Melody Beattie Puns

Why this bitch gotta call me out like this, fuck you. Melody Vaillancourt? More like Melody Villiancourt, out here trying to tell me that sacrificing everything about my life for someone i'm in love with is a problem??? Doesn't she know I have zero value unless it's while white knighting someone? Leave it to a Minneapolis girl to Minneamize my whole identity of only feeling like a human if i'm bending over backwards for the first person in the crowd to say "I love you" to me as if it's a fault of myself for not having any boundaries.

This asshole really sat down and wrote "They don't feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves, so they look for happiness outside themselves." Like, keep my name out of your mouth bitch, I didn't ask you to analyze my entire life and write a book about it. Not my fault the only times I've been healthy and sober is when i'm rescuing somebody. You're lucky I don't sue your ass for harassment, this book was highly uncalled for and getting my therapist to make me read it was a scumbag move Beattie. I had to put the book down multiple times with the amount of personal attacks you put in this trash. Just shut up and let me blame myself for not being good enough until the rom-com moment I constantly fantasize about where I'm rewarded for being a martyr in every relationship rather then all this bullshit about being comfortable with myself. I'm perfectly comfortable staying in abuse for the tiny scraps of affection I work my ass off for, it works just fine until it doesn't and I wreck my brain with alcohol. This book is hurtful garbage and you should be ashamed for victim-blaming me with all this talk about how "each person is responsible for him or herself," as if it's unhealthy for me to devote my life to helping my partner instead of myself.

Get bent. SMH.

After my relationship with my Q ended about two weeks ago I plunged and just bought the book, workbook, and daily meditations.

WOW. I mean wow. Her words completely speak to my soul. I have never felt so seen and understood before, by ANYONE let alone by other people in my life. It felt like no one really understood what I was going through, or they didn’t really understand me. It was a lot of “just focus on yourself” and “stop worrying about her so much” which although very true, seemed kind of passive and like they were missing the point. This book is teaching me that I was actually the one missing the point the whole time and it’s providing monumental insights into my rescuing and caretaking habits, my motivations behind doing so, and validating me for my extremely painful feelings and experiences as the partner of an alcoholic. I am learning so much about our relationship and about MYSELF. I got this book not three days ago and it’s already changed my life.

If you’re thinking about buying the book, please do it. You will not regret it.

Read her other books instead like Beyond Codependency or Codependency No more!! This book has no practical or straight-forward advice for healing codependency.

I’ve honestly lost a lot of respect for her. Her perspective in this book is so ignorant and oblivious. She romanticizes foreign cultures and then counters it by describing the cities she visits as dirty, overcrowded or unsafe. I couldn’t make it past the the first few chapters. I’m very disappointed.

Clearly she wanted to write a travel memoir so her publisher made her use a misleading title for sales. Can’t believe I wasted my time and energy on accessing this book.

Quote from pg 24: "It's natural to want to control others, especially when they're hurting themselves or us, or when things aren't working out to our liking. But it isn't our job to take care of others--to take care of their feelings, thoughts, decisions, growth, and responsibilities. It is out job to do that for ourselves."

This is taken from an analysis of step one: "We admitted we were powerless over others- that our lives had become unmanageable." I have bolded something so true that hits home for me...boy this is EXACTLY what I do in relationships...even with my own family. I EXPECT so much from them because I myself put myself out for them...ie, I visit them, I do for them, I care about them--yet I go weeks without my sister calling me or checking how I am doing! I honestly HATE that about her bc I care about her and care what is happening to her! HOWEVER if I apply that above sentence in her situation then it helps me to let go of that hatred about her actions. It doesn't stop with her, I do this in EVERY relationship, I expect reciprocal actions, feelings, thoughts etc and that is NEVER the case.

My conclusion: For my healing, I loved I picked up this book because my therapist helped me discover that I have codependency and my healing has began since last Oct.! When we made this breakthrough, I was so THRILLED to put a name to my suffering.

Please comment if you relate or have read this book...I love the method she details examples and I just getting started.

Thank you all for listening!

AliRo

#A Book Club?

Yes, a book club! Basically, we will read one chapter each week from the book, and a post will be created in this subreddit that outlines the lessons and "assignments" from each chapter. We will then engage in a discussion on the chapter, its application/relevance, and possibly answer the questions (if appropriate).

