Anyone hear of the Linkin Park cover band from India? They only had one hit single....
A man on a business trip went into a singles bar, approached two women, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm...and collected.
Did you hear about the time the Queen of England ordered every single non-English person in the UK to be killed?
What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding?
Proud of my wife for this one. I'm playing a new racing game on Xbox. I told her I had "over 400 cars, but not a single Bugatti."
Without missing a beat, she replies with "Bugatti be kidding me!"
Do you know what is the number one cause of dry skin?
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
I made a list of all the people I hate … but my roommate rolled a joint with it …
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
Saw an airbed for sale yesterday listed at 2 prices, one for the airbed pre-blown up and the other with no air in. Unfortunately, they sold out of the the one with no air in so I had to fork out for the more expensive pre-blown one.
Stupid inflation, always driving up prices.
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a g and it's gone.
Why are all the numbers afraid of 7?
What’s the number one burger joint in Utah?
I can list every single number that's in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
Don’t forget when you’re writing the date tomorrow, the first set of numbers in the new year is twenty.
The second set isn’ twenty too, it’s twenty-two.
I made a list of the best reasons to go to the bathroom:
How do you make the number one disappear?
Put a g in front of it then it's gone.
put an n in front of it and you have none.
put a d in front of it....annnd I'm done
What kind of cheese do single people eat?
A nurse hands the doctor a sheet of paper telling him: "Here doctor is the list of donor hearts, kidneys & livers. All in alphabetical order."
The doctor replies: "Wow nurse! That's very
Organ-ized!"
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
Did you hear about the mathematician who was terrified of negative numbers
He would stop at nothing to avoid them
As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.
I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.
I once knew a pair of twins who looked almost exactly alike, the only difference between them was that one was missing an eye.
I guess they were dentical twins
So I just found out that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, loves to taking part in Nativity plays. He’s been a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
TIL about the number one cause of divorce in America.
Why did no one laugh when the king farted in front of his court?
Because noble gases do not cause reactions.
Ah to work in IT, one of the few fields you can work with a stripper without worrying the wife!
If you have two hands, you have an above average number of hands
There are some people out there single handedly dragging the average down!
My Wizard friend asked me to proof read one of his scrolls the other day...
Well, it was more of a spell check actually
I've just made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are alright but the last one is absoutely briliant.
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- alright
- absoutely briliant
Two doctors are standing at the end of two parallel piers. Which one do you go to in a medical emergency?
It’s quite the pair of docs on a pair of docks paradox.
^(idk if this counts or not.. This was told to me by a customer) "For 50 years of being married, me and the lady only had ONE fight...
At SeaWorld, there is apparently a single brush that they would use to clean all of the dolphins.
It was a multi-porpoise tool.
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
I got upset and threw my keyboard across the room. I found all of the pieces except one.
I really lost CTRL
*Edit: had a typo. TY for pointing it out u/LandofGreyandPink
4 feet of snow in Lake Tahoe forced the local Chipotle to close, but not before they made one last pun.
They say camping is one of the best medicines for stress.
One of the perks of being a brain surgeon is talking to patients
They tend to be open-minded
"Mr. Wonka, you said you'd give me a magical tour of your confectionary factory, but all I see is a single brown dog!"
Willy Wonka: <stroking dog> No... I said I'd show you my Chocolate Lab
What’s one word you must always say to the family of the deceased at a funeral?
Bargain - because it means a great deal.
A chemist walks into a bar and finds one of his friends in his usual spot. The chemist asks his friend to move to a different seat. His friend, says, “I suppose you’ve displaced me.” The chemist smiles and is about to say something but stops for a moment then says,
“I was going to make a chemistry joke but I was afraid you wouldn’t react.”
How do the elements of gold greet one another?
Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
Did you hear about the mathematician that was terrified of negative numbers?
He would stop at nothing to avoid them.
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