So, I took this Liverpool (UK) girl out to a vegetarian restaurant

I said, β€œDo you like avocado?”

She said, β€œNo, I aven’t even passed me driving test yet”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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They’ve locked down Liverpool John Lennon Airport and all the passengers are trapped inside

Imagine, all the people...

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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How do you know E.T. Is a Liverpool fan?

He looks like one.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I let my son wear a Liverpool jersey today. So far he’s been kicked, punched and spit at...

...it’ll be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cormac-Dockry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Liverpool FC once tried to get Yul Brinner to advertise their aftershave

But Yul never wore Cologne

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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England doesn't have a kidney bank but it has a Liverpool
πŸ‘︎ 741
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eternalrocket
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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Transfer window Liverpool
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DANNYonPC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
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My grandma in Liverpool got scammed out of a ton of money.

2000 pounds.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
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I went to a restaurant with someone from Liverpool.

He said, "I want coriander soup."

I said, "You greedy guy. Either have the curry or the soup, not both."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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What is the organ donation center called in England?

Liverpool

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avinash333bhat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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England doesn't have a kidney bank

But they do have a Liverpool.

Overheard my neighbour telling this joke to his kid.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sathri
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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What is the opposite of Manchester United?

It's not Manchester City or Liverpool. . . . . . . . . . Ans: Woman breasts are Divided

PS. Thought of it as a kid. Very high probability that other people have also thought of this. Cracked this in front of a friend who asked me to post here.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DelhiUnderbelly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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I lost 100 pounds in just 2 hours

By going to a casino in Liverpool!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RippleDotPenguin
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Great list of excellent puns

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop

any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd

never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she

couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The

police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benschweiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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The Train conductor at the station this morning was definitely a Dad...

So I was taking the train to work this morning, and I'm exchanging at a station. I walk up the stairs to the platform to get my second train which should lead me to work, and I notice a train leaving the platform. As anyone would do, I asked the conductor "is that Liverpool?" (referring to the train as my destination). He replied "No mate, that's a train". It wasn't the liverpool train and I wasn't late, but that sure made my day!

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Throwaway00010110
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
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My 11 y/o cousin today

Had a quiz question about what people from Newcastle (UK) are called (Geordies)

Cousin: You know what they call people who are born in Liverpool? Us: Scousers Cousin: No, babies

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RourkeA
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Me: "That's a big beetle!"

Dad: "Is it a Liverpool Beetle?" Me: "I don't know...what do they look like?" Dad: "When they're young they have long shaggy black hair and wear a suit. When they get older they look like hippies but vary..." Me: "Just stop, dad."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DocGull
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2015
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England doesn't have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Panda2377
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an organ donation center in England?

A Liverpool

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/math_rod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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England doesn’t have a kidney bank

But it does have a Liverpool.

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/severus_snape9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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England doesn't have a kidney bank,

but it does have a Liverpool.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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The UK doesnt have a kidney bank...

but it does have a Liverpool

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMisterDuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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England doesn't have a kidney bank...

But it does have a Liverpool.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
England doesn't have a Kidney Bank

It does have a LiverPool

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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England doesn't have a kidney bank,

but it does have a Liverpool.....

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
from the ask reddit thread on lame jokes.
  • I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
  • This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Velcro - what a rip off!
  • Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cffff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Pun overload!

My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...

Punny sayings!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gibbens15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report
These were in an email forwarded to me from family. Bless their heart.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Floofing_Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Punographic dad jokes

In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
Β· When chemists die, they barium. Β· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Β· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Β· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Β· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Β· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Β· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Β· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Β· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
Β· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
Β· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Β· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Β· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Β· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Β· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Β· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Β· Broken pencils are pointless.
Β· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
Β· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
Β· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Β· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
Β· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Β· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Β· Velcro - what a rip off!
Β· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjp_716
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report

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