Friend 1: So how’s your long distance relationship going?

Friend 2: So far, so good

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twistyturtles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I invented a contraption that I could use to refine feces from long distances...

I smelt that sh!t a mile away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I’m in a long distance relationship with a masochist.

It’s hit or miss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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What do you call a Mexican long distance runner?

Ricardio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollcitybandit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Why do crows sit on electric wires? - To make long distance caws.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timetraveller1992
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toasterwaffle90
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?

Marathongs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedBinder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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I read an article today about a long distance race that starts in Sweden and ends in Finland...

The winner is the first person to cross the Finnish line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeTuco
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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TIL that Daryl Hall and John Oates started out as long-distance truckers

They were haulin' oats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/furrthur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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Q: How do elephants communicate over long distances?

A: Elephones.

(Using trunk lines.)

An actual elephone

(It's an 'ellow elephone.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dredmorbius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
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Just the other day someone asked how my long distance relationship was going

I said β€œso far,so good”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghamy300
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2017
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How does a 3D modeler travel long distances?

With a polygon plane!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExplosiveLlama
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2016
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I've got a really good long-distance-bromance going.

I've moved to London 2 years ago and he is still in Maryland. This was our google chat exchange just now:

Friend: Some days I miss you more than others. Today is one of those days :(

Me: awwwww... i miss you 100% every day

Friend: Is your aim that bad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
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When I think of orange cars that jump long distances,

I specifically think General Lee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatsamson3000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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Dad joked my long distance SO

My SO recently visited me for my 21st birthday, and over the weekend I developed a bit of a cough. Today she texted me to ask how I was feeling.

"Still coughing?" "No, it's one of those moving coughs unfortunately." "Ha."

We might be young, but she knows good dad material when she sees it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keiseroll
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
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Dad joked my long distance girlfriend...

She texted me saying she was coming back home Friday so I sent her a text saying that I couldn't wait to see her. She replied with "Me too". I replied to that with "But you see yourself everyday" I can hear the groaning from here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpmcgary
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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I worked a place with strict grooming guidelines but we are currently closed for the duration.

Due to social distancing and other issues I am not going to cut my hair or trim my beard for a time. How long? Furlough time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xstofer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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If only this worked in real life
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nacimiento
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol?

It was those long distance shots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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How does a crow in Boston communicate with a crow in Los Angeles?

Long distance caw

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Dad is very welcoming of aunt's new boyfriend

So we were having a big family video call last night, since we're all on different continents, and my aunt was introducing us to her new boyfriend, Bill.

> Cousin: So when is Bill gonna come visit us, so we can meet him in person? > > Aunt: Oh, I don't know, Bill doesn't really fly (he's afraid of flying) > > Dad: He doesn't have to, the plane does. > > Long distance family groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/llirving
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2016
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[OC] A chief named Battle is scouting for fertile land with his son Attle

After a long and arduous hike, Attle is tired. "How much longer dad? Are you sure its is this way?"

"Son, trust me! Now stay close to me ok!"

Finally, Battle reaches a good viewpoint, and spots an island in the distance.

He excitedly yells: "Attle! Come on, hurry up, I think I found it".

Attle catches up to his dad. "Where is it?"

Battle points to the island, and says "Seattle"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baselganglia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
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The urinals were broken at my dad's work

He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom.

When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronr93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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You know, as I get older, there's one thing I will always miss

A small target from a long a distance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jumperclown
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
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A dad joke, taken too far.

Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:

I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.

At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.

Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.

A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.

TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakmn
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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Any time I'm watching football (soccer) with my dad...

If someone has a go from long range, the commentator will invariably say something like, "A good effort from distance" to which my dad will ALWAYS say, "I didn't even know Distance was playing today".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Martlead
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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Common theme with my dad that I now use

How far is it to XYZ?

Twice as long as half the distance.

How long until we get to ABC?

Twice as long as half the time it takes.

Drives my kids nuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frizzlestick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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Girlfriend got me a dad joke pillow!!

https://i.imgur.com/Mit733g.jpg

We are long distance so she bought me this as her default reaction face!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandiegoJack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2016
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My nephew was playing with a corded telephone and walked so far the cord was stretched out. Enter my brother-in-law

"What are you doing? Making a long distance call?"


He was so proud of the joke he called me in as the only other person who would appreciate it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnFoxpoint
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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Dadjoked my girlfriend.

I'm in a long-distance relationship so in the mornings my girlfriend will often text me and just give a simply "Hey, I love you, good morning" and occasionally ask how I slept.

Her: How'd you sleep?

Me: Laying down with my eyes closed.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2015
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Went better than I thought!

My wife and I were at the supermarket, when she looks at the list and announces "Oh, we need some juice concentrate."

I of course respond instantly by staring intently in the distance and stop walking.

She walks a few paces then looks at me confused. "Why did you stop walking?"

"You said we need concentrate."

"I know but..." then there's a long pause as she finally gets the joke. She responds by glaring at me and slapping the crap out of my shoulder.

Baby thought it was funny at least.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuntadaMan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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Calling asleep you say?

I was just texting my girlfriend and I was telling her I didn't want to fall asleep on her just yet. (Long distance Relationship).

Her: "And it's ok if you call asleep."

Me: "I'm not sure if I can call asleep. They are never awake!"

She wasn't amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UrethraFrankl1n
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
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What kind of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sweaty_Bollocks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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