L cut Puns

For instance, if there was ever two of an item near me that you would obviously only need one of (let’s say a steak knife on the dinner table) he’d point and grin and say “I see you’ve got yourself one for each hand huh? Now you can cut twice as fast!”

But he would do this in every possible scenario and would get a good laugh out of it. Now, me being his son, I do the same stupid joke every single time I get the chance to in life.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 light-years from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."

They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.

"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.

"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark."

After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.

"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."

They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.

"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."

The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.

"These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioa

Get two pieces of bread, cut off the crusts, and you wish you had something in the middle!

Credit to my grandpa for that one.

I cut down 62894 trees during my career, I know it was this exact amount as I kept a log.

I was able to fell trees just by looking at them.... Impossible I hear you say...

I know it's hard to believe but I saw them with my own eyes!

RIP Larry Tessler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy, and Paste, died age 74

I used a Bryan Adams CD. It cuts like a knife

Take 4 sheets of metal. Cut 2 to hang on your sides, one to hang on your back and one to fit on your front. Fashion them to look like a cheese grater tower. Also place cheese graters on your arms. Introduce yourself as a grate dad.

Hi punsters! My wife and I would like to request your help for naming the following party food items with Hawaiian puns. We are hosting a Hawaiian themed baby shower for my wife. The plan is to put tags next to each item.

Ex: Poke bowls: Gotta catch ’em all

Cheese Dips

Salsa Dips

Tortilla Chips

Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Nutter Butter Cookies

Samosas

Cake Pops (shaped like coconuts)

Cup Cakes

Coconut Trifles

Edible Arrangements (Cut up fruit)

Thank you!

Dad: Well, to cut a long story short..

But I had to quit because they cut meowers

He just didn't cut it

True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?

I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!

Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.

So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!

I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering “the fingernail”!

A shore cut

So it'll cut itself

....And the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve no bits of string in this bar! Get out!"

So the piece of string walks outside, ties himself in a bow, and cuts each of his ends with some scissors. Then he heads back into the bar.

The bartender says "Hey! Aren't you that piece of string I just ran out of here?"

And the string says "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

I got them all cut

Someone cut her off and kept brake checking.

It was nun stop entertainment.

It's some cutting edge technology, let me tell you that

That's why my son said it has a cutting edge technology.

As his apprentice, I once assisted him at an exhibition and managed to lose the cutting implement he uses to prepare the paper for folding. I can’t believe I lost The Rock’s Paper Scissors.

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner.

One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point

He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing.

The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

Cut a hole in the ice and line the rim with frozen peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

It’s a cut above the rest.

Well first you cut a hole in the ice. Next you place snow peas all along the rim of the hole. Finally, when the polar bear comes up to take a pee, you sneek up behind and kick em in the icehole!

It didn’t make the cut.

It's a cut throat competition.

They are cutting edge technology.

a fox, a rabbit and a bear need to serve their fatherland, but they dont want to, so they make a plan. The fox thinks, wat if we cut of my tail, they think its a good idea, they cut of his tail, he goes on inspection, comes cheerfully back with the news that he didnt need to go in the army, then the rabbit thinks, wat if we cut my ears of, because i dont have a long tail. They think its a good idea, they cut hiw ears of, the rabbit goes on inspection, and also comes cheerfully out with the news that he doesn't need to go in the army. then they think for the bear, his tail is too short, and his ears are to short. The fox thinks, wat if we smash out his teeth. The bear thinks about it, abrees, they smash out his teeth, and the bear goes on inspectoin. he too comes cheerfully out, woohoow, i font neef to fo, i fas to fat!!!

I said they were up and down. Refurbished parts just can't cut it.

He didn’t make the cut

He tried everything: rodents, small animals, and even cuts from larger animals, but it wouldn't eat.

As a last resort, he offered a virgin, but still the snake wouldn't eat. So, he called up the village's wise man.

Without hesitation, the wise man put two pieces of bread on the woman, and the snake ate her whole.

When Attila asked why, the wise man responded,

"Thine anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, hun!"

I know because everytime I cut one, I keep a log

2 girls are chatting, one isn't particularly bright and seems very deep in thought, the other asks what she's thinking about, the not so bright one says she has an issue, "I have had a horse for years and my parents have just bought me a new one which is virtually identical to the first and I'm struggling to work out which one is which." The friend suggested she try cutting the mane short on one horse making it easy to identify. The friend is over the moon and rushes away to try the suggestion. A few weeks pass and the friends meet up, The friend and how she got on with the mane cutting trick. "It was fine for the first couple of weeks but the mane grew back so I'm back to square one." The friend thinks for a while and suggests cutting the hair on the tail short making identification simple. Again the girl rushes off to try the suggestion. A few weeks later they meet again with much the same story, this time the friend suggests measuring the horses height to see if one is taller than the other. A few weeks later they meet up, the not so clever one is ecstatic and proceeds to tell her friend how it went. "It was amazing and I hadn't noticed but the black horse was 2 hands taller than the white one".

.... my God they're cutting into my waist!

With cutting hedge technology!!

He could only give buzz cuts.

When cutting, keep it away from the blade.

The director's cut.

They can cut the cheese

Maybe next time I'll get all hairs cut.

He just didn’t cut it.

"No, I got all of them cut."

It cuts like a knife.