I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus
but graphing is where I draw the line
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
Iβm back in my hometown looking after my Dad who gets a little forgetful. I helped him with a transaction, and when we left the store he said βWe need to go to a trophy shop, I need to get a trophy that says-Best Son Ever- βAw Dad, youβre my trophyβ
He looks at me and says βItβs for your brother!β
Edit: Today he said he has to get all the info for my brothers trophyβ¦ because my brother just had a son and my dad wants to get a commemorative βtrophyβ for his grandson! Dβoh! Iβm supposed to be helping him with his confusion.
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︎ Jul 02 2021
I found a pine tree that identified as a wolf.
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︎ Feb 22 2021
This oneβs a little tender
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︎ May 28 2021
A little boy asks his dad, "Do trees poop?"
The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I dated a python for a little while but I had to leave her.
I just felt too constricted
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︎ Jun 14 2021
I don't like green boogers, or yellow boogers, or big boogers, or little boogers.
I guess you could say I'm rather picky.
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︎ Jul 01 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
What do you call the little dot above the i?
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︎ Jul 02 2021
Why do the French eat so little for breakfast?
Because one egg is un Εuf.
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︎ Jun 28 2021
from my gf's little sister
What's a nurse's favorite game?
Peekaboo ICU
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︎ Jun 17 2021
It's a little known fact...
It's a little known fact that Ukraine is named after the British weather.
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︎ Jul 03 2021
I donβt understand why my son was so upset I gave him broken down cardboard for his birthday.
Heβs the one who kept asking for an ex-box.
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︎ May 27 2021
They didnβt get it. I think I mightβve swung a little too high with this joke.
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︎ Jun 09 2021
I tell myself take nothing for granite and be a little Boulder everyday.
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︎ Jun 02 2021
Have you heard the tragic story about the little bird that became a cardiologist?
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︎ Jul 04 2021
Me to my little sister: "did you know that a jellyfish has no brain or heart?"
My step-dad next to us: "like a politician"
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︎ Jul 03 2021
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Some dads might find Father's Day a little sad,
but the day beforehand is always a sadder day.
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︎ Jun 20 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
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︎ Jan 22 2021
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...
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︎ May 08 2021
My first experience with Preparation H was a little uneasy
but on the hole, it felt good.
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︎ Jun 09 2021
Little white lie
A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning. He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch. β Gβman says: βHey! Whereβs ya bin?β Guy: βIβve been in Florida.β β Gβman: βNo, no. I meant whereβs ya wheely bin?β Guy: βIβve really been in jail but I tell everyone Iβve been in Florida.β
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︎ Jun 27 2021
My wife said, "Isn't it strange how little people change?"
Now I'm thinking, "Do dwarves put on clothes differently to the rest of us. "
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︎ Apr 30 2021
I tried to pay my lawn care guy a little extra this week for a job well done, but he refused
βMow money mow problemsβ
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︎ Jun 15 2021
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
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︎ Jun 28 2021
So my wife says, βhoney, Iβd like to have a little Italian for dinner tonight.β
I said, βSure. But Iβm not sure how the little Italianβs family will feel about that.β
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︎ Jun 24 2021
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
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︎ May 30 2021
Whatβs brown,long and sticky?
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︎ Jun 02 2021
Why do all little fishes know the alphabet song?
Because all l'minnows pee.
...
Don't know why this came to me while I was cleaning up after my kids tonight, but there it is.
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︎ Jun 28 2021
If youβre being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that!
(Mj)
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︎ Jun 08 2021
Little Johnny returns from the supermarket with his mother...
While his mum is putting away the groceries she sees that little johnny has taken a box of animal biscuits and spread them all over the kitchen table. His mother asks "What on earth are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies "The box says that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken, I am looking for the broken seal."
source
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︎ Jun 24 2021
Thought of this while I was teaching my little brother about the wonderful world of colors
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︎ Apr 26 2021
Did you hear about the little boy born without an eye lid? They had to use his foreskin to make one.
The surgery went well, he is just a little cockeyed now.
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︎ May 25 2021
I think I know why Pat Sajak is the kind of guy who charges a little extra if you want to buy a vowel
He's definitely more someone who could be described as a consonant professional
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︎ Jun 27 2021
Todayβs temperature, in Minnesota, walked into a bar
Bartender looked at it and said, βwhy do you have to be so negative!β
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Little known fact about Forest Gump. Given his incredible initiative he was known about town asβ¦
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︎ Jun 25 2021
I put my left ear next to one of those fancy wind funnel fans, and I actually could feel a little air coming out of my right ear.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
I grabbed my guitar and started a little jam with my coffee machine.
It asked if I knew any tunes using the descale.
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︎ Jun 27 2021
I noticed something about my nipples that makes me a little self-conscious...
Is it normal for the left one to be bigger than the other two?
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︎ May 22 2021
What kind of tree is the best for blocking water?
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︎ Mar 29 2021
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
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︎ May 30 2021
Little story I remembered of my dad getting me good
I was about 9, local indoor water park had just opened and it had a wave machine! I was in the lazy river with my dad when the sirens came on to let people.know the wave machine is starting, I asked my dad what it was, he told me it means you have to wave and to make sure I was waving when we exited the river, I still look back on it now and think, "you dickhead"
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︎ Jun 17 2021
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
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