What do you say of someone who envies a pudding?

He's jelly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaheil2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?

DON'T BE JELLY!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Nobody would name their band Pearl Jelly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.

Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What happens if you put capsaicin in jelly

Red hot jelly peppers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hashanan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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What is a printer's favorite type of jelly?

Jelly's fine, but paper jam is the best!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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4 year old got me today

We just got back into the car after shopping at Lowe’s.

Me: It’s hot in here, I’m toasty.

4yo: I’m going to spread jelly on you.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrandeUte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My wife made a PB&J protein shake and asked what I thought. I suggested she add regular kitchen spices.

Then she could have peanut butter jelly thyme!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aardvark1292
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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I brought peanut butter the the jam session

They were all jelly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/realfleshperson
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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It just blurted out

I was home alone a few hours ago and wanted to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I apply peanut butter and then go downstairs for jelly since there's none upstairs. I grab a new jar and try to open it. However I am incredibly weak so I fail to get it open. After five to ten minutes of trying to open it, I call my mother who is out running errands.

"Mom, are you coming home soon?" "No, why?" "... I can't get this jelly jar open..." "Look in the top shelf with the silverware. There's a red plastic thing. That's a jar opener, use that." "Alright, one sec..." Jar opens "YES!!" Jumps for joy and rushes back to phone "THANK YOU SO MUCH MOM!" "No problem." "I was in a real jam." mom hangs up, sighing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunarDrop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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Some quality Christmas dad jokes.

Q: Why did the mechanic sleep under the car? A: He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

Q: What kind of cough medicine does Dracula take? A: Coffin medicine.

Q: What animals need oiling? A: Mice, because they squeak.

Q: How does Jack Frost get to work? A: By icicles.

Q: What do hedgehogs have for lunch? A: Prickled onions.

Q: What lies in a pram and wobbles? A: A jelly-baby.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/14andy4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Daughter and wife didn't appreciate it, but my son did.

Putting jelly on toast this morning and got some on me. Held it up and said, "Look. I jammed my thumb." Went over as well as I expected.

Yes, I know there's a difference between jelly and jam. I just don't care enough to waste a good joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sineofthetimes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
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I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich...

The peanut butter said, "Do you want to stick together?" The jelly replied, "You're nuts!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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β€œDaddy, make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” a four-year-old tells his father.

His father responds, β€œOk, you’re a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/migel210
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Got my wife as she explained something to our toddler.

My wife couldn't open a jar of grape jelly. Our two year old didn't understand why she had to bring it to me. He was only concerned with how long it was taking to make his sandwich. I opened it, but it was pretty hard because the jelly had caked around the threads and dried in place, gluing the lid to the jar.

My wife saw our son getting impatient and told him, "Hold on kiddo, mommy couldn't open the jar, so she had to bring it to daddy. Even daddy had a hard time opening it."

At this point, my internal dad joke radar started screaming a proximity warning. The collision with a dad joke was imminent. I smiled, took half a second to bask in my dad glory, and added, "Yeah, it was jammed."

Wife groaned, but son laughed (because he saw the lid was finally open). I take whatever I can get.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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Dad joked my friend

My friend said he wanted the squirt gun that shoots jelly from the island of misfit toys. I told him it would probably jam a lot and asked him if it was standard issue for the US Army Preserves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirBrentsworth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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Best Joke Ever

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in. "So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, hitting him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davernr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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I asked my gf to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

She responds, "it would be difficult to make you a pb&j because you are too big. You would be large peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Achillez34
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2017
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Good one by my friend.

We were having breakfast yesterday and he was mindlessly eating this grape jelly packet. In a joking/mocking way I asked him how his jelly was, until he replied "its pretty grape".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linxmau09
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
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Got my parents today.

My dad was showing me the Peanut Butter Jelly Time video cause I've never seen it before.

My dad: this is my jam

Me: no no it's jelly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zubat_Breeder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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Trouble opening a jar of jelly...

So my 11 year old daughter was having trouble opening a jar of grape jelly and asked for my help. I took it and got it open after a bit of a struggle, and said...."Wow, that lid was really JAMMED on there." I got a world class eye roll out of her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viking042900
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

You can't jelly out to your favorite tunes.

Alternative: It's impossible to be jam of how good I look.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Threeedaaawwwg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2015
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Got a friend via twitter

Posted a picture from a wine and cheese party:

Her: jelly~

Me: No, it's just cheese and other spreads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zora894
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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My dad and I were walking around at a protected tide pool...

When he spotted a jellyfish stuck between two rocks and, without skipping a beat, pointed and said "Looks like we have a jelly in a jam in a preserve."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam0109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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I overheard a dad joke today.

I was in line at a store checking out and a kid says to his dad, "Look, there's camouflage Jelly Bellies!" And of course the dad responds, "I couldn't see them!" The kid definitely didn't get it and just goes about his business, but I am cracking up behind them in line. It was great.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stitchmond
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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Heard this dad pick-up line today

"Oh man, I'm jelly. "

"Hey jelly, I'm peanut butter"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatOneGuy444
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Dad joked my dad

My dad walks into the room to see me looking in the fridge.

Dad: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Looking for a jar of jelly"

Dad: "It shouldn't be a jar"

Me: "I realize, but how else am I gonna look for the jelly without the door slightly open?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbace715
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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Hitler's Doughnut, Original joke

One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oriyagi
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
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What's the difference between jam and jelly?

I can't jelly out to Pink Floyd!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m0ntyy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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