Introducing Me Puns

Person 2: Its the least I can do

It was a forward four word foreword for Word.

My folks own a bar with a banquet area and Louie Anderson is performing tonight. My Dad is going to open the show with one joke that he is really excited about.

Picture him standing at the mic in a empty banquet hall, I'm standing in the middle of the room as he is "testing" the joke on me.

"A termite walks into a bar, looks around and asks "Where's the bar tender?""

...

I'm going to try and get this on video tonight.

These are my children from my first marriage. (He is still married to my mom, his first wife)

because they lighten me up

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"

Teacher: Roman Catholic or Eastern Orthodox?

I told her sure but some of it is Garbage.

“I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith..”

“Really, what’s the name of his other leg?”

She tells both lines and laughs loudly saying “that’s funny Daddy”...

Love it.

I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as “the lesser of two evils.”

"Niece to meet you.", I said.

He's very Igor to meet you!

I thought it tasted a little funny, and wanted to return it. My friend assured me that would be naan issue.

Meet pattie

let me introduce you to my burger... *drumroll*

Meet patty

No, would you care to introduce me?

I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves.

Me: "So, how did you end up in the south?"

Dad: "We drove."

Me: "No, I mean what brought you down here?"

Straight-faced dad: "The car."

Introducing my first girlfriend to the grandparents.

Me: "Grandpa, this is my girlfriend Amy." Grandpa: "Nice to meet you Amy." (to me) "I don't know what you were talking about. She is very pretty!" Me: jaw drops

one day, an alien appliance company named "Closen" decided to create a new and improved counter. Their plan was to create a slogan for it like "so good, even the humans like it!". But, they did need a human opinion. So, they abducted a human from Earth and introduced it to him.

"What do you think?" they translate to him. He shakes his head.

"Not for me, really".

Defeated, the aliens send him back down to Earth. As he reappears, many people surround him.

"Oh my goodness, are you ok? what happened?" They all screamed. He smiled, reassuring them.

"It's alright, it was just a Closen counter"

Me: How did the butcher introduce his wife? Me: Meet Pattie! Dad: Meat my wife Dad: She's a cut above the rest

Here's a link to the text convo:

http://imgur.com/GU30U1Q

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

My mum and dad had separated by this point and he was picking me up from the town centre where I was with a girl I was seeing, named Jenni. After introducing herself my father paused for a second, let out a slight smirk and replied "What, from the block?" slapped his thigh and let out a hearty dad-chuckle.

I started my internship today at an environmental consulting firm. My boss was introducing me to a colleague.

Boss: "This is Ellie-okay, he's the summer intern and he's studying civil engineering."

Colleague: "I can tell, he's very polite."

All the guys around his cubicle groaned while the three of us let out a big laugh. I think I'm gonna like working here.

Dad: "Do you know what?"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Huh, I thought I introduced him to you"

When my dad and I were dropping my sister off at brownie camp a few weeks ago, several of the adults came over to us to say hello. They introduced themselves as Snowy Owl, Tawny Owl, and Barn Owl. My dad chirps in with "So is that the pecking order then?" and elbows me in the ribs, cackling away.

Jimmy Kimmel: "Let me introduce a former Pro Wrestler who is now one of the highest paid actors in America... The Rock"

Girlfriend: "Oh I love The Rock! Who doesn't love the Rock?!"

Me: "The Scissors..."

Girlfriend: -_- "I hate you."

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.

On mobile sorry if errors. Context: I work in a bar. We hired a new girl, she came in right before it got busy. After two hours worked working together..

Me: "Sorry I didn't get a chance to properly introduce myself. I'm Max by the way....but that's not my real last nMe"

Her:"Hi, I'm Gabbi, wait, what?"

Me:"nevermind"

It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."

She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.

I was at my ex-girlfriend's grandfather's funeral just kind of standing on the side of the room. her sister's husband walked over to me and introduced me to his father. I noticed that his tie had whales and dolphins on it and he said it was his favorite tie. I learned over to my ex and said "at least he wears that tie with a porpoise."