#What's the book about?

The book we will be reading is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a great book that details codependency and helps the reader to heal from it. The book is available on Amazon and other book platforms, but I bet you could also scoop up a copy at your local library.

#Who is the book for?

This book is for anyone who has suffered or is suffering from codependency. It's for anyone who feels controlled by their desire to help others. It's for anyone who feels like they're a victim to the world around them. It's for anyone who feels like it's their job to control the emotions and actions of other people. It's for anyone who struggles to set boundaries and see their own worth/value.

Still not sure it's for you? See if you check off any of these things codependents typically do:

Caretaking

• Think and feel responsible for other people
• Feel compelled to help others solve their problems
• Feel angry when your help isn't effective
• Anticipate other's needs (and wonder why they don't do the same for you)
• Say yes when you want to say no, do more than your fair share, do things you don't want to do, etc.
• disregard your own needs/wants, or not know what you need/want
• Find yourself attracted to needy people and find needy people attracted to you
• Find yourself always trying to please others
• Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used

Low Self-Worth

• Blame yourself for everything
• Come from troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional families (and possibly deny that the family was troubled, repressed, or dysfunctional)
• Pick on yourself for everything (including how you think, feel, look, act, and behave)
• Reject compliments or praise
• Get depressed from lack of compliments or praise
• Feel different from the rest of the world
• Think you're not quite good enough
• Feel guilty about doing things for yourself
• Fear rejection
• Take things personally
• Have been a victim of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or alcoholism
• Believe you don't deserve good things
• Believ

Per the recommendation of someone from this sub awhile back I downloaded Melody Beattie's "Letting Go" app that gives you a new meditation/mantra every day and it's been fantastic. I look forward to starting my day with it and having a structured set of inspiring, yet practical ideas to guide me as I move on from my emotionally abusive marriage — which I stayed in far too long due to my codependency issues.

Interested in getting one of her books as well -- what have you all read? What do you recommend? I wonder if the "letting go" book would be repetitive with this app? Has anyone tried her Codependency workbook? Would love your thoughts! Thank you.

"Caretaking is a self-defeating and, certainly, a relationship-defeating behavior—a behavior that backfires and can cause us to feel resentful and victimized—because ultimately, what we feel, want, and need will come to the surface." (Melodie Beattie)

I never realized that when I became caretaker-in-chief for who became my future ex-spouse, that I was constructing a raft that was going to float me down a slow-moving river to my own private hell.

It's hard to explain to people who don't suffer from severe codependence how such invisible forces in your mind can take you down so hard. Still baffles me at times. I was completely unaware of what was going on other than knowing that I had become miserable.

Love to you all ❤️

As a kid I had trouble sleeping and my mom shared her Melody Beattie guided meditation tape which was beautiful. I still remember the guided visuals. One was of a person holding a baby and the baby was you. I would love to listen to these again and I can't seem to find it anywhere. Does it ring a bell to anyone?

I decided recently to go back and re-read Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. I'm no longer in an abusive relationship with a pwBPD, but boy oh boy do codependent habits die hard. Since codependency touches many of us in this sub, I thought I'd share a few passages and my thoughts reading this book 3 years later.

>If you want to get rid of it, you have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.

Applying this to my life today, I'm reminded just how tempting it is to focus on everyone else's problems to gain a false sense of accomplishment or worth. This is a pitfall for many of us in this sub. Especially those of us that forgive abuse, time and time again. It takes courage and an enormous effort to remove oneself from the aftermath/self-sabotage of a BPDLO and refocus on self-improvement. The first step to overcoming codependency is taking ownership of that facet of your personality.

>The codependent spouse or child or lover of someone who was chemically dependent was seen as having developed a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy, as a reaction to some else's drug or alcohol abuse.
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>...
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>Having these problems does not mean we're bad, defective, or inferior. Some of us learned these behaviors as children. Other people learned them later in life.
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>....
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>Most of us started doing these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs.
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>...
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>Some professionals say codependency isn't a disease; they say it's a normal reaction to abnormal people.

I feel it's important to recognize that we aren't to blame for acquiring such traits. And it it's not necessary to beat yourself up over learned behaviors that may have developed in response to abuse and a necessity to survive.

