My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and checking my social media every hour

I saw it through my telescope last night

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.

Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trace826621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:

You must be a Simpson then.

πŸ‘︎ 479
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HosfordHusky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going crazy, looking around, trying to figure out who said "heads up"

And that's when it hit me...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetrandy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in town earlier on looking for some fly killer. I picked up a can and asked the young store assistant "Excuse me, is this any good for wasps?"

"No" he said, "It kills them"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Found this while looking through Pumped Up Kicks comments
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dat_Hylian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My son walked into the living room only to find me looking around all misty eyed. Reluctantly, he asked, "What's up pop?" I blubbered, "My boy, I really love our furniture..."

"Me and my recliner go way back."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I can't stop looking up word definitions

I need some help with my addictionary

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uniformbreak320
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I think he's looking for someone to butter him up.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Looking up at the calendar today, my son asked me, "If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring?" I answered, "I don't know, what?"

He laughed and shouted, "Pilgrims!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.

But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.

πŸ‘︎ 869
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EtraNosral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out

thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scooopofpeas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:

"Where the fuck is my roof?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasAllenSimms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Dylan's girlfriend broke up with him and told her she needed some time apart but Dylan went looking for her place anyway.

I guess he didn't know what apartment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chanureadeats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
The police are looking for a man who is running up to strangers and blocking the sun from reaching them

They describe him as a shady character

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
To my college roommate: "Thanks for looking up the definition of 'naught'".

"Oh, it was nothing."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EltaninAntenna
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Was looking up some work rumors, found this gem
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stebedubs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet

But then my browser froze

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-Bomb_Firocious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I was bored and looking for a hobby, so I picked up fencing.

The neighbours said that they will call the cops if I don’t put it back.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve heard from many of my friends that my abilities in astronomy are really looking up!
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguespectre67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,

β€œMy roof has disappeared”

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountryHeart11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.

The changing sea son.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogdoogdoog123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're looking for a new job, don't take up archaeology

Your career will be in ruins

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c00lhwipluke
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My someday sister-in-law is getting hand surgery tomorrow, and is looking for some cheering up. Looking to add to my pun repertoire!
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lexxer90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Last night I was looking up at my ceiling.

Not sure its the best ceiling in the world, but it's up there.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dexpey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
🚨︎ report
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!

Thanks in advance!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dar_Winning
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2016
🚨︎ report
I waited up all night looking for the sun

Then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Reddit, We are going to start a furniture up-cycling project and are looking for punny names, what can you come up with?

I couldn't come up with any good ones myshelf.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRationalMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
🚨︎ report
I phoned up the place where I'd applied for a job at. I said, "I'm looking for Jane Wilkinson. The manager of the department."

She said, "Speaking...?"

I said, "English."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
SO was looking to liven up breakfast

Her: "I've just found a page with hundreds of omelette recipes!"

Me: "Well you'd better get cracking then."

Thank you one and all, first time I felt I had something worthy to submit here.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pseudogentry
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
At Bed Bath and Beyond I was looking for an "up" pillow.

What's an "up" pillow, you might ask? It's the same as a down alternative pillow!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DailyCupOfCoffee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
🚨︎ report
People were looking for tickets at a concert by holding one finger in the air...as we passed I would look up.

One dude got it, thus validating what I was doing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamcan162
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Found this gem from Paul Gilbert while looking up guitar stuff. Enjoy :)
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EatSomeGlass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad tells this to everyone, and he still cracks up - A mouse looking for his lenses.

My dad has been telling this goddamn joke for as long as I can remember -

It's night and completely dark, the only light that shines on the deserted street comes from a lightpost which stands over the sidewalk. A little mouse is frantically wandering around near the lightpost when he gets interrupted by a bear. The bear is curious and asks the mouse what he is doing. The mouse responds: I'm looking for my lense, it fell out and I can't find it. The bear asks if the mouse needs help and the mouse gladly accepts the offer. "Do you know where you were standing when you lost your lense?" asks the bear. The mouse casually points across the street into the black abyss and says "about there, I guess". The bear is surprised by this answer and asks why the mouse isn't looking over there. With a dumbfound look on his face the mouse looks at the bear and says: "Well yeah, but at least I have some light here."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brammelam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
🚨︎ report
I can't stop looking up word definitions

I need some help with my addictionary

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uniformbreak320
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.

The changing sea son.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogdoogdoog123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,

β€œMy roof has disappeared.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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