(needless to say, she didn't speak to me for a while)

They introduced new bacon into Subway here.... It's bigger and thicker, thus you get two slices instead of four like it used to be.

I tried making conversation with the (cute) girl serving me, and this is how it went:

Me: "Is that new bacon?"

Her: "Yeah it's new short cut bacon... it's supposed to be better for you"

Me: "Is it a shortcut in the sense that you only need to put on two slices instead of four?"

She went red and laughed pretty hard.

So I'm at a friend's house and his parents are there. He introduces me and then his dad takes over.

-- Hi just_another_juan I'm Luis, and this is my wife. Most people call her Veronica but I usually call her on the phone.

EDIT: Grammar; extra word.

As a fellow ginger she came to me today and introduced herself. Not feeling so well. I politely declined her handshake. Explained that the stomach bug had gotten me. She proceeded to say it was nice to meet a fellow ginger, and followed with "you should drink some ginger tea to help with your stomach."

To which I replied, "Can't. That would be cannibalism."

Took her a second. Then a guffaw.

When I was about 15, I asked my parents if I could see "The Matrix." At that time, if I asked to see an R-rated movie, the rule was we waited till it came to video (yes, at the time it was videotapes) and my parents would watch it first without me to decide if they were comfortable with me watching it.

They watched it, and the next day, my dad asked me what I thought The Matrix was- I said it was some kind of group of cops or something that could do cool aerial fighting moves.

He said, "Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is... You have to see it for yourself."

For those who are unfamiliar, this is exactly the line used by one of the main characters when he introduces the concept of The Matrix.

No one? Just me? I thought it was funny. Oh well.

(I apologize in advance for my poor wording, and do hope that y'all enjoy the joke. I did.)

He introduces himself, saying "My name is Crime." I thought I heard him incorrectly, so I just said "oh, cool" as I always do when I don't hear what someone says. As I finish ringing him up, I tell him that his total is blahblahblah it doesn't matter. He then looks at me and says "Crime never pays" before walking towards the exit.

The other day I introduced my friend to reddit. Somehow we got on the topic of 4chan and I said:

Me: "Enjoy reddit, but don't go to the dark place of 4chan."

Friend: "I'll guess I'll start out with the safer version, 2chan."

Me: -_-

So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack." The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away

Dad: "My first degree was engineering."

Me: "Why didn't you go through with it?"

Dad: "I got to the first class and introduced myself to the teacher. I asked him when we'd be driving trains. I was thinking about a different kind of engineering.

Me: The units in this problem aren't working out!

Her: Maybe they shouldn't be together. You should introduce them to different people.

I was at church with my father who is the pastor, so lots of people come up to him weekly. I went to go say hi to him after church, and an older lady by the name of Bertha comes up to us and introduces herself. After I tell her my name, she asks me if I play football. I shake my head and give her a puzzled look and she says, "oh well you have a strong looking body". Of course I get rather excited about this and say, "dad did you hear that, she thinks I play football?" He responds with, "son, we've been praying for Ms. Bertha's eyesight for a long time now"

I teach history, I want to introduce new technology used in WWI (specifically trench warfare) so I ask "why did both sides suffer such great casualties?"

My student: because they skipped all the formalities

Me:.... internally groans

When I was 4 or 5 my family went on vacation. I took my favourite teddy bear, Blue Ted. I unfortunately left Blue Ted at the hotel or somewhere in the town we were staying at. My father when we got home brought me a new bear and called it Roo Ted. (Rooted meaning screwed or fucked in Australia) I did not catch on to the joke for many years and introduced my bear as rooted to everyone I met. My father to this day thinks this is the most hilarious joke/prank he has ever made.

When I was a child, I grew up in a coke house. I guess I can see the appeal in it. I tried it a few times and had a good time, but then one day a friend of mine introduced me to a new product. From that point on I knew I was a Pepsi guy.