As a codependent person, I can remember experiencing enormous guilt and low self esteem as early as 8 years old. This made me especially vulnerable to getting involved with someone like my BPDex. The part of my personality that drew security and self-worth from care-taking was exacerbated by my BPDex's endless propensity for self-sabotage.

However, jumping back to the first point: codependency is YOUR responsibility to accept and work hard to correct. While it's important to recognize how these behaviors and tendencies became ingrained, it's even more important t

I had to copy out this whole passage about forgiveness. I know it gets discussed a lot on RBN, and I've found some really helpful responses to the idea that we'd need to forgive narc parents (one person's post about how we were forced to repeatedly forgive them as children in order to survive--we've forgiven enough). Wanted to add this:

>"Compulsive disorders such as alcoholism twist and distort many good things, including the great principle of forgiveness. We repeatedly forgive the same people. We hear promises, we believe lies, and we try to forgive some more. Some of us may have reached a point where we cannot forgive. Some of us may not want to, because to forgive would leave us vulnerable to further hurt and we believe we cannot endure more pain. Forgiveness turns on us and becomes a painful experience.
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>Some of us may be truly trying to forgive; some of us may think we have forgien, but the hurt and anger just won't disappear.
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>Some of us can't keep up with the things we need to forgive; the problems are happening so fast we barely know what's going on. Before we can register the hurt and say 'I forgive' another nasty thing has been dumped on us.
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>Then we feel guilty because someone asks, 'Why can't you just forgive and forget?' People uninformed about the disease of alcoholism and other compulsive disorders frequently ask that. For many of us, the problem is not forgetting. Forgiving and forgetting feed our denial system. We need to think about remember, understand, and make good decisions about what we are forgiving, what can be forgotten, and what is still a problem. And forgiving someone does not mean we have to let that person keep hurting us. An alcoholic doesn't need forgivenessl he or she needs treatment. We don't need to forgive the alcoholic, at least not initially. We need to step back so he or she can't keep stomping on our toes." (215)

Anyone else read or currently reading this book? Are you feeling just as terrible and anxious and awful as I am? I'm not very deep in to this book, recommended to me by my counselor after several sessions, and I'm kind of flabbergasted...

https://www.netflix.com/au/title/80219707

We may be anonymous strangers on the internet, but we have one thing in common. We may be a world apart, but we're here together!

Welcome to the 24 hour pledge!

I'm pledging myself to not drinking today, and invite you to do the same.

Maybe you're new to /r/stopdrinking and have a hard time deciding what to do next. Maybe you're like me and feel you need a daily commitment or maybe you've been sober for a long time and want to inspire others.

It doesn't matter if you're still hung over from a three day bender or been sober for years, if you just woke up or have already completed a sober day. For the next 24 hours, lets not drink alcohol!

This pledge is a statement of intent. Today we don't set out trying not to drink, we make a conscious decision not to drink. It sounds simple, but all of us know it can be hard and sometimes impossible. The group can support and inspire us, yet only one person can decide if we drink today. Give that person the right mindset!

What happens if we can't keep to our pledge? We give up or try again. And since we're here in /r/stopdrinking, we're not ready to give up.

What this is: A simple thread where we commit to not drinking alcohol for the next 24 hours, posting to show others that they're not alone and making a pledge to ourselves. Anybody can join and participate at any time, you do not have to be a regular at /r/stopdrinking or have followed the pledges from the beginning.

What this isn't: A good place for a detailed introduction of yourself, directly seek advice or share lengthy stories. You'll get a more personal response in your own thread.

This post goes up at:

• US - Night/Early Morning
• Europe - Morning
• Asia and Australia - Evening/Night

A link to the current Daily Check-In post can always be found near the top of the sidebar.

"I may not be where I want to be but I'm thankful for not being where I used to be." -Habeeb Akande

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend." -Melody Beattie

Good Morning, friends!

It's Thanksgiving here in the US, where I live. I know that many friends live all around the world, but I hope you won't mind if I muse about thankfulness today.

I think that for me, sobriety and gratitude are so interwoven. Recognizing the beautiful and joyful is a h

Good morning ☕️☕️

Another tough day in the market. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Radio had a great meme. Our very own S 👿 came back from being poisoned and also posted a meme. It was his Willis Reed moment.

