Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zthazel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My printer was making music so I checked it out

Turns out the paper was jamming

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoshi_hopps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Why is it illegal to do reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Did you hear about Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend breaking into an animal shelter and releasing a bunch of huskies into the wild??

Turns out it was The Who that let the dogs out

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Dane-No-Gain
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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From my daughter (so proud)

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryToHelpPeople
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I entered a house yesterday...

and one of the furniture was very nice to me. It turned out to be hospitable.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lunarlnd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My steak didn’t taste very good. At first I thought I over cooked it

But it turns out I didn’t make it in thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Hawk-2488
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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Fog

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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I thought I had found the best optometrist southwest of Alaska...

But it turned out it was an optical Aleutian.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alficles
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A darker one my 10 year old dropped on me... (possibly triggering)

She could see I was stressed out with work and she and I have a very dark sense of humour.

Hey Dad, you ok?

Yeah li'l beat just over worker and tired and stressed about the holidays.

"hey dad, lots of men struggle with mental health don't worry about it too much, Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain daughters turned out just fine."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogalporn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealerBrogan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Bought a home pregnancy test.

Turns out, my house is pregnant.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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This morning I turned up for a meeting for my premature ejaculators support group...

Turns out it’s tomorrow.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SR21-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I tried wild ox milk

Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadeTreeMechanix
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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John Travolta tested negative for covid last night.

turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iloveoldmonk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I use to be addicted to the hoke poky...

But then I turned myself around

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalfandHoff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I once met an astronaut who was claustrophobic..

Turns out he just needed a little space.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Why don’t you ever see normal houses at night?

Because they turn into warehouses

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I just got fired from my job as a taxy driver.

Turns out people don't like it when you go the extra mile for them.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/romeo_rocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I’m becoming addicted to the hokey pokey

But I’m turning myself around

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cvzmir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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I once turned around and saw a dead body in an unlit corridor

I’m sorry, that took a dark turn

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisvskris
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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My wife told me to take the spider out

I took him out, and he was a nice guy. Turns out he’s a web designer!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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How do you kill a BLUE elephant?

Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant? . . . . Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Binksamus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I always thought Ruby Tuesday was by the Beatles,

turns out it's by the Cinnabon.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/newfranksinatra
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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RIP Kev

This old bloke I know just passed away. He was well known in the community for his wood turning - bowls, furniture - you name it, he did it. So for the funeral, they decided to bury his prized lathe right there next to him.

It's a nice gesture - but I know he'd be turning in his grave if he knew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CpnCodpiece
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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Need Hella Puns

https://preview.redd.it/wa3s3ozxftc61.png?width=4500&format=png&auto=webp&s=04f10d36e95914e4d39ec2312ce5176a062911b1

Who thinks they're punny?! πŸ˜œβ €β €I sketched this Hellraiser holding a cactus and thought it'd make a cute Valentine's Day card. I'm in the process of colouring it and I want YOU to help me caption it.β €

I've asked the question on IG (@ashrobertsondesign) but didn't get a lot of feedback so I'm reaching out here. Gimme your best prick, point, hell, etc. related puns n make it about love πŸ”₯

I'll choose a favourite from the comments and turn it into a FREE Valentine's Day card printable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashtrobertson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AffectionateNot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Archeologists recently discovered Cleopatra’s tampons.

They turned out to be real period pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunBunChow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen

I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Why did tech support seduced the server which was broken down?

Because he must turn it on

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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What happens when you boil a funny bone?

It turns into a laughing stock

πŸ‘︎ 961
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScatteredPayback
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Now that I’m officially a dad I have my first good joke. Me and my wife are driving down the road and a bug splats the window.

I turn to her and say β€œI bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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What did Beethoven do when he got bad criticism?

He turned a deaf ear to them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zetafunction64
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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When a Jehovah's Witness dies....

Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Somebody said I looked like Micheal Jackson the other day

I turned to them and said, "so beat it"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wobbly_Skeleton
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood

Turns out it was a Type-O

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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When I was a kid my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted

Turns out identity theft is a crime

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peepeeperson111
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Fog

Found this gem on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out identity theft is a crime

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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