What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?

Called it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspChef
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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One time I sat outside all night wondering what the reason was that it's always dark all night and light all day.

Then it dawned on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paulvs88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2022
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What do you call a Force user whose light during the day and dark at night?

Mace Window

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DracoRaknar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2021
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Finally learnt how to separate my washing into lights and darks...

Turns out there can be a bit of a grey area

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat_mummy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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I have a really dark joke about light waves changing speeds and direction!

[refracted]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huxm_luxl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Was working under the sink in the dark, and my wife asked if I needed a light.

I told her no thanks, I don't smoke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nkillgore
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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The joke that got me arrested. I got pulled over by the police. When he got to my window he asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. I said "You wanted to ask me to the (city-name) Police Ball charity event?".

With a confused but serious look the officer replied "The (city-name) Police Department doesn't have any balls sir". After my brief chuckle he used the force to arrest me. Not the light force or the dark force. He used excessive force. The light sabers are black and made of wood but they really hurt. The force was strong with that one.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2022
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyAlligator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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A dad/programmer joke combo

I am a software engineer, and our project manager asked why she was always the only one with her camera on in meetings. I said well I am in a dark and messy room so I would rather not share that state. She queried why my room was dark, and I said "because bugs are attracted to light"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/W1TBL1TZ
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2022
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My grandfather grew up in a small town.

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllylTeapot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2022
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From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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God finished creating the 24-hour cycle on Earth...

...with both darkness and light taking turns. He admired his hard work with a smile and a sigh. An angel asked him β€œWhat’s wrong, Lord?” God replied β€œI think I’m gonna call it a day.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_on
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Duct tape is like the Force.

It has a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BethJ2018
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Little Johnny joke

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says β€œthis is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says β€œwell maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying β€œI’m a light bulb” and the boss says β€œmaybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks β€œwhere do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies β€œyou expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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So we came home yesterday only to find that someone broke into our house...

Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot.

Our TV was still there, the kids PS4, and legos were fine.

But the house was dark, even when we tried to turn on the lights.

Seems the only thing that was taken were our light bulbs and a couple lamps...we were delighted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
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Two factory workers talking

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: β€œI can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: β€œAnd how would you do that?”
Woman: β€œJust wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: β€œWhat are you doing?”
Woman: β€œI’m a light bulb.”
Boss: β€œYou’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: β€œWhere are you going?”
The man says: β€œI’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hussainsalimdubai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!


Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? β€œThe” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Electricity joke over dinner

Me, jokingly to my mother, "what did they do to pass the time before television and radio?"

Mother - I don't know, people probably held scrolls up to the candle light because there was no electricity

Dad - That's why they called it the Dark Ages dear.

My father and I were the only ones who appreciated that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaminub
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2014
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I am so proud of myself.

We have a dog.

He does his business in a pen.

This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.

On the regular.

So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.

Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.

2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"

dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncle_solf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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What is the temperature inside of a tauntaun?

Lukewarm

Dad never fails to tell this joke whenever we watch Star Wars. Along with the duct tape/force joke. (It has a light side, a dark side, and holds the universe together)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azsunyx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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A son asks his dad..

Son: Is it true that a father will always be more knowledgeable than his son?

Dad: Of course!

Son: Who invented the light bulb?

Dad: Thomas Edison.

Son: If the father know so much more, why didn't he invented the light bulb instead?

Dad: Son, when it was lights out and dark, he was busy inventing Edison!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aweife
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
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Got my girlfriend on an early drive this morning.

My girlfriend was driving us to into town early this morning for work, it was dark and we all had lights on. A waste disposal truck coming the other way narrowly misses us as it overtakes a cyclist on a blind corner. My girlfriend gets angry because of their stupidity, I wait a split second and say:

"I guess they're just a rubbish lorry driver"

It didn't defuse the situation...

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RagingSantas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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Don't know if this counts, but my dad said it and it was funny

The power is out at my house and even though the internet says that they have no idea what caused it or how to fix it, the lights keep periodically flashing back on again.

My dad just commented that he thinks they know what's going on and are just "keeping us in the dark".

I'm sure if the lights were on he would look so pleased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardBeardBeard44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
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Some stories I'd like to share.

I had been driving for a few years and had just moved off to college.

I was on my way back home to visit and it got dark during my drive. My headlights and radio worked but my dash lights were not coming on. When I got home I asked my dad about it and he said he'd go take a look. He went outside then comes back in the house just a few minutes later.

Me: "Did you find out what the problem is?"

Dad: "I think so."

Me: "Well, what was it?"

Dad: "I'll have to show you tomorrow, if I'm right then we're going to have fun working on your truck all morning."

We wait until morning, and dad wakes me up to go work on my truck. We go outside and he has me walk him through the entire problem again. Which lights were working and which were not, has me start the truck a few times and has me do the same troubleshooting I did the night before. I was getting frustrated and told him I tried absolutely everything.

