Person: Please stop putting African Countries in puns its really annoying!
[Meta] Don't half ass a pun, Go in puns blazing (resubmit)
So do you call person who's really good in pun as pun master?
Or a pundit? I think I spun it incorrectly.
The Ice Chest
First post in puns. Said this awesome thing, wanted to share.
We were in Chemistry class, a notoriously freezing room.
I said "man, it feels like your ice chest in here!"
She said "my ice chest?"
I said "yeah, you have a nice chest!"
And she looked at me like I just said a terrible pun.
In reality the pun was awesome.
In other news, Bill Nye’s daughter, Dee, came out as a Flat Earther and Anti-Vaxxer, and is starting a new organization to support the movements.
The Dee Nye Science Foundation.
I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day' But when we walked in the office she started to cry.
As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with.”
This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle.
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
I hurt my knee slipping on ice in front of the police station.
I went inside to complain but they charged me with a felony (fell-on-knee)
My 6 year old couldn't sleep. So I told her that there are cows sleeping in a field. She asked me what that had to do with anything.
I told her because it's pasture bedtime.
Why could you never starve to death in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there
There are 30 cows in a field. 28 chickens. How many didn't?
I'll let you figure out the riddle.
Edit: For those who mentioned it, yes, I realize it works better in speech
It's pretty obvious that if you run in front of a moving car you will get tired, but if you run behind it..
do you just get exhausted...?
What do you call Andrew Tate in prison?
What's the most depressed state in the USA?
My great grandmother lay dying in the hospital (I was born after she died) and no one knew if she was dead or just asleep, so someone said, "Feel her feet. No one ever died with warm feet."
My great grandmother opened her eyes and said, "Joan of Arc did." And those were her last words. She died a few minutes later.
That's a true story.
At weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park..
But it's becoming increasingly harder to find exactly 32 of them..
I left my front door open yesterday and my Roomba went right outside and I haven't seen it since. I'm afraid that it's going to die out there in the wild.
You know, because Nature Abhors a Vacuum.
There were clucking sounds coming from our hen house today, but the last chicken died in there two summers ago
I think that it's a poultrygeist.
Today I found out that Dwayne Johnson lives in the apartment above mine.
For years I've been living under a Rock.
Every country on earth sent a runner to compete in a race. Who won?
I'm in the Navy and just became a dad, so requesting your best Nautical themed dad jokes!
My personal favorite so far:
What does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Runner up:
Why do pirates struggle with the alphabet?
They get lost at C!
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder
My great grandfather took down the most Nazi planes in all of the Second World War...
He was the worst mechanic in the entire German Airforce.
Teacher: Daniel, if you had $5 in one pocket and $20 in the other, what would you have?
Daniel: Somebody else's pants.
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats buoyant
Just asked the woman in Barnes and Noble if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.
She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’
I said no, that’s his uncle.
What do you call people who sleep in their socks?
If you’re American when you go into the restroom, and Asian when you get out of the restroom, what are you when you’re in the restroom?
How do you say “Constipation” in German?
[Real joke from real dad] I'm in the hospital on a liquid only diet for a long time, and my dad sends me: You know who else is on a liquid only diet?
Vampires! And for their whole life!
10/10 dad, my guy has reached peak fatherhood with that.
Y'all can join in the pun making if you want.
I like to draw lame jokes/puns an the old chalkboard in my kitchen. Thought you folks might appreciate it.
What's worse than ants in your pants?
Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from going into your eyes but whenever I have something in my eye it's always an eyelash
What do you call a man with no arms, and no legs, in a pile of leaves?
A man loses three fingers in a work accident. He goes to the Emergency room and asks the doctor... "Will I be able to drive with this hand?". The doctor replies...
"Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."
I've always been told in life to give everything 100%
I'm a bit scared for my blood donation this afternoon though.
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said: “You have a wee cough?”
Me: ok boss I'll take a week off.
When your breakfast is organized by Blake Edwards in 1961
I have a confession. I'm in this sub but I'm not actually a dad.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to infiltrate your space. But I have to get this off my chest.
I'm a faux pa.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ
Or, as it's also known, R gone
In memory of my dad, Two peanuts were walking down the road...
One was assaulted.
His favorite joke and god I missed his thanksgiving dinner yesterday.
I have a law joke but it's still pending in the Congress.
I swapped the "M" and "N" keys on all the keyboards in the office.
Yes.
I'n am absolute nomster.
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