Looking Up Puns

I saw it through my telescope last night

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?

You must be a Simpson then.

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

And that's when it hit me...

"No" he said, "It kills them"

"Me and my recliner go way back."

I need some help with my addictionary

“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

He laughed and shouted, "Pilgrims!"

But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.

thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms

"Where the fuck is my roof?"

I guess he didn't know what apartment.

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

They describe him as a shady character

"Oh, it was nothing."

But then my browser froze

The neighbours said that they will call the cops if I don’t put it back.

“My roof has disappeared”

The changing sea son.

Your career will be in ruins

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

Not sure its the best ceiling in the world, but it's up there.

Thanks in advance!

Then it dawned on me

I couldn't come up with any good ones myshelf.

She said, "Speaking...?"

I said, "English."

Her: "I've just found a page with hundreds of omelette recipes!"

Me: "Well you'd better get cracking then."

Thank you one and all, first time I felt I had something worthy to submit here.

What's an "up" pillow, you might ask? It's the same as a down alternative pillow!

One dude got it, thus validating what I was doing.

Not so much treble but...

My dad has been telling this goddamn joke for as long as I can remember -

It's night and completely dark, the only light that shines on the deserted street comes from a lightpost which stands over the sidewalk. A little mouse is frantically wandering around near the lightpost when he gets interrupted by a bear. The bear is curious and asks the mouse what he is doing. The mouse responds: I'm looking for my lense, it fell out and I can't find it. The bear asks if the mouse needs help and the mouse gladly accepts the offer. "Do you know where you were standing when you lost your lense?" asks the bear. The mouse casually points across the street into the black abyss and says "about there, I guess". The bear is surprised by this answer and asks why the mouse isn't looking over there. With a dumbfound look on his face the mouse looks at the bear and says: "Well yeah, but at least I have some light here."

I need some help with my addictionary

The changing sea son.

“My roof has disappeared.”