A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...

... and as you can see, they were Wright

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his own incision?

Suture self πŸ€·β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotallyUnassuming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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TIL: In spite of Covid, all African countries are insisting that customers should sit in a restaurant and eat dinner.

Except Togo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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My lazy son insisted that I buy him a pair of $200 sneakers.

But I bought him loafers instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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My programmer husband insists he has to be the one to change the channel

He has a lot experience working remote

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iceberger3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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What do you call someone who insists on being called Nicholas?

A refuse-nik!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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My female cat just got fixed, but the vet insisted on referring to it as "feline ovarian removal".

Look, sometimes you have to call a spayed a spayed.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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The other day I met a whale who insists he’s the most honest mammal in the world.

But I don’t know... I still say there’s something fishy about him.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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I went to the museum and saw a painting of a criminal, who claimed his innocence and insisted the police planted evidence.

The frame was remarkable

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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My wife keeps insisting that I should warm up before I start exercising.

Sounds like a stretch to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Why does the military insist on wearing a uniform?

To minimise casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/severus_snape9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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My wife asked me why I insist on measuring our bookshelf when I get home from a night of drinking.

How else am I going to keep my stories straight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimusJosh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.

He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.

It's just Cole's law.

(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthur_nemosnax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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My wife insisted that I read β€œPride and Prejudice”, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

πŸ‘︎ 428
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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The doctor insisted I take a milk bath, so I asked her if it need to be pasteurized...

She said no, just above the knees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spanky2222
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...

He really keeps me on my toes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Why did the Egyptian man wrongfully insist that he was still on land?

He was in de-nile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LooseMonty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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My parents would always feed me alphabet soup when I was younger and they’d insist that I liked it

But I didn’t! All they were doing was putting words in my mouth!

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onemangang15
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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My wife insists that I go with her whenever she shops for igneous rock containing quartz and feldspar.

Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A

I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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Today I insisted that my son had a hole in his shoe. He didn't believe me and kept looking and looking, took it off and inspect it. He yelled "There is no hole in there at all!"

So I yelled back "Then how did your foot get in there!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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My daughter insists she is becoming a Southern Belle.

I told her she is my favorite ding-dong.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpazMasterK
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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My friend keeps insisting that I should always warm up before I start exercising.

I think that’s a stretch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Why did the safety manager insist that a big pile of LSD be removed immediately from the factory floor?

He felt it was a real tripping hazard.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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So me and Eddie Vedder go camping, but he insists on building the fire

He says β€œMy campfires are better, man.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.

But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia

πŸ‘︎ 312
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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My boss insists on face to face communication.

But my only way to work is broken down, and I just can't bring myself to tell him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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My girlfriend needed a blood transfusion. Life or death ya know? But her parents and I could not remember her blood type. As she lay dying on her gurney, she kept insisting β€œbe positive, be positive,”

But sometimes, it’s really hard without her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoeJascoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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My wife got mad at me for insisting we hire a male masseuse.

She called me a massage-anist.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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Went on a trek on time..

Down south in the backwoods. Along my way I met a friendly family that took me in for the night. Despite being impoverished they insisted that I stay the night and have dinner.

When we had dinner it seemed they were serving a kind of stew. Quite aromatic. I asked them what it was and the reply I got was β€œIt’s Ma’s Soup Y’all.” I shrugged my shoulders and started to eat. The food was good of course but the meat was quite gamey. So I asked what type of meat it was?

β€˜Possum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Even though I insisted there was no need for repatriation, my neighbour has just brought round a root vegetable in exchange for the reading material I gave them.

So thats a turnip for the books.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Chocolate ice cream

Working at an ice cream parlor there was a customer that insisted I serve him chocolate ice cream even though we were out of it. He just wouldn’t give up. So I said β€œlet’s play a game”. How many β€œvans” are in vanilla ice cream? -he said β€œone”(correct) So how many β€œstraws” are in strawberry ice cream? He said β€œone” again (correct) So then how many β€œ F’s” are in chocolate ice cream? He said there is no β€œF” in chocolate ice cream - I said β€œExactly- THERE IS NO F IN CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hujiadadi01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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I keep getting funny looks when i insist on playing the first level in spanish.

Nobody expects the spanish intro mission

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flowt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Every time I visit my friend, he insists that we only listen to electronic dance music.

He wouldn’t techno for an answer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife insists that she deserves an extra present this Mothers' day since she is the mum of our pet dog.

What a bitch.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinsilprincess
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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Everyone insisted it isn't possible.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FLUXXIX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Why does the Sun insist on going down at the end of the day?

It's set in its ways

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My Doctor wrote a recommendation for dailysex

But my wife insists that he wrote Dyslexia

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 313
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matrose9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report

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