What do you call a father or a mother who's kid looks a lot like them ?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
My father was an electrical engineer. I'm not one, but I like to work with electronics.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 02 2020
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Dec 28 2017
"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding
"Add some jam on it," he continued
(Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
π︎ 981
π
︎ Mar 24 2019
The card I got from my father is shaped like a hot dog
"Hot dog, it's your birthday! Let's be Frank, you're probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead - don't be a weenie! Relish every moment of your celebration."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
I'd like to pass on some advice my father gave me
Don't be a zombie, be a zomdo.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 12 2019
Just like his father, Kim Jong Un takes a binocular wherever he goes.
For proper gander purposes.
π︎ 104
π
︎ Jul 12 2018
My father used to like to get to the golf course an hour early to use the practice green...
He liked to putter around.
RIP. Miss the old man.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 16 2019
My dad likes bad puns, so I decided to include some on his Father's Day card envelope. Thought you all might appreciate!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 17 2018
Iβd like to be a millionaire just like my father.
He wanted to be a millionaire too.
π︎ 51
π
︎ Feb 17 2018
Like father, like son.
A few days ago my wife had a friend over. She was playing with our 4 year old son building Lego. They were building a tow truck. The next step was to put the wheels on. Our friend went to the next step and noticed he had already done it.
"wow, you're on the ball."
To which he responds "No, I'm on a roll." as he rolls the car back and forth on the table.
Such a proud moment for me.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Jan 08 2018
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.
Now This raises more questions.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 02 2018
People say I look like my father's brother.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 26 2018
My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, "You sure like to take naps don't you ?"
He said, "Well this is a rest home."
π︎ 99
π
︎ Dec 20 2016
At home my father desses like my mother and my mother dresses like my father, this is what it looks like.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 14 2017
I'm not even a father yet, but I feel like I'm prepared
Friend A: What'd y'all do this summer?
Friend B: I studied abroad.
Me: Was she at least nice about it?
^^I'm ^^so ^^sorry.
π︎ 102
π
︎ Aug 21 2013
If a father asked their child if they would like a tropical fruit, would the child respond
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 11 2017
During a conversation about music my father asked me "Wait, you like Gwen Stefani??"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 30 2017
What my father said after the cashier asked him if he'd like to donate $1 to promote literacy
"No thanks I already know how to read"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 08 2015
As a soon to be father, I really feel like I need to say this:
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 28 2015
I feel like a father figure to my co-workers
I bike up and down a very large hill to get to work every morning
Co-worker: "You're going to have huge calves by the end of the summer!"
Me: "Yeah, they'll be so big they will probably be cows!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 14 2016
I Feel like my father would say this.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Nov 10 2013
Like father, like son
My brothers come to pick me up from school, so I text me dad that we're headed home.
Dad: Ok. Take time drive careful, Lee
Me: Will do. Much appreciate, Ed
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 26 2016
I've been an actual father for thirty years and at least one of the three at least once or twice a season still asks me what it's like out.
Is it nice out?
It's so nice out I almost left it out.
Is it cold out?
I don't know. The temperature is so low I couldn't take it out.
Is it hot out?
I don't know. Ask your mom.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 07 2015
I feel like I am fully prepared to be a father some day
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 03 2013
Was told you would like this: As kids on the way to McDonald's, my father used to torment us to the point of tears by telling us we were going to the fictional Wong's House of Liver instead...
This is what I got him for Christmas this year:
http://i.imgur.com/3luzi1J.jpg
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 04 2014
I offered to go shopping for my father and all he wanted was chips and salsa. I picked out the brand of chips he wanted quick enough, but he didn't like how long it was taking me to get the salsa.
He told me to pick up the Pace.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 01 2013
Father in law likes to bike ride
FIL: "Going for a ride, back in a bit"
MIL: "Okay, be safe. Make sure to watch your shoulder"
FIL: "But if I watch my shoulder how can I see where I'm going? Doesn't seem safe to me"
MIL: ...groan
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 13 2013
Uh-oh, looks like the Holy Father is getting in on things too...
Our secret recipe for holy water: take two liters water, and boil the hell out of it!
https://twitter.com/DadjokePope
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 24 2014
As an expectant father, I feel like I can finally post my own jokes here...
What do you call a pig wearing a cow's slippers?
Moo-shoe pork!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 27 2013
GRANDPA: I have a 'dad bod', DAD: To me it's more like a father figure.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
