When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom,
Last Christmas I bought a fake Christmas tree. The sales clerk asked me if I was going to put it up myself?
I told him, "Don't be disgusting!" I'm putting it in my living room."
Who hires these people anyway?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
It only took me six months to finish this jigsaw puzzle. I’m very proud of myself.
Doctor, Doctor, every time I take a picture of myself, the bottom of the picture is always foggy. It’s making me really fed up.
That’s because you have low selfie steam.
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself
I saw a sign today that made me piss myself
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
People ask me where do I see myself in 5 years?
I tell them in a mirror silly. How else will I be able to see myself.
My therapist tells me I always second guess myself
I want to get myself in the guinness world records for the oldest man alive, but it's taking me a long time
Me: "I'm going to clone myself"
Dad: "that would be just like you".
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...
And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"
My son comes up to me today and tells me he’s gay. My wife tried to stop me but I couldn’t stop myself shouting at him.
Hi gay I’m dad. I just get so excited at every oppertunity to say it.
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
I finished a puzzle all by myself. It only took me a few weeks
Even though the box said 4-5 years.
I'm so stupidly proud of myself for this message that I don't even care if he responds to me.
Dear me, it seems like I'm obsessed with writing letters to myself.
I own a rabbit farm, but I want to get rid of them. The thing is, I don’t know how to do it, so I was thinking I should call someone to help me with that. Then I thought to myself:
A magician should do the trick.
Got myself stranded today so I rang my wife. She called me an idiot but it’s been 45 minutes and they still haven’t turned up.
I think my wife wants me to cover myself in oil.
I vaguely overheard her going on and on about how I never glisten.
The guy that sold me my Christmas tree asked if I'd be putting it up myself...
...nah mate. I'll be putting it in the living room.
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in 3 years.
Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision
Someone told me I'm always second guessing myself. I don't do that.
When the police were chasing me I only just got away by firing myself out of a bow...
I tell you, it was a narrow escape.
I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography but no one seems to believes me...
But that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
I'm getting older now and my grandson asked me if I talk to myself.
Yes I told him. Whenever I need expert advice.
My son told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke. "So have I made myself clear?" he growled.
I shouted, "No, I can still see you!"
When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.
I screamed, "Lego of me!"
I have three eyes named Me, Myself and Eye
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in five years...
...I don't have 2020 vision
(I understand I only have like a day left to say this but whatever)
Me: I think I’ll fix the electrical problem myself.
Her: I think we should call a professional .
Me: Don’t worry. You’ll be shocked when I’m done.
Whenever my wife wants me to go jogging, I immediately wrap myself with an American flag.
Because those colors don’t run.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
I saw a sign today that made me piss myself
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I saw a sign that made me piss myself today
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
I just saw a sign that made me piss myself..
It said; "TOILET CLOSED."
I saw a sign today that made me piss myself
I hate when people ask me where I see myself in one year...
Come on guys, I don’t have 2020 vision
My boss asked me where I see myself in a year.
I told her I don't know; I don't have 2020 vision.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw my bedsheets over it.
I think I covered my tracks.
People always ask me where I see myself in a year.
I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.
My son told me off today because I'm always turning things into a joke. "So have I made myself clear?" he asked.
I replied, "No, I can still see you!"
Why do people ask me about where I see myself in a year?
I don't have 20/20 vision
Today I saw a sign which made me piss myself
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