Then he says "I think there's one thing you forgot." He points at a knob by the steering wheel. I looked at where he was pointing and it hit me. It's the damned the dash-light dimmer switch, and it was set to it's lowest (dimmest) position. When I looked back up at him he just had the biggest grin on his face. He then went into a full explanation on how this knob worked, knowing full well that I already knew what that knob did. Which, by the way, I'm sitting on the driver's seat and he's standing at the driver's side door. So I had no way to walk away from this embarrassing moment. All I could do was look down at the steering wheel and listen to him enjoying his joke.

Bonus story #1:

I'm in my 30s and one of my friends is a 74 year old guy that I play pool with. He always asks me what I've been up to, and one time I told him I met a girl.

He got excited and said "Do you have any pictures of her?" So I showed him a few pictures of us together.

Old man: "She's beautiful! She sounds like a keeper."

Then he leans in with a grin and says "Do you have any naked pictures of her?"

Me: "No way!"

Old man: "Do you want to see some?"

Bonus story #2:

That same old man was at our friend's wedding. He's sitting at the table with his wife and a bunch of other people. The conversation is about how they have been married for 50+ years. He says "I don't know how she's put up with me for this many years. But I've always told her that she can leave whenever she wants to, cause I'm comin' with her."

His wife explained that she has heard all of his jokes so

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JIGGLY_BALL
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
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my dad cracking himself up

I walked into the living room and he didn't have any lights on, so I said "just sitting in the dark?" and he said "no, I'm sitting in the chair" and made himself crack up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/googler94
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
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Went to the grocery store with my roommate.

I told him I would meet him in the deli because I needed to get food from a different section. We come out of the aisle, right where the packaged meats are (ground beef, sirloins, chicken, etc.) and turn in separate directions. I look at them and notice right away that the overhead lights are on them are not lit. I yell, "Hey, John! John!" and he looks back at me. I point to them and say, "Dark meat". He looks at me confused, looks at them for a second. He then goes "Aaawwwww!" and throws his hat on the ground.

I'm known for my puns, so his reaction was all the better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyShrimp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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My Grandad dropped this one at dinner...

An Official is inspecting a lunatic asylum to find one inmate to be released for the Asylum's anniversary, after several hours of visiting the numerous wards he enters one where he finds a man sitting on his bed carving a wooden block. He approaches the man and asks him what he was carving, the man on the bed replies that he carves wooden clothes pegs, and that each day he makes around 5. "Well that certainly is impressive" the inspector tells the man, "I think I shall recommend you to the warden for release." The inspector then notices a man hanging from the ceiling, "What is he doing up there?" he again questions the man on the bed. "Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb!" The man on the bed replies, "Well, shouldn't we get him down?" the Inspector asks, shocked, "Don't be daft!", remarks the Man on the bed, "I can't work in the dark!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperCraften
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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I used to work at Subway...

Customer: "Can I have lettuce, 3 tomatoes, and light green peppers" Me: "Sorry, we only have dark green peppers, are those okay?"

Nobody ever picked up on it...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitet3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
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The Joke

You awake in a room, it is dark, you are sitting in a fold up chair. You look down and feel your belly, it is rumbling. You look to the wall behind you and turn on the light. You turn back around only to see 3 dozen Dads telling jokes to each other and howling in laughter. You push through the crowd until you find your own father. Once you find him you tell him you're hungry. Immediately every dad in the crowd looks at you and simultaneously chants four words, "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazeyRocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
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My dad at the bathroom

My dad was taking a piss in the bathroom but the windows were closed and he didn't turn the lights on, so I asked him

"Why are you pissing in the dark?"

And he answered

"I'm not, I'm pissing in the toilet".

sigh

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IHaveThisUsername
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Dadjoke at Work

Younger guy working with me is going help maintenance change some light bulbs today. But he tells me doesn't know where (we have 30 facilities).

I stop typing, look at him and say, "Well I guess you could say they're... leaving you in the dark".

He shakes his head, pretends to chuckle (he's a bit new and thus required to agree with me), then goes about his work again.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenHarasaki
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
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He made me get my own beer

So I'm visiting a friend in California, and apparently their fridge light is out. Their roommate went to get a beer, and when he opened the fridge said "why is this fridge so dark?" to which I responded "maybe we should have bought light beer."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?

He called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
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How to get a day off at work

Woman: β€œI can make the boss give me the day off.”Man: β€œAnd how would you do that?”Woman: β€œJust wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.Boss comes in: β€œWhat are you doing?”Woman: β€œI’m a light bulb.”Boss: β€œYou’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”The man starts to follow her and the boss says:β€œWhere are you going?”The man says: β€œI’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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My coworker got me with a classic

Him: so I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment.

Me: nooo what the shit

Him: looking around it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot, my TV was still there, my ps4 and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...

I guess you can say I was ... delighted

Me: I FUCKING KNEW IT

Him: :D

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fartlands
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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I found Dark Matter in my bedroom!

Then I turned on the light and it wasn't dark anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CitizenWoot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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