Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What bed time story is a favourite among all trees?

Little red riding wood

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bunion_ring
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
While you're making your decision, here are some pros and cons:

Pros: Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady

Cons: Al Capone, Frank Abagnale, Ted Bundy

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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If I told you I knew a convoluted joke about a golf club, a sheep, a stinging insect, a tree, and that scary clown movie...

Wood ewe bee leaf It?

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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How much wood could a wood chuck chuck?

If a wood chuck could Chuck Norris

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oasishippie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a tiny bell from a kitten’s collar, all the way up to the bell from the king’s royal bell tower.

When the king awoke one morning, the bell tower’s bell was missing. The king, being brave and noble, decided to follow the thief back to his lair. He chose four of his most loyal soldiers, mounted his horse, and rode off into the snowy woods, following the footprints left behind on the ground.

Soon, he and his soldiers arrived to a clearing in the woods. In front of them was a large, bell-shaped building. They found the thief’s lair!Pointing to the recent tracks left in the snow by the thief, the king announced to the soldiers,

β€œLook! The Fresh Prints to Bell Lair!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Never ask a tree for advice on whether or not you should do something.

They always reply by saying, "I wood".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know sheep can tie up trees?

But I wood knot do that if I were ewe.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transviolets
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTMOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The passing cannibal

Hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aw8nf8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work.

πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A hunter went out into the forest

He went into the woods during a deep fog and saw a figure, so he shot...

He mist.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asadleafsfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My carpentry teacher didn't come to class today.

I guess morning wood was canceled.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I couldn't decide whether I should bury or cremate my grandfather.

I decided to do both and put him in a wooden urn. After hearing what I did he wood urn in his grave.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say when he was invited to a party

"Sure I wood come"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?

iWood

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/derpy_ninetales
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Scandinavian Joke of the Day

Holger was sawing wood in his backyard when he was approached by a salesman who said, β€œYou know, you could be sawing twice as much wood if you got an electric saw.”

β€œDat may be so,” said Holger, β€œbut I don’t need twice as much wood.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/General_Hyde
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend from high school became an engineer or something.

He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.

One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.

So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"

He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."

A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.

He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."

I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.

He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two giraffes got into an argument

I saw them along the neck of the wooded area.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Wood Motorcycle

A man once built a bike all of wood. Wooden frame, wooden wheels, wooden motor, even wooden gas tank.

Did he ever ride it? No, because it wooden start!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/browserleet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Does anyone know who played frodo in Lord of the rings?

I bet Elijah wood know.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemesisprime1984
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I got kicked out of a funeral for having an erection

Jeez, can’t a guy have mourning wood?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruh-bruh_bruh
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a great deal online for a 'Replica Rolex' for only $50. I just opened the box and found it is completely made of wood...

To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked a tree if it’d tell me what it’s made of. It replied:

β€œYeah, I wood”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jspittman
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know it's not uncommon to get a boner at a funeral?

It's known as mourning wood

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinsy_Crow
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.

I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alarid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

πŸ‘︎ 456
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaolCroi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sad but horny tree?

Mourning Wood

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moomoocowninja
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Poor little bunny

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
While they might not look like it, trees love to be busy.

They wood hate to be board to death.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a Library...

A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
As part of my superstitious nature, I only insult buildings made of lumber.

I constantly knock on wood.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
WOOD yall give some wood puns

Wood

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pancake_Pollack
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Tree: Hey, Boulder, what do you think I should be when I grow up? Boulder: You would make a wonderful bedroom furniture set.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess what I saw?

wood.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZanderK8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you make a coffin out of?

Mourning wood.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cory-gang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.

It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Old ladies

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, β€œSometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, β€œYes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them β€œThat must be the door, I’ll get it!” Reply

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know if you're a necrophiliac?

You get mourning wood.

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report

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