Ive been reading this book called β€œThe A to Z of Northern Europe”, but it’s taking me ages...

Not sure I’ll ever get to the Finish

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamdecal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oak05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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It FINALLY happened.

Almost 40 and growing my beard out for the first time. Wife finally says "You know I'm starting to like it." And I could finally say "Yeah. It's growing on me."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1284X
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinit9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Misunderstanding on purpose

My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" πŸ™‚).

So every now and then this will happen:

Child : Can I get an app?

Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.

Child: no, an APP

Me: yes, lie DOWN

Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.

Me: or an early night?

Child: weary sigh

Me: you do look tired

  • thinking I'm the best joker in history*

That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.

The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_error101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I once swallowed a book of synonyms.

It’s gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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You know it's a great dadjoke when you say something and your family groans, but the stranger dad behind you laughs.

I was out looking at beds with the family.

Wife: "I really like this bed."

Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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I asked my grandpa, β€œHow are you enjoying the new stair lift?”

Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.

He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.

"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.

"Oh, This is Michelle"

This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkwrdgirl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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Proud dad moment happened today!

My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said β€œthat’s a nice car huh?” And he replies β€œwhat car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BakedDoeBoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....

And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans

A student told me that today!

Also, thank you to this community! I get a lot of great material for my Joke of the Day and it has helped me connect with my students through distance learning.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khalizziebeth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"

Me: It's an olfactory response.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LateralAxes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Pun needed

Hey guys! I am getitng a puppy in a few months and her name is supposed to be Zoe. However since she is pure golden retriever because of some laws her full name has to to be β€œGive me your β€˜name’” and I want it to be some kind of pun containing the word β€œZoe” since that what she’s gonna be called like Zoedorable but something that matches the sentence and I though that maybe you guys can help.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeDotOu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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A jar?

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomer2160
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I never thought the sun really goes around the earth

And then it dawned on me

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit β€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me β€” I’ve never been one to split hares

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtvan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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I was walking with my son the other day...

He picked up an acorn and asked me what it was. I told him it was a tree. He said really? I said, well in a nutshell yes.

πŸ‘︎ 861
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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My wife saw me drinking from a Halloween skull the other day

Wife: who’s skull is that

Me: a man named Phillip

Wife: what’s in it?

Me: vodka and orange juice.

Wife: .......

Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_eat_unwiped_ass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Boss: I find it highly suspicious that you are always sick on weekdays.

Me: It must be my weekend immune system.

πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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I used to hate facial hair

But then it grew on me

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkqwerty1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Help me out: need some rockstar/music themed food puns for my 3 year old’s birthday party!

Having a small party for my guitar and music obsessed soon-to-be 3 year old. Wanted to put some signs next to the food to make it more on-theme. We’ll be serving:

Chicken nuggets PB&Js (in the shape of guitars) Veggie tray Fruit tray Water & juice

I’m struggling to think of stuff. So far I only have Nirvana Nuggets (which I realize isn’t even a pun) and PB&J Richie Samboraches. Lame, I know πŸ˜‚ Help me out if you can think of any more!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.

The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.

πŸ‘︎ 692
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prpeach
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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My oldest son just came in...

...and asked me, "Mom, how well can you hold your beer?"

"I don't like beer."

"Ok, your drink, then."

"Pretty damn well, better than you for sure."

"What if your glass was slippery?"

Ugh... he's only 15 and ready to be a dad, it seems. I threw my box of tissues at him.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrailMomKat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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What bug bites you in the butt?

A Bum-ble Bee.

This is my kids joke and here is the backstory:

My kid ran outside butt naked.

My wife ran after him and said "Get back inside before a bug bites you in the butt"

And my kid turned and said "would that make it a Bum-ble Bee?"

I just wanted to share it because it made me laugh too much.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KavemanKris
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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I'm no fan of Indian food

To me, it's a naan starter....

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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My son and I were talking at lunch today...

This happened today and my son hated it, but it got a great laugh from my wife.

We were talking at lunch today and I asked my son how he felt being taller than his dad now. He said "I don't know". Just like a teenager would.

I told him in full dad joke mode that I was afraid he would be looking down on me now. He then said if you feel that way I will get you a step ladder. I said "that would work but then I would be your step dad!"

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upcarrotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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I went to an open-air cafe yesterday and it rained.

It took me four hours to eat my soup.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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"Hey dad, I'm trans"

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niskara
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Son: Daddy I can't sleep

Me: Don't worry son, I'll sing you a lullaby.

Me: Hush little baby, don't say a word.

Me: And never mind that noise you heard.

Me: It's just the beasts, under your bed.

Me: In your closet, IN YOUR HEEEEEEAAAAD!

Me: EXIIIITTT LIIIIGGGHHHT!!!! ...... EEENNTTTERRRR NIIIIGGGHHT!!!

taken from dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bmantis311
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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What did the homophobic father say to the deliverer of his child?

β€œGive it to me straight, doc.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LthlPnc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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My son told me he wanted to be a mime when he grows up. I told him absolutely not.

It's not like he can talk back to me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overachievingogre
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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The other day I asked my dad why he chose window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YayGettel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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restaurant groaner

Any time a restaurant server asks me "how did you find your meal?", I reply, "I looked on the table and there it was."

My Wife hates me.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saskatoonbaldguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing

I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!

I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...

"Heinz-sight is 20/20"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.

As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.

They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.

One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:

"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"

She looked at him surprised and said:

"Well, you caught my eye."

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."

She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".

I told her because it's two almonds.

You might even say.....

Almond Brothers.

(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seannj222
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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I stood in the park wondering why a frisbee gets larger when it gets closer

Then it hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/willem640
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I can’t stand my daughter’s 🐍.

It really hisses me off.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wardsmith_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Joke exchange with my dad

This may fit better in r/unclejokes but seeing how this line was from my dad, I wanted to put it here.

Me: I told a friend that I was having some trouble in the bedroom and he suggested talking to my doctor about Viagra. I don't know how that's supposed to help me put a wardrobe together.

My dad: Might actually make it harder.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSabrewulf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Sometimes I use big words I don’t fully understand.

It makes me sound more photosynthesis.

πŸ‘︎ 280
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...

but it does give me paws.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I asked my gran, "How are you enjoying the stairlift ?"

She said, "I hate it. It's driving me up the wall."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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