When I was a young boy my dad said to me, you can be anything you want in life, the sky is the limit.
Which made me sad. cause I wanted to an astronaut.
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︎ Jun 04 2022
The first computer was owned by Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with a very limited memory.
Just one byte and everything crashed.
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︎ Mar 23 2022
BEHOLD
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︎ Apr 27 2022
My son got angry when I told him βSky is the limit for youβ.
He wants to be an astronaut.
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︎ Apr 24 2022
An officer pulled over an old lady going over the speed limit with three other ladies in the backseat on Interstate 55.
Good Evening mam, do you know the speed limit is 45 km/h here? Why were you going at 55?
Oh sorry, the old lady replies. I thought the interstate number was the speed limit.
So, would you mind telling me why the others are shaking in the back?
Oh that. We just got off from Interstate 120.
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︎ Feb 06 2022
There's a limit on how many hearts you can break
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︎ Jan 29 2022
Shocking!!
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︎ Nov 13 2021
What's the worst thing to say before a driving exam?
"This thing does have airbags, right?"
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︎ Nov 06 2021
We only have one whisk at the restaurant I work at.
I asked my boss if that was because it was considered a limited whisk investment...
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︎ Apr 17 2022
I read they are calibrating elevators to make 1 ton the weight limit for all of them
Something about a new tons law
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︎ Oct 14 2021
I went to the store to grab my wife some Tampons, and they were giving them away for free
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︎ Apr 11 2022
You should always trust business owners.
After all, they have limited lie ability.
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︎ May 26 2022
Why do the Irish only but 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more would be too farty.
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︎ Mar 10 2022
The skyβs the limit
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︎ Apr 27 2021
Why did the sperm cross the road???
Because I put on the wrong socks this morningβ¦
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︎ Feb 05 2022
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
Calculus jokes are not at all useless
They are an integral part of our society.
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︎ Dec 04 2021
My doctor told me that I need to limit red meets. What? And then they said, and I quote, "to avoid trans fats entirely." I stormed out that door so fast
Yelling as I left, "I'll associate with WHOMEVER I want REGARDLESS of their politics, gender IDENTIFICATION, and/or ROBUSTNESS!"
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︎ Jul 23 2021
A duck walks into a bar..
and asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck leaves and returns the following day, waddling into the bar to hop up on a stool and yet again ask the bartender, βdo you have any grapes?β
Bartender curtly replies, βno.β
The duck returns the following day, struts on in, jumps up on his stool and loudly asks the bartender once more, βdo you have any grapes?β
The bartender now over their limit says, βno! I donβt have any grapes! And if you ask me that again Iβm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!β
Duck jumps off his stool and leaves.
The following day the bartender is fuming to see this duck come flip flopping through the door yet again, jump up on a stool and stare at them.
The duck clears his throat and politely asks, βexcuse me sir, but do you have any nails?β The bartender says, βno.β
βWell thenβ stated the duck, βdo you have any grapes?β
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︎ Mar 05 2022
Do you want feel old?
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︎ Apr 25 2022
I have seen a lot of NSFW jokes on this sub recently. If you can't tell a joke to your kids, it's not a "dad joke" it's just a pun.
They're also pun-ishingly bad! You should be pun-alized for it!
Edit: >!I normally don't do this but let me explain the joke/post. Please notice the pun-chline below the title.!<
>!The idea behind this post was to make a pun out of the controversial topic of this sub and nothing else.!<
>!I'm the "devil's advocate" when it comes to both sides. I love both SFW and NSFW dad jokes. Also, there are many prude cultures in the world where parents don't use NSFW jokes with their kids even as an adult so it makes sense why they won't think an NSFW joke is not a dad joke. Reddit is not limited to western culture.!<
Edit 2: A lot of people have been sharing links in this post. Don't click them. They might be scammers.
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︎ Aug 25 2021
I hear Hallmark and American Greetings are teaming up to limit competition and fix prices...
I knew they'd eventually form a cardtel.
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︎ Jul 16 2021
I think there should be a schedule for when to stop using slang words.
I am just a strong supporter of term limits.
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︎ Apr 25 2022
BREAKING NEWS: Conor McGregor has been arrested!
He was caught Dublin the speed limit!
Source
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︎ Mar 24 2022
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I went to an exotic petting zoo with Boy George. He wasn't at all impressed with their limited range of animals.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
Limited release Harry Potter title
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︎ Feb 19 2018
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
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︎ Apr 29 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Svengoolie
Q: How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A: >!A tractor!<
Q: Whatβs the difference between Sven (the host) and a savings bond?
A.1: >!Oneβs appreciated.!<
A.2: >!A savings bond matures.!<
Q: What part of the hospital is off-limits to The Invisible Man?
A: >!The ICU.!<
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︎ Feb 27 2022
I stopped walking on coal to limit my carbon footprint
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 01 2020
I've had it with speed limits...
I'm putting my foot down.
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︎ Mar 17 2021
What did Ronald McDonald say when MTV showed up at his house?
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︎ Nov 19 2021
My sister didn't get my pun
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︎ Dec 15 2020
My dad always used to say, "The sky's the limit!"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
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︎ Oct 18 2017
Son asked me how the Fremen got sandworm teeth to make crysknives.
I told him, βThey go to the Dunetist.β
His eyes rolled so hard I thought he was a Mentat.
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︎ Nov 24 2021
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt mind him. He is just a product of our times.
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︎ Aug 12 2020
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project youβre working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
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︎ Sep 28 2020
When birds of prey are traveling via plane, they can each bring aboard a dead animal.
This is because most airline companies have a limit of one carrion per passenger.
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︎ Jan 30 2022
Apparently the actor that played Darth Sidious in the Star Wars movies had a heart disease while the movies were being made.
The rest of the cast nicknamed him Emperor Palpatate.
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︎ Oct 23 2021
What do you call a lycanthrope who knows their limits?
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︎ Aug 28 2020
My son got angry when I told him "Sky is the limit for you".
He wants to be an astronaut.
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︎ Dec 30 2021
Did you know the first computer dates back to Adam and Eve?
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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︎ Dec 08 2021
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Feb 15 2018
The worst joke that my dad is so proud of
The oldest computer was owned by adam and eve. It was an Apple with very limited memory. Just 1 Byte and everything crashed !
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︎ Aug 18 2021
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
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︎ Aug 22 2020
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