A man was walking down the beach when he saw someone lying on the sand with a banana shoved in the ear.

Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".

The person replied "what?"

> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"

> "WHAT??"

> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"

> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/defaultorpattern
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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My boyfriend’s cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....

He’s Jack in the box.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsmeeeskai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..

Look at me now, saving lives!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds...

I hadn’t the foggiest idea what I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?

AntiHistoryMemes

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
         One says, β€œWe’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          β€œDoesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          β€œWhat do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          β€œI mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,

β€œMy roof has disappeared”

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountryHeart11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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A husband comes home and finds his amputee wife lying in the bathtub with the shower head on, crying.

He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironfist221
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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Lying in the sun, getting all dried and shriveled?

That's every grape's raisin d'Γͺtre.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/option8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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Why was the squirrel lying down in the middle of the road?

He got tired.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kraft414
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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Several people have been found lying dead in puddles of milk with bananas in their hands.

Police are searching for a cereal killer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ducktapedaddy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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I said to you that I was lying, but when you came in you saw me standing upright, thus I was lying
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pungunner98
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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Grandfather was lying on his deathbed in hospice care and started groaning...

the hospice nurse asked him how he was feeling, (this is only hours before he died) he looks her dead in the eyes and says "With my Fingers!"

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskersax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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The St. Francis statue in my mom's garden fell over and is lying on its side.

Now he's St. Francis of Asleepy.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Takiro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
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Lying in bed with my girl

All romantic, very lovely, stealing kisses here and there.

Her cell phone is just within arm's reach, so I pause the making out and gently place the phone on her forehead, and I whisper…

"Headphones."

And then she vibrate-laughed for like ten minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/profound_whatever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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If you're lying in bed, can you tell the truth?
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGamer581
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,

β€œMy roof has disappeared.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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What do you call a man lying in front of a door?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RDekl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report

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