In Silence Puns

I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."

If you think long enough about it

There was no racquet.

Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.

Me: Really are you okay?

Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.

Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?

Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.

Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!

XD

(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"

She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

“What are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”

I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

Talk about having to suffer in silence

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

The family is driving down the highway, coming home from dinner. We pass road signs near the exit, one titled: "ADULT SUPERSTORE"

After a brief moment of silence, my dad says casually, "Going to keep driving, we've got enough adults in the car with the 4 of us in here."

I'm still chuckling today.

Mum: Wash your hands

Child: Ok Mum (starts to sing very loudly)

Mum: ....in silence!

Child: Don’t be silly Mum....we wash our hands in the sink!

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.

We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.

Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.

So I'm near our kitchen (but not in it), and my dad is in there by himself. In the middle of the silence I just hear him say "Tupperware? Tupperhere!" And just start giggling to himself. Amazing how they do it even when they're alone... Edit: Thank you so much for the gold!

He frowned a little.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"I don't understand. Explain?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

He sighed loudly.

"Are you crazy, dad?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked.

"Anything these days," I said.

"Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked.

There was a pause.

"Anything these days," I continued.

At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!"

There was a silence.

"This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."

I replied, “Because it’s the polite thing to do.”

There was a tense silence in the car for the next few miles.

The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.

The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.

Juice twice had finally been served.

So last night, i proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years. We went to go watch Boyz ii Men out here in Las Vegas. I had purchased the meet and greet package to which the entire show staff and Boyz ii Men were completely aware about what I was about to do.

After I had popped the question, there was silence, Wanya turns over to my girlfriend, and says, "You can say, he's On Bended Knee." I heard my girlfriend silently groan under her breath, before she said YES!

I'm notorious for puns in our relationship, so after he came through with that punchline, she knew that they were in on it too. What an honorable night for a dadjoke!

Photos of the moment here!

http://imgur.com/a/pIO0h

My grandmother was cremated and we were having a service to pay our respects. I was scared and didn't want to go up to the altar alone so my dad went with me.

We stood there, side by side, and stared in reverent silence at the small simple wooden box which was holding my grandmother's ashes. After a minute or so passed my father bowed slightly, leaning in with what I assumed would be words of wisdom and said, "your grandmother was a lot smaller than I remember."

I had to fight just not to bust out laughing in a room full of mourners.

I was told to cross post this here from an askreddit thread yesterday

Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) "She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancé, they've been together for a long time now."

Me: "Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture."

Not even a groan, just silence and an eye roll

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

They stare at the image in silence for 8 hours.

One vet finally says, "Should we talk about the elephant in the womb?"

So, short version of a long story... We lost our home in the Paradise, CA Camp Fire Nov 8, 2018. My wife was on the phone with our daughter who is in college, discussing new bedding for the new house.

They had been at it for quite a while, when I said, "Duvet have anything you like? It would be a sham if they didn't..."

Silence on the phone, then, "dad, just stop."

"Ok," I said, "Just get everything down that you like."

Sigh....

One of my better moments as a dad!

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

And a guy ordered a medium rare sirloin for lunch. Once everyone got their food, I gave them a few minutes to dig in, and then went to check how they all were doing. Here's how it went.

Me: Hi guys, is everyone still doing well over here? (Pause to turn to the guy with the steak)...Or should I say medium rare ehh?? finger guns and chuckles

Guys: silence. Complete silence

Me: cracks up at my own stupid joke and walks away with no shame, leaving them in awe of my greatness

The quiet people suffered in silence.

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me “you wanna hear a joke?” Me “ah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad “did you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, “are you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says “No, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

I was being a brat, so my step-dad said

"I think he's on his period."

I reply

"no, I'm actually on my comma."

To which my mom chimes in

"I'm so confused..."

Moment of silence... My step dad looks at her...

"hi very confused. I'm dad."

Many fistbumps between him and me.

(sorry for formatting, on mobile.)

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

My dad and I were watching tv one night and the screen suddenly goes black. After watching the blank screen for a good 10 seconds, he finally breaks the silence by saying "If anyone were to peer in at us right now, they'd think we're insane."

To annoy a female housemate we were flicking bits of sweetcorn at her hair. In response, she escalated the game and threw an orange into my face.

The only way i got through the ordeal was because of what another of my housemates said next. After a long silence, as im holding my face he says "..hell hath no fury like a woman corned".

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.

The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.

"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.

The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.

Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.

"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.

"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.

The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.

"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."

After a a solid few minutes of silence my dad comes out of nowhere with this:

Him: "I'd love to live in Switzerland."

Me: "Really? Why?"

Him: "Yeah! The chocolate, the cheese....Oh and the flag's a big plus!"

I told my wife about a recent story in /r/TalesFromTechSupport about a late-night alarm going off at work. She told me that at one of her previous employers, a turkey had flown through a window.

Her: I knew about it because I worked for the general counsel and she had to know about it.
Me: In case the turkey tried to sue?
Her: In case it was fowl play.

You may also enjoy A Previous Dialogue with My Wife

Allegedly, this happened a generation or two back in my family:

After having given birth to her first child, a far out aunt of mine was asked by a younger girl if it didn't hurt to push out a baby. Her husband broke into the conversation saying "No, of course not! If I could get seven pounds into her, then of course she could push seven pounds out!"

And there we sat, the entire family, in total awkward silence...

I'm a massage therapist in a spa. While working with a client, she mentioned she plays violin, works out regularly, and runs a successful business. Then:

Client: "I also like to do a lot of gardening."

Me: "Seems like you've got your hands in quite a few pots!"

She agreed then continued about how she enjoyed gardening. She finished speaking, then after 5 minutes of silence she yells, "HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I just got your joke about the pots!"

Best response to a dadjoke I've ever gotten.

Husband- where's the spoon for the cantaloupe?

Me- I used it in the corn.

Husband- WTF you just corn-taminated my cantaloupe spoon. (Laughter ensues)

Me- silence and an eye roll.

Me: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

dad: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Me: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Dad: What is a vowel?

Me: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Dad: Close enough.

Last week, I took my friends to my parents house at the beach for a couple days for fun vacation times. One of my friends bought a box of cheerwine krispy kreme doughnuts, but one of the tasty morsels mysteriously disappeared in the night. The day after, we discussed the culprit options. One person said "maybe it was your dad," another said "maybe it was your mom," and I said "or maybe it was one of us.." A couple seconds of silence passed, then I had the biggest pun eureka moment in which I excitedly chortled, "Man, this is a real WHODOUGHNUT!!!"

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.

We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.

Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. ‘My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, ‘Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, ‘Ok, now what?’”

Here is the article to back it up: http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science

Insert Mic Drop