What do you call the last chapter in a book about the Civil War?

The Appopendox!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What do you call the second best writing utencil that is the last of its kind?

The penultimate, ultimate pen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kernrivers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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I was on the phone last night with my niece and she said what do you call someone laying on the floor.

My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Runningforbeer343
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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What do you call a portion of fish that lasts for 24 hours?

A Daytona.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esma3ell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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What do you call hastily done noodles at the last minute?

Cramen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Last night I asked my dog what we should call the top of our house

He just looked at me like he had no clue what I said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zdws19
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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What did the deathrow inmate dad call his last supper?

Ciao time...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateking1000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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What do you call a student who graduated last in medical school?

Doctor

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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What do you call a deer with no eyes? [My first and likely last comic strip] imgur.com/a/EovjR
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oaklandnative
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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I was waiting in line for my tickets to the LA Phil last night when the box office staff asked "is everyone in this line here for Will Call? This is the line for Will Call."

To which I replied, "No, I'm here for Beethoven. Who the heck is Will Call?" Worth it for the few 'extra air out of the nose' laughs I got from the three people around me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/numba1dmxfan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2017
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What do you call the last pastry in an Italian bakery in space?

Only Wan Cannoli

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rockmanexe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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What do you call a dinosaur who is easy to clean, heat resistant and long lasting?

py-rex

I'll get my coat...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/byte_marx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I called my wife 'Miss Universe' last night.

"Is it because I'm so beautiful?" she asked

"NO, It's because you're constantly expanding."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What is it called when you change a bike's tires for the very last time?

Retired

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickC-249
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Danger, Fear, and Panic came knocking at my door. It'd been ten years since the last visit, and all holding clipboards, were ready to begin the inquisition. Nervously, I opened the door and prepared myself to answer their calling.

"Sense us."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Attila the Hun had a pet snake who refused to eat.

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My fiancΓ©e called me last night and said she was on the sofa with Ben & Jerry.

Sounded like she enjoyed her mΓ©nage Γ  froid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jocktx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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Last night I went to a Christian themed restaurant called β€œThe Lord Giveth”.

They also do take away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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What's Whitney Houston's favourite coordination?

HAAAANDD EEEEEEYYYYEEEEEEEEEE

P.S. I can't take credit, a got a phone call very late last night from my friend and her partner who had been drinking and just discovered this joke. They couldn't stop laughing. If only you could all have heard them trying to sing it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frankie0694
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Two melons flew to Vegas to get married, but one of them called it off at the last minute.

He said, β€œIt may be easy for you to say β€˜hun, I do’, but I cantaloupe.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mhwal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Girlfriend called me last night. She wanted to talk, but I couldn't hear her voice because of the static noise

She was breaking up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebubno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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My boss called me last Saturday and said they were shorthanded and really needed someone to come in...

I replied, "Sounds like a personnel problem to me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lunchbockslarry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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Wife called me at work and said she was throwing some steaks in the pan for dinner last night.

I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.

(True story, actually happened. )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liquidlino1978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
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Tired of the cold, Superman traded the Fortress of Solitude for a house in Italy...

He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:

"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPossible
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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When shipping delays cause one day of presents to last a week, is it called Amazonnukah?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskybusinesscdc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
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Punny plumber

A plumber is finishing up his last job of the day when he gets a call from his dispatcher to install a water heater. He argues, but the dispatcher says everyone else has gone home and it’s marked as urgent. The plumber concedes the argument and says β€œIt’s a tankless job, but somebody’s gotta do it”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LarsBlackman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I called my dad last night after not talking to him for a while

I asked him "so, what are you up to?"

He responded "oh, a little under six feet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HermitThrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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Maid Got Fired

I hired a new maid last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. I called her into the study and told that I was sorry but I was going to have to let her go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Lucy. I asked her, β€œWhat was that for?" She replied, β€œCan’t forget my helper! Lucy has a great tongue, and always helped me do the dishes!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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You'll get a reaction out of this....

Anyone who makes a pun about iron should pay a periodic Fe, I would stop now but that'd be Nobel of me, HeHeHe. Be sure to take a deep breath before you say "NO". At this point you might thinking we should get Iridium of this guy in rl too. I'll eventually run out of chemical puns, right? Na, which might be your mood coincidentally. This guy must be a fake as Silicone, he got this from somewhere to which I reply, Si, senor! I Cu calling for the coppers, but any "Bro" of mine wouldn't. Don't worry, the best ones Argon by now. Au reading this! This winding list is surely golden by now, right?

As we close this out, allow me to echo your thoughts one last time, Fr y'all.

"F"In"Al"Y"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vadea_Shepard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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What do they call the person in medical school who graduates last in his class?

Doctor.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grammascookies
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2015
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If Rick Perry was president Healthcare would be called Perry Care. If the presidents last name was bear it would be Bear Care.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.

(Ok, it works better here in the northeast.)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear.

And the last of the trilogy, what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?

Yeah, you got it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobobby44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report

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