Leading Lady Puns

I have this idea for a porn film.

It starts with a sexy woman in sexy clothing opening the door for a repairman.

"I'm here to fix your fountain," he says, and turns to go the fountain and begin the repairs.

"Oh, that's not the one that isn't working, I need you to fix the one out back," she says in a sultry voice.

So she leads him through the house and out the back door to the busted fountain. He fixes it quickly and says "It only needed some adjustments, ma'am. That'll just be a minimum service charge, $75.00."

She says "You know, there's something else I need adjusting," and starts to unzip his pants. He pushes her hand away, zips back up and says "Look lady, no disrespect, but I have four more jobs to get done before lunch, so how about you hand me a check, I hand you a receipt and we hopefully never see each other again."

I call it Broke Back Fountain, Part 1.

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

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Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

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Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

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For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

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This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

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“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

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Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

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I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

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How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

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When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

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What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

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What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

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What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

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What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

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Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

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How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

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I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

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Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.

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The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

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I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

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I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

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Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

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What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

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What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

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Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

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What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

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What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

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Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

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