Futures are green. Trending on YF! In order: MU ⬆️ NKE ⬆️ SOPA ⬆️ RELI ⬆️ CANF ⬇️ ARDS ⬆️ SAVA ⬆️ GRTX ⬆️ AQST ⬇️ NAKD ⬆️ HNST ⬆️ BHC ⬆️ BFRI ⬆️

Oil gold silver and big 2 crypto all ⬆️

Interesting articles I came across in my morning readings:

personal cash flow even more important than net worth I think pairs well w yesterday’s overarching theme. 2022 fast approaching

4 passive income ideas for 2022. These may or may not be good for you?, but I love the side hustle mentality. I don’t care if it a 2nd job or picking up some Uber money on your way home from your day job.

Omicron doesn’t shake Goldman 2022 outlook I thought some nice nuggets in this one.

The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written.

• Melody Beattie

Toydan ✌️

Hi everyone,

The last couple days I've really been digging into my personal recovery. I try to attend a meeting twice a week, and I've been devouring the self help book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I've been finding it a really valuable resource. Wow, is codependency complex and insidious!

I'm looking for suggestions on any other non-Al-Anon books that you've found helpful both on codependency and relationships with alcoholics. Love to hear what you've found helpful and why.

Thanks xx

Edit: I am familiar with and utilizing the library of Al-Anon resources, I'm just also curious about outside resources that have also been helpful to this amazing community. You can call me a sponge =)

What did you feel when you first read or heard the word “codependent?” Before I even knew the definition, I knew it was about me. Codependency ran in my blood. From a mom who asked “how high?,” when my stepdad said “jump” to a dad who spent his whole relationship begging for any sort of affection from various stepmoms. The moment that first dopamine hint of being “picked” and “chosen” by an object of my affection hit – I was hooked. It was better than any high from any drug, better than any pride from any accomplishment, it validated me in a way I hadn’t felt before. I couldn’t grow until I figured out how to take “love” off from the impossible pedestal I put it on and figure out how to validate myself. And, to be completely honest, I am a work in progress. In my deepest throes of codependency, I wish I would have asked myself:

What is the balance?

Every relationship has a balance. You vent to friends, they vent back. You buy coffee, they buy dessert. You DD one night, and the next time they have your back. Do you have balance in your relationship with your significant other? One way is to look at your texts, for every 1-3 texts from you, do you get 1 from them? Yikes. Are you the one planning dates, buying cards for holidays, and initiating communication? Not good. If the balance is way off and you find yourself making endless excuses, it might be because it is more important to have the validation of “being in a relationship” than to be in a beneficial, fulfilling one. Like the FDS principle: if he wanted to, he would.

Is your mood separate from your significant other?

It’s ok and normal to have empathy – to feel bad if they are upset and to occasionally bicker and get under each other’s skin. But how much of your mood relies on them? If they had a bad morning, are you still stuck in it halfway through your work day? If they made a weird comment, are you obsessing about it 2 days later? If they had a rough day, are you bending over backwards, cancelling plans, and making arrangements just to make them feel better? If you feel like you can’t rest and you won’t feel ok until they do, maybe you need to dig a little deeper into this codependency thing.

Are you wanted or needed?

And do you know the difference between the two? If your significant other would just fall apart without you – that’s not your significant other, that’s your child. Look, I get it. It feels good to be needed. I’m a codependent adult child of an alcoholic – needed is all I know. N

The lesson in Come Follow Me this week covers the Garden of Eden and the story of Adam and Eve. Whether or not we accept it literally, it can be understood as an allegory of growing up and leaving home. We are born into a family. Most families at least make an effort to care for children, provide the necessities and keep children safe. If you're not safe at home, talk to a.trusted adult or phone the Children's Help Line in your country. Families aren't easy; I recently had a big fight with my wife and one of my kids. It's a time for young people to figure themselves out: what's important to you, what you're good at and what you want to do with your life. The time for living with your parents will pass, but all throughout life we continue to learn about ourselves and make decisions about how to spend our time and energy and money based on what's important to us.

>Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves. - Robert Neelly Bellah

Adam and Eve were sent out of the Garden of Eden when they chose the fruit of Knowledge. Likewise, we each develop our own independence, self-sufficiency, and eventually our own family. That's a natural part of life. It can be positive, even if it's not easy. It doesn't happen all at once, but little by little we make more and more choices for ourselves. We make choices about what skills and knowledge to develop at school and post-secondary, about where to live and about who to develop relationships with. I'm not saying that we make all these choices on purpose, but it becomes our responsibility and we live with the consequences. So if we're not happy with the results, it's up to us to make a change.

>Growing up means leaving home and becoming a self supporting adult. I think this the hardest task any human being hast to face. - John Bradshaw

I had an experience in my early 30s. I ended up in the hospital and had a week to reflect on my life. It wasn't pretty and I committed to make some fundamental changes. It years for me to figure out what wasn't working and what I was going to do differently, but I took small steps that eventually led to positive changes. I changed my employer, I took up physical exercise and learned to cook healthier. I learned about mental health, developed some personal mantras and started meditating. I try to interact more positively with my family (although I'm not perfect, as mentioned above). I share this just to say that it's never the wrong time

I am by no means a constant poster, but with the news today, I feel compelled as a fan to join in the current discourse around the recent announcement, even if it is to say: don't be sad life has changed, we can still appreciate what has come before.

It took Kevin Abstract many attempts to turn what was fine-tuned insanity into success. Calling Def Jam for a record deal as a child, to rap battles in the school bathrooms as a teenager, to creating the rap collective, AliveSinceForever, approaching adulthood was a strange timeline, but one thing is clear - hip hop, music, and creativity was within him, and if he was going to do things as a closeted, introverted teenager influenced by the likes of Odd Future, he would do it this way.

The natural step after this for Abstract was to create a boyband, garnering a troop on an online Kanye West forum with anonymous faces. The risk was massive, but we are talking about a boy who had nothing to lose, and wanted to chase a dream - he would do anything it would take.

After the release of All American Trash in 2016, alongside a VICE documentary, it was in 2017 when BH really landed into the ears of those in the United States and beyond, during what was their Saturation Summer.

Let's go through this again: three cohesive albums, in one season. This was unprecedented levels of work, creativity, and quality seen in music; this was too professional sounding to be underground, yet too different to be considered mainstream. The perfect position for the outcasts of Rap.

You may have a moment when you first heard the rumbles of Sweet, the sinister strings of Junky, or the dreamy guitar of Waste playing - how did you feel?

Did you know what was going to come in the future?

Those moments of captivation in Hip Hop, and music in general, are once in a lifetime for artists, yet this strange, atypical boyband project delivered tenfold. Soon, they would gain their rewards for what was well-documented noise, finally entering the door to mainstream media by landing a TRL appearance by Saturation III. In their orange jumpsuits, blue paint head to toe, they looked like an even crazier version of the Blue Man Group as they blared the lyrics of BOOGIE on the streets of Times Square. However, for us fans, there was something beautiful about seeing those outcasts which brought us so much joy to be let on the loose, on a platform which the world could not ignore.

At this point, they had the fundamentals of a boyband to a T, even

I live in the same house with my brother. Our relationship never went pretty well, he always took advantage of me even if that meant to improve his image in front of others or use me. As growing up in my teenage years I had many fights with him because of the events happening at that time. He was gambling hard stealing all the money of the house, ruined the business of the family by selling equipments and one of my personal computers.

During that time I got into a verbal a physical fight with him, after that I was forced to live with him in same home and share same room for sleep. During that time lime 7 years or more, I developed something like emotional dependency or so. So I would think Im not enough if he does not speak with me, Im not worthy if I dont make people interested with me. I become very sensitive to his reactions and behaviour.

I ended up feeling being watched all the time and have this feeling still today, feel cant shake it. Its sort of feeling very shameful of myself, guilty and not deserving of being with anyone. Also when he stares at me or takes a position as he is watching me I feel powerless attacked weird and react badly or with anger.

All the time I feel Im being watched or have to prove do all the actions behaviours even going to exreme all my movements to being approved from him or other people.

The feeling of being watches, I feel like a prisoner that have to behave certain way I believe people want me too. Like being strained literaly even in movements, I do controlled movements and all that.

