He said, “Don’t. There’s no future in it.”
..Then you can witness The Fall of Rome.
What do you get with 1 barium and 2 sodiums? After thinking about it for a few seconds... I turned around to tell him I didn't know.
You must be having a good semester then since all your classes are Lit
Me: How did you sleep last night? Dad: With my eyes closed.
Daughter: I wish everyone were vampires. Me: That would be terrible. Daughter: why? Me: Because they suck.
I saw a guy with a tattoo of some rabbits on his bald head, when I asked him why, he said, "From a distance they look like hares."
He responded... http://imgur.com/vJI33Rx
Kernel
I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."
She looked relieved.
Her entire existence will be my ultimate dad joke.
http://imgur.com/9M4dGnO
My dad is notoriously bad with electronics. I have no idea how he did this but nonetheless, it made me sigh.
I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves.
Me: "So, how did you end up in the south?"
Dad: "We drove."
Me: "No, I mean what brought you down here?"
Straight-faced dad: "The car."
We were right below the flight path of the major airport in the area because there was a plane that was fairly close to the ground. So I said "I wonder why they are flying so low?" to which she responds "I don't think so, they probably have more than one passenger." I stare at her... she goes "So low? Solo?" I laughed and groaned. She will make a great dad.
My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:
Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."
Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"
Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."
(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).
I named him Mrsa Major.
My son is okay. He doesn't have MRSA. But humor helps me (mom) immensely when I am - or my family is - in crisis. I have way better dad jokes than my son's dad.
My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:
He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.
After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.
Here's where the story begins:
During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.
The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.
"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."
He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:
"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"
The math major shared with his family how excited he was to finally get his degree. His dad asked, "Are you sure it isn't a radian for you?"
Dad: So do you go to school around here?
Server: Yeah I go to XY University right down the road. I'm majoring in communications.
Dad: In what?
Server: Communications.
Dad: In what?!
Server: Communications!
Dad: In what?!!
Server: COMMUNICATIONS!
Needless to say he's the only one that really gets a laugh out of it
So I work in a gift shop and a major portioin of our merchandise is dedicated to a large display of stuffed animals of varying sizes. Mostly everyone that comes in spends some time looking at them all but I got a special treat with this family today.
The parents and their two kids come in after supper time to look around. The daughters are looking at all the stuffed animals as the dad comes over. Dad immediately grabs the largest stuffed owl we have and holds it out towards his two daughters and wife and asks "WHOOOOOO is this??"
There was a collective sigh from the shop as the father and I crack up laughing. The best part was the stuffed bird's actual name.
Owliver.
My dad runs in my room and drops his phone in my lap, and I'm shocked to see he went Pokemon hunting without me, and even more shocked when I saw he caught a Pikachu. The shock level went even higher when he said,
"Guess who got a Pika? Not chu!"
Major facepalm.
I was having a discussion with my parents about all of the different subjects you can major in at my university. I brought up that one my childhood friends was majoring in Criminology. My mom mentioned that Criminology majors don't make a lot of money out of college. My dad started to chuckle. We all looked at him knowing what was about to happen.
"I guess it's true than."
"What?"
"Crime doesn't pay."
He then proceeded to laugh to himself throughout the rest of dinner.
I called my dad the day after he had major back surgery and asked him how he felt. His response: "With my hands."
Wife "Can I get in the fridge?"
Me "I don't think you'll fit"
Obviously not as good as the majority of the ones posted here, but as I have a 2 year old, I was just proud to actually be part of the Dad Joke world.
I'm an art major and my Dad looks at me and says
"Hey, what was vincents favorite fruit?"
I said "
what Dad?"
"Mango."
Fuck you.
Talking about the expensive healthcare
Dad "you need to change your major to become a doctor".
Me "I don't have the patience for that".
Dad "you would if you became a doctor".
Facepalm.
Me: Yea my friend is studying plants, what's the major called? Dad: Horticulture?
Me: Yea that one! Anywa-
Dad: You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her drink
Dammit
So I was cycling back from high school one day and I fell off my bike. Nothing major happened, just a few scratches and a torn pair of jeans. I get home and walk through the front door, and my dad is sitting in his armchair peering over his newspaper. Dad: What happened? Did you fall in a deep fryer? Me: What? No, I.. Dad: It's just you look pretty battered Me: .... Just a side-note, he did check I was fine afterwards. I guess the urge was just too strong
Dead silent on the way there for the majority of the ride. It was a very solemn trip, but then...
Dad: "You know, I had this great joke about Alzheimer's that my pops loved, but-- I just can't seem to remember it."
eyes roll/lightful chuckles ensue
Can always count on him to lighten the mood even in the darkest of times.
I'm in Tech Support for a major Networking company. Just had a conversation with my Dad. For context, I'm also a Dad.
Dad: Can you double major?
Me: I already am a double major
Dad: Can you triple major?
Me: No, that's not allowed.
Dad: Can you colonel?
So last night at dinner, I was discussing with my brother the pronunciation of the letter 'y' in the word 'scythe.' Me: "It's pronounced scythe!" (Sounds like eye) Brother: "No, it's scythe!" (Like sith) Me: "Mom, as an English major how is it pronounced?" Dad: "I don't think the British know that much about Star Wars." Me: "Mother, why did you marry him?"
So My dad and I went out to grab some lunch today and we got some food from the grocery store. At the register the cashier asks "Do you wan't a bag" and my father, without skipping a beat, says "That depends, does she work?". Woosh, right over the cashiers head. He was majorly confused and we walked away laughing.
Major League Baseball fans will get this one.
We stayed at a hotel last night. This morning my dad was putting on his Craig Kimbrel t-shirt. He looked at me when I was wearing my Andrelton Simmons t-shirt.
Dad: "Sorry SigilOfStark, looks like we're twins today."
Me: "No, Dad. We're Braves."
I got a sensible chuckle from him and a well-deserved groan from my mom.
My dad loves this one. He asks people what their major is/was in school and after they tell him he always says "When i was in school i took up space." At least a few people have responded with "You mean like NASA?!"
I told my coworker that I am a senior design major in a lot of drawing classes.
He paused, and with that dad-like glint, he said, "so you could say that you're drawing on your previous classes?"
We shared a moment. It was great.
Talking to my dad about how I felt about my geology final, I go on about how boring the class was and that the kids that are actually geology majors are stereotype hippies. Smell weird, barefoot, dreads, Coachella lovers.. etc.
He seems to ignore everything as I can see his smile forming then as soon as I stop talking...
"They probably get stoned all the time too."
...
We just found out that I got a scholarship so we were discussing majors because quite frankly, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Then this happened: Dad: how do you feel about architecture? Me: meh, there's too much structure. I proceeded to laugh for 5 minutes while he sat on the couch with the proudest look on his face.
My two sister-in-laws and I were sitting around the table with their dad taking about their college classes, requirements for their majors, degrees, etc. My father in law says, "you don't want to get too many degrees, you'll get a temperature!"
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
Dad: I don’t think there’s a future in that.
