan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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My friend's dad is amazing.

So, I have this friend named Mikee. I was over at her house with a couple of other friends for a road trip, and her dad started going crazy looking for something. He calls out "Hey, has anyone seen this heart-shaped box?"

So we all decided to look around for this heart-shaped box, and she eventually finds it. So she calls out to him "Hey dad! I think I found the box!" He comes in, and she gives him the box. Curious, I decided to ask him "So, what's in it?"

Smiling, he turns to me, and pulls out what was in the box.

"My keys."

He gives Mikee a hug, while everyone else is simultaneously awwing and groaning, while Mikee looks ready to die of embarrassment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidMindItch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
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Mike Tyson dadjoke

"Dad, you think Mike Tyson could ever be a good boxer again"

"Only if he worked at an Amazon warehouse"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Tys1_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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Got a buddy at work today.

My buddy at work saw me driving a company truck and sent me a text since he is transferring to another office in Japan.

Mike: Why are you in that stake bed. Me: Because I was hungry and tired! Mike: That doesn't make any sense. Me: Steak. Bed. Mike: Damn you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmettam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2015
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Not a normal dad joke, just a joke from my friend's Dad.

I went on vacation in highschool with one of my good friends and his Dad and another friend, who is basically the coolest fucking guy you'll ever meet (We call him Cool Daddy Mike). Its not so much a dad joke, more just a fucked up joke my friend's Dad told me, but on our way down to Florida from Ohio, we stopped halfway there to stay in a hotel and finish the drive the next day. Since it was just 4 of us for 1 night we only got one room with 2 king sized beds. When we got to the room his dad looked at me and said "If you woke up one morning with a condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?" I of course said no I would not. He then said "Well alright looks like we are sharing a bed tonight" and points two finger guns at me. It may seem fucked up but if you knew his dad like we all did, you would have died laughing with us. (Just to clarify I did not get sexually assaulted in my sleep by my friend's dad)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Longsack9
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2015
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A Few of my Father In-Laws Favorite jokes and sayings.

As a man with 3 daughters, hormones are often mentioned. Each time one of his girls says the word "hormone" he always chimes in with: Well, you know what sound a hormone makes, right? "Oooooh yeaaah Mike (in a high pitched voice)" Get it? Whore moan...

And he often tells his kids: "if you had a brain, it would be lonely."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rcottle86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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This is his second one tonight...

We walked into a furniture store and my dad found these row boat paddle wall decorations. He looked at me and said "Hey Mike. Which one looks better? This one 'oar' this one?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoneObserver
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
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One from a substitute psychology teacher

"Hello class my name is Mr Jones". Girl says "Is your first name Mike?". He says "No, my name isn't Mike". "Well is it close to Mike?". He says "Close to Mike? I don't even know him!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Packersrule123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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