Growing up I build the force to protect myself, worked out hard and my health and force increased. I can protect myself physically but I feel very powerless mentaly. I want to free myself from this person and those false beliefs

Currently reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and there learned about adultsurvivours. ( adult childen of alcoholics)...Any resouce that could help gather as many information how to deal with my emotions or myself would be appreciated.

Hello,

I am currently reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and it is filled with stories of many codependents that struggle to live their own lives because they are preoccupied “caring” for others. I find myself relating to many of these volatile traits of anger, control, helplessness, lying about their own needs, etc.. The author puts into perspective in seeing these behaviors and showing that there were reasons behind them, that we no longer need anymore because there is a different way available.

Many of the concepts of what she is saying makes so much sense to me and I do feel very empowered to take back my life. She also acknowledges that codependents struggle with trying to live their life again, but never saying that it is impossible. I feel that I am struggling to build my identity back again, but I know that that determined feeling is there and it grows stronger everyday.

What I want to know is how can I do that? I want to take back my life now. I was raised to feel that my only purpose in life was to serve others and on my journey of healing I have been seeing that this is not the way life should be lived. I am confused but filled with a burning fire to get my life back where I want it to go. I do not wish to only live for the approval or the lack of disappointment from others. I do not wish to spend my waking hours worrying about others. I want to be who I am without feeling shame regardless of what people feel around me. I want to be stable and not feel such extreme emotions that I feel I have no control of, I want control of myself, not others. I want to be able to tend to my own needs. I want room in my life for joy for myself.

What does this look like? What does being able to be in the presence of someone hurting without having that knee jerk reaction to “fix” the problem? What does it look like to simply not control and just let be? How does it feel like letting go and freeing oneself? What does a world with lessened pain look like for a recovered codependent? How can I get there?

Thank you in advance

According to Melody Beattie, "Codependency is many things. It is a dependency on people—on their moods, behaviors, sickness or well-being, and their love." This was my addiction for the last six months, and it wrecked me. I broke up the cycle about a month ago, but I can't get over her. I don't miss her (nothing to miss, really), and I think I'm over the dopamine hit related to texting sending/receiving, but I can't stop thinking (obsessing?) about her. Today I was doing fine, until I read some sort of motivational phrase along the lines of "If one doesn't want you, accept it, you're better off without someone who doesn't really want you". Problem is... it was me who didn't want her, and I still think it's the right decision. Yet... I'm the one struggling. We only met three times, and then it was two months of texting, phone calling, and quite a bit of fighting. We had a great time together but I've always known it was limited. I should be grateful and my confidence/self-esteem should be stronger (she's younger and hotter than I am), instead, concurrently with Christmas (Never liked it, always made me feel sad), it's making me feel like crap. I feel like I have no power over my sadness, I'm tormented, I feel like crying, and my stomach hurts (butterflies), and I don't know exactly why. As such, I don't know how to address it. She's a component, but she's not the only source for these feelings. At the same time, I've never felt like this before in my life, and I hate it, because I'm unable to take action, because I wouldn't know from where to begin, as I don't know what's my problem. Sorry for the rant. Thank you for listening.

1. I don’t think I would have gotten through my breakup without some support. I’m lucky to have a good therapist, Adult Childeren of Alcoholics meetings, a few close friends, and this sub!

2. After the breakup I completely isolated myself to deal with feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Obviously that did not help. I ended up jumping on dating apps, which made me feel even more lonely.

3. Journaling helped. Whenever I felt big emotions I would write them down and what was triggering them I would also write down some wins (setting boundaries, doing something nice for myself etc.) I also wrote journal entries when I was drunk but I don’t recommend excessive drinking when in recovery lol

4. Speaking of drinking, I found that when I drank, the more codependent I became. Anxiety, depression and loneliness would be amplified and I didn’t feel good about myself. Now I’ve been sober for 3 months

5. There is a difference between being alone and loneliness. Being alone is important. I learned to enjoy my own company, and that being alone is not lonely.

6. One of my fears was not being able to take care of myself. Financially, physically and emotionally. And that’s where I learned to ask for help, and that there’s no shame in that. Plus, I had more time to think about my own health than someone else’s.

7. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Need I say more?

8. I’ve always had low confidence and self-worth. Being in a toxic relationship didn’t help. One thing I noticed is that I stopped caring so much about my weight. Throughout the relationship I was constantly trying to lose weight because I thought that would make my partner happy and love me the way he before I gained weight. Gotta love that fear of abandonment 😅

9. I thought I was ready to date about 8 months into recovery. Hopped on dating apps and eventually went on a date with a guy. I quickly learned that I wasn’t really attracted to him and after the third date I told him I wasn’t interested anymore ( I also just wasn’t ready) . I was so scared that I was going to hurt his feelings but I went better than I thought. Typically I would stay because he was attracted to me. But I realized it wasn’t him that I wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️

10. To this day I absolutely still struggle with codependency. I feel it is a life long thing to manage. But I am nicer to myself and more aware. I am better with setting boundaries and saying no. I take care of myself but still ask for help. I listen to what I want a

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I have accidentally knocked this off three times by unintentionally hitting the Remove button. Sigh. The previous post's upvote spread was about 90 the last time I looked.

If one is new to the topic and prefers a sort of rambling, magazine journalism writing style, Melody Beattie's half-dozen or so books will be fine (and inexpensive when bought used). If one is not that new, and/or is accustomed to more collegiate style writing using "scaffolding" to work from the basic to the complex, Pia Mellody's and the Weinholds' are your best bet. Schaef is somewhere in between. Forward's, Evans's, Carnes's and the other books dig into specific types and specific issues of codependency. Krishnamurti's, Branden's and Watts's books are for the "deep thinkers."

Introductory

The big blue book of Codependents Anonymous

Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More

Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence

Anne Wilson Schaef's Co-Dependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated

Barry & Janae Weinhold's Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap

Timmen Cermak's Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence

Charles Whitfield's Codependence: Healing the Human Condition

More Advanced

Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go

Pia Mellody's Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Codependence

Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps

Ross Rosenberg's The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap

Darlene Lancer's Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

Jiddu Krishnamurti's On Relationship

Alan Watts's The Wisdom of Insecurity

Nathaniel Branden's The Disowned Self and The Psychology of Self Esteem

Special Circumstances

Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction, including the flip flop from addiction to avoidance

Anne Wilson Schaef's Escape from Intimacy

Brenda Schaeffer's Is it Love, or Is It Addiction?

Patrick Carnes's Don't Call it Love

Carol Cassel's Why Women Confuse Love and Sex

Robin Norwood's Women Who Love Too Much

Jordan & Margaret Paul's Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?

Barry & Janae Weinhold's Flight from Intimacy on co- and counter-dependence

John Bradshaw's Family Secrets

Rapson & English's Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

(Re: Relationships with narcissists, see also [B

This week I've been reading and working on my codependency (mostly using the book Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie). I know my main reaction is fawn and so my rs in the past have been all codependent, so I guessed it was a good next step to take. I started the book thinking I only was codependent with my romantic partners, I was wrong xd

Today I was having a coffee, when I went to take a cup I stood there frozen for a good minute. My sibling gifted my dad a best dad cup ironically, I ended up being the owner of said cup, he only uses it if there's no other clean mugs and everyone at home knows it's my cup. I have "jokingly" told my mom I deserve it more than my dad, I have seriously said the same thing to my sibling and they agree.

I'm not their dad. I'm their brother.

I shouldn't have had to take care of them when I still needed an adult to take care of me. I shouldn't have had to teach them how to be a good human, how to work with their feelings, how to care for themselves. I shouldn't have had to be a parent to my sibling.

This hit me like a bucket of cold water. I know why I had to do that, I understand that we just didn't have enough money to get a nanny or whatever and that I was always mature for my age (haha, trauma!) so I became reliable. My parents could see me as an adult that would do their job while they were working or resting. Knowing why doesn't mean it hurts less that I was a dad when I should've been a kid, it doesn't make me hurt less now or have an easier time healing. But it does help me understand and accept myself.

I shouldn't have to be proud about being a good parent to my sibling. I shouldn't have had to be one to begin with.

Hi everyone! I'm here to learn how to deal with this breakup, and how to be a better version of myself.

I need to vent, I hope that's OK?

