Immediate Family Puns

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.

“Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”

My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?”

My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?”

My journey to the dark side has been complete.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

and he loved the food so much that he uprooted his family and moved there immediately. He was in such a rush to move that he sold his house, his cars, and a lot of his belongings at a fraction of their actual value. When asked why he felt such urgency to move there, he said "I did it all for the gnocchi"

A family of morons go for a walk. They come to a rickety looking bridge. The daddy moron says to the mommy moron and the little moron, "I'll go first to make sure it's safe." He starts to walk across, but almost immediately falls off. The mommy moron, seeing her husband fall off, runs to the bridge, crying. As soon as she gets on the bridge, she also immediately falls off. The little moron, not realizing the danger, walks right up to the bridge, and calmly crosses the bridge with no incident. Why didn't he fall off?

Because he was a little moron the bridge.

My family and I attended a dinner this evening with my sister's housemates and all of their families - the first time everyone was meeting. As we all browse the menu someone makes the comment that that they didn't like the duck at this restaurant and my father immediately had to chime in.

Dad: You're completely right, it's not all its quacked up to be.

Thanks Dad.

We went out to eat at Olive Garden and there was a large mirror on the wall next to our table.

My dad immediately says "That family in the other room looks an awful lot like us..."

What a dad.

So I work in a gift shop and a major portioin of our merchandise is dedicated to a large display of stuffed animals of varying sizes. Mostly everyone that comes in spends some time looking at them all but I got a special treat with this family today.

The parents and their two kids come in after supper time to look around. The daughters are looking at all the stuffed animals as the dad comes over. Dad immediately grabs the largest stuffed owl we have and holds it out towards his two daughters and wife and asks "WHOOOOOO is this??"

There was a collective sigh from the shop as the father and I crack up laughing. The best part was the stuffed bird's actual name.

Owliver.

Okay so this one may not be too special, but I thought it was hilarious. My nephew has a slight speech impediment which made it all the better.

I was visiting my brother and his family over the weekend. I decided to take the kids to the store so I yelled down the hall for my nephew (7 years old and sitting in his gitch) to get dressed. My niece who was also in the room said "I am dressed". Immediately after I heard this tiny little giggle followed by "hi dressed, I'm Isaac".

No one taught him this. All natural. The father is strong in this one.

My sister and I share an office working in the family business. This morning she turned to me and said, "Did you hear that Wisconsin got a new slogan for their license plates?"

"They did?" I say, as I immediately bring up Google and start looking up Wisconsin license plates.

"Yeah," She says with a grin. "It's 'Come smell our dairy air.'"

This was followed by lots of laughing and immediately calling family to share this new, glorious joke.

The other day I witnessed the first ever dad joke to come out of my dad's mouth. He is 66.

Conversing about dental work:

Dad: "They keep telling me to get my wisdom teeth removed. I am 66."

Me: "Yeah, seems a little late for that."

Dad: "I never got wisdom teeth on this side, but I have them over here, which is probably why I am half stupid..."

I laughed immediately. It took the rest of the family a little longer to notice the dad joke.

I was a young teenager, hanging out with my cousins at a family wedding. We were dressed in our finest: button-down shirts and ties (a rare thing for some of us). It was the middle of the photo shoot, so we had to wait around for our turn.

My uncle sees us, bored out of our minds, and asks if we wanted to have a "tie race." Seeing our puzzled expressions, he demonstrated by rolling up his tie from the bottom to the top like a cinnamon roll.

We got the idea immediately, rolling up our ties as well. Everyone had their own strategy: some rolled theirs tighter, others looser. Some rolled up the tail, others didn't. Some had clip-ons.

On the count of three, we released our ties to see whose unrolled the fastest. We all looked around, trying to decide who actually won the race, when my uncle declared:

It's a tie!

My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.

In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"

I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.

I don't mind when I get these looks amongst close friends and family, but man, does it burn when it's from someone you don't know. I feel like I'm in the extreme minority that would actually laugh out loud if someone I'd just met/didn't know pulled one of these dadjokes in public. I feel like I'd immediately befriend that person, but my experience so far has been looks where it seems people just go, "Yeah... definitely not talking to that guy."

A family friend had passed away and my Dad and I were at the wake.

Dad: Let me know if you need to borrow a shirt, a tie, or a suit for the funeral on Friday.

Me: Eh, no that's OK, thank you though, I have a few of my own.

Dad: Alright, well then...suit yourself.

Everyone standing around laughed and the mood was immediately lightened.
Way to go Pops.

My family was sitting around the table eating lunch and talking about how it's almost impossible to have true vacation time anymore. My grandma chucks in, "Your time is valuable." My dad immediately replies:

"Thyme is actually pretty inexpensive. Saffron, on the other hand, is quite valuable."

I love my dad.

So, I was sitting in the family room with my girlfriend's family. She just got a new kitten today, so we're all pretty excited.

She just experienced a little running around spell before settling underneath a table.

When I asked what she was doing, my girlfriend chimed in with: "I think she had the runs!"

She immediately followed this up with asking everyone if we'd heard her joke and laughing aloud about it.

I'm pretty proud, despite the groans.

So our family was taking out fruit to eat, when my mom asks, "Anyone want a pear?" To which my dad immediately replies, "Me, but I don't want a pair, only one." Cue collective groaning from the 3 other family members in the room, and a big grin on my dad's face.

The the whole family (my mom, dad, and two sisters) are sitting in the living room and my mom asked me to pick up some ingredients from the grocery store. She starts listing them out loud, "I'll need heavy cream, eggs, milk-"

At which point I interrupt to ask what size eggs she needs (i.e. AA etc.) and she responds "It doesn't matter just make sure they're large - oh and cage free"

My dad immediately came back, "Cage-fee? What are you worried about - that the cake will get away?"

My dad immediately does his troll grin and my mother looks at him with a years practiced look of "how did you ever trick me into marrying you"

Naturally this was followed by my nine year old sisters falling apart into giggles, and eventually me too. My mother looks at us like she's thinking to herself "They must have switched all three of my babies at the hospital" before looking up at the ceiling and saying, "I guess I'll write a list..."

My family was all eating spaghetti around the kitchen table one night when my Dad just started chuckling out of nowhere, spaghetti sauce falling down his shirt. His laughs quickly got louder and more food began to fall out of his mouth. Everyone immediately knew what was up.

"So...haha, so what do you get when you cross a cat with some fireworks?"

We blankly stare back. "What?"

"Kitty Kitty Bang Bang!"

He then just stared at us all laughing, tears in his eyes. My mom got up and left the room.

We were riding in the car on our way to Atlantic City, New Jersey. Things were surprisingly calm for my family of five. Kids in the back, parents up front. Randomly, my sister asks my brother if he still has Lyme disease. He caught it two summers ago when we lived in an area with many ticks. My brother replies, "no, not anymore". Then my dad turns to face us from the passenger seat: "Yeah, it turned into Lemon disease". I chuckled because I immediately was reminded of this subreddit but my brother wasn't as amused. "Not even a little fucking funny".

So I was at a hotel recently for a wedding. It just so happened that the hotel was also hosting a DECA (high school business/entrepreneurship extra-curricular) conference while we were there. My family got into an elevator with a few of the participants, and immediately, my dad turned to them and asked, "So do you have an elevator pitch?" I've never felt such an immaculate combination of pride and embarrassment.