My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
As the cop knocked on my door, I just stayed in complete silence. He then knocked again. Determined not to give myself away, I just stayed still.
Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Just LOGGED in and saw this
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
LPT: If you are trying to stay in a hotel that’s completely booked, just tell the receptionist that your name is “improvement”.
Because there’s always room for improvement.
I’ve just been voted the most secretive person in the whole world
I can’t tell you how much this means to me
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
Just received a masters degree in 'garden fencing'.
I am now a post graduate.
A man in my gym just proposed and she said no.
They didn’t workout.
Edited: It changed to they.
Thanks lornstar7
THIS JUST IN: A man is still in critical condition after swallowing $100,000 in large bills.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...
Because of all the cut backs.
When I was a poor, struggling actor, I had to take a job getting spanked in a BDSM film just to pay the rent...
...yes, I was really strapped for cash back then.
If the air conditioning in your car dies, you just need some WD-40.
I just flew in from Chernobyl
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.
He's going to learn how to count or spell.
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
I just found out you should never put sanitizer in the dishwasher.
Just stopped at the liquor store in Corydon, IN called ‘Butt Drugs’
I told the clerk I’d like to try some of their finest beers and that I’d put enema order soon
Just lit my grill and I held a flaming stick in front of my sons face...
Son: STOP! It’s never funny to joke around with fire!
Me: (looks at the fire) Why did the chicken cross the road?
The wife and I were crying laughing while the son went inside and locked us out of the house. 😂😂😂
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
A great dad joke I just heard in an episode of The Sopranos
Tony Soprano: So your father tells me you’re taking up Astronomy in college.
Kevin Bonpensiero: No, business.
Tony Soprano: Well how come he keeps saying you’re taking up space in school?
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
My obese friend in the UK just order a bunch of workout equipment.
He already feels hundreds of pounds lighter.
My 4-year-old got crumbs in his eye and started rubbing his eye. He said it didn't hurt much and I said "Oh, so it's just a little irritating?"
He said "No, it's eye-itating."
I was an uber driver for a bunch of pro wrestlers, they were so tired after their show they all just stacked on top of each other in my backseat
I guess I was the pile driver
I just found a whip, mask and some handcuffs in my sisters room.
I just had no idea she was a superhero.
My Dad just said this one in the drive-thru not 2 minutes ago
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
After a lecture, a theoretical physicist is asked, "Can you explain what you just said in plain English?"
To which he replied, "It's in the field of possibilities."
I just spent 3 hours vacuum up spiders in the basement
And this ungrateful woman has the nerve to tell me “that’s not what I meant when I said I want you to clean out my cobwebs”
My legs were just thrown in jail today...
I might’ve heard this wrong, but I think they committed feloknees?
Weird film trivia: I just found out that Thandie Newton's character from Mission: Impossible 2 was originally going to appear in Goldeneye, but her part was cut when they decided to film in Russia.
I just found out that “Lincoln” made about $300 million in movie theatres.
Which is weird. Lincoln usually doesn’t do too well in theatres.
I’m a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
So I caught a frog and a toad having a great time in my backyard just the other day.
They were playing a game of croquet.
Did you hear about the guy who bought an electric car and got in a wreck just after he left the dealership?
He turned over a new Leaf.
Me (in UK): officer, just enquiring, are you a fan of the music of Sting?
Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police
Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me
If you want to make easy money, just take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me
I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.
In Sweden the CEO of IKEA was just elected president.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Saying Tom Brady is the greatest football player in history isn’t just a hyperbole...
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