I (39m) was in a VERY intense roughly nine month relationship with a dismissive avoidant (32f) person. We met while traveling in Mexico where she's from, and the sparks flew instantly. Holy shit! We both said it, never felt that strong of an energy before in our life. Funny thing is my stomach was telling me to RUN AWAY! Get as far away as possible. But, hey, who listens to their gut? 🤦🏼‍♂️Lol

She was in this city, alone, far away from her city, to heal. She left her job, apartment, boyfriend, friends, etc. To find herself, find her career path, and double down on making anew version of herself. Well, three days in guess who she meets at a shared table in a cafe? This anxious attachment guy right here!

We had many arguments. She told me repeatedly she did "not want a boy in her life" yet kept staying around and kept calling and texting and meeting me. Confusing.

A little over a month after meeting and doing a silent meditation retreat at the same center, we began to live together in hotels as we traveled and explored the country. There were many flare ups, and her answer to this was always the same - walk away and silent treatment. I wanted to sit and talk and hold each other with love and work it out and find a middle ground.

Sometimes she would disappear for a day or two with only her purse and clothes on her back! This really triggered my old abandonment traumas and made me a fragile and scared version of myself.

When we met she had not spoken to her mom in months due to an argument they had. I didn't think anything of this and thought, OK maybe it's justified. Fast forward a couple months and her family is on a ski trip in USA, and her dad and sister get into an argument and her dad leaves! Leaves the country, leaves the family and heads home! Another warning sign that she didn't have the best examples and also a warning of how she may navigate tricky times. I didn't pay attention.

This story hurts still, a lot!......

She was always telling me about her male friend who was supposed to pass through where we were. He was supposed to do this multiple times over the course of different months, on his way to the beach and to party. She wanted to party with him too and do mushrooms and said I can come or not but she is absolutely goof and doing drugs with this man, he is my important friend! My

We may be anonymous strangers on the internet, but we have one thing in common. We may be a world apart, but we're here together!

Welcome to the 24 hour pledge!

I'm pledging myself to not drinking today, and invite you to do the same.

Maybe you're new to r/stopdrinking and have a hard time deciding what to do next. Maybe you're like me and feel you need a daily commitment or maybe you've been sober for a long time and want to inspire others.

It doesn't matter if you're still hung over from a three day bender or been sober for years, if you just woke up or have already completed a sober day. For the next 24 hours, lets not drink alcohol!

This pledge is a statement of intent.

Today we don't set out trying not to drink, we make a conscious decision not to drink. It sounds simple, but all of us know it can be hard and sometimes impossible. The group can support and inspire us, yet only one person can decide if we drink today. Give that person the right mindset!

What happens if we can't keep to our pledge? We give up or try again. And since we're here in r/stopdrinking we're not ready to give up.

What this is: A simple thread where we commit to not drinking alcohol for the next 24 hours, posting to show others that they're not alone and making a pledge to ourselves. Anybody can join and participate at any time, you do not have to be a regular at r/stopdrinking or have followed the pledges from the beginning.

What this isn't: A good place for a detailed introduction of yourself, directly seek advice or share lengthy stories. You'll get a more personal response in your own thread.

This post goes up at:

• US - Night/Early Morning

• Europe - Morning

• Asia and Australia - Evening/Night

A link to the current Daily Check-In post can always be found near the top of the sidebar.

ACTION: Any Change Towards Improving One’s Nature

My favorite word since I quit drinking is Gratitude. No lie and definitely no joke, I didn’t even know what gratitude was before I quit. It was a word that never circulated in my very limited vocabulary. It was impossible for me to find anything to treasure or to be thankful for because I was sick as fuck. Thinking about it now, how could I be grateful when I was practically dying? My soul, it was just gone. I was spiraling fast and losing hope that I could ever find peace or be happy again. And then the most magical thing happened, I quit drinking and everything changed. I was given a se

Do your worst!

5 months into extremely long and contested divorce and I feel like I am losing my mind. Therapist just mentioned codependency, I bought “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie and 2 paragraphs in I knew it was me. Completely and utterly.

Please tell me this pain gets better. Still don’t know how I am going to live without the love of my life, even though he is the worst of the worst as far as lying, cheating, manipulating, selfish shitbags go.