Author note: The Cryopod to Hell is a Reddit-exclusive story with over three years of editing and refining. As of this post, the total rewrite is 1,379,000+ words long! For more information, check out the link below:
Join the Cryoverse Discord server!
Here's a list of all Cryopod's chapters, along with an ePub/Mobi/PDF version!
Want to stay up to date on TCTH? Subscribe to Cryopodbot!
...................................
(Part 001)
...
Dozens of troopers rush to Cassiel's residence. They swarm around the exterior and sweep the perimeter, but nobody finds any indication of the Emperor of Chaos's presence. As if having stepped through time and space, he vanishes, never appearing on anyone's sensors.
Phoebe holds Cassiel in her arms while the angel quietly shakes and trembles, too petrified to move a muscle. Phoebe hastily cleans up the disgusting saliva left on her face, all while rage-filled thoughts boil in her mind.
"I won't leave you. Don't worry, I'm here for you, Cassiel. Just stay calm, take deep breaths..."
As Phoebe consoles the broken woman, Jason storms outside and grabs the nearest trooper.
"Well?! Where is he?! Don't give me that shit! You find that cocksucker! Shut down the portal and trap the motherfucker here! I'll kill him myself if I have to!"
The Wordsmith exhales so hard that his nostrils flare up and his eyes turn bloodshot. Even as the trooper stammers out several apologies, Jason continues ranting.
"How did he get here unseen, anyway?! I fully upgraded and reinforced the Core's security and scanning protocols to ensure this wouldn't happen! What, did he fall out of the fucking sky?!"
"I-I'm sorry, sir," The troopers says. "We don't know how Gressil made it past our barriers. Since he can use illusion magic, and he has some sort of teleporting ability, we think he might have-"
"I don't want you to goddamn think about what he did, I want you to make sure this doesn't
... keep reading on reddit ➡Cover Thoughts: Cool, but maybe we’re going a little overboard with the ninja action, especially with them all using weapons while jumping out of the helicopter.
Title: Probe and Feint!
Synopsis: The Joes do some recon on the Cobra army while inserting a ninja team. The SAW-Viper becomes a Cobra celebrity.
Page 3/TPB 6: “Big flipping deal!” Love those PG swear words. I like the SAW-Viper’s personality, is this the first time we’ve ever seen a Cobra soldier stand up for himself? Nice change of pace, for sure.
Page 4/TPB 7: General Flagg’s death in #19 referenced, so this SAW-Viper must have been in Cobra for a while. Maybe he transferred around the various troop positions, like he started as a regular Cobra Trooper, got transferred to HISS or Stinger Driver, applied for a Crimson Guard position but wasn’t selected so tried the Viper role, got demoted to Toxo-Viper after some “incident” but did his time then moved on to Alley Viper and lastly saw a posting on the Cobra job board for the newly created SAW-Viper role and thought he'd give that a shot. Hate the comment that he “just wasted five times as many Joes in one day as your entire legions have accounted for in nine years!” This again ruins the illusion of the comic for me by pointing out its own flaws.
Page 9/TPB 10: I like how they make the Emir a prick worried more about his art than his troops.
Page 11/TPB 11: Scarlett’s response of “at least I’m not still stitched up like you are from the knife wound” seems like a very odd thing to say considering Scarlett is the one who stabbed him.
Page 14/TPB 13: Hostages chained to ASPs, now that could have been a good storyline, Cobra setting the Joes up to kill innocent civilians.
Page 17/TPB 16: First appearance of Cool Breeze, Ambush, and Recoil. Cool Breeze seems like way too much of a loud mouth to be on the recon team, definitely has personality though, can’t wait to see a lot more of him. Wouldn’t have minded seeing ol’ Tunnel Rat or Low-Light on this team (Tunnel Rat does show up in a couple of issues on another recon team though).
Page 19/TPB 18: “Cover yourself woman! Have you no modesty?” Lol what is this scene, feels so out of place it’s hilarious, like Hama threw it in here just to see if the editors were actually paying attention. (Technically, it’s there to set up the anti-woman attitude of the Middle Eastern res
... keep reading on reddit ➡Name: Katherine Rebecca Kane
Height: 5' 11"
Weight: 141 lbs
Background
"Kate Kane survived a brutal kidnapping by terrorists that left her mother dead and her twin sister lost. Following in her father's footsteps, she vowed to serve her country and attended West Point until she was expelled under 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.'" -- intro to the New 52 series
After her expulsion, Kate was inspired to fight crime by an encounter with Batman. She wears the Bat to honor his inspiration but operates independently of him.
Kate is also first cousins with both Bette Kane (AKA Flamebird/Hawkfire) and Bruce Wayne.
Note: Batwoman did not receive a full reboot with the New 52, leaving Detective Comics #854-863 and parts of 52 still canon despite taking place in the pre-Flashpoint era.
Additionally, Dark Nights: Death Metal restored everything in DCU history, even if contradictory. This will be assumed for this RT; thus, some examples are included that were technically not canon to the Prime Earth (New 52/Rebirth) era prior to this reveal. Such examples will be marked with a † here and/or in the image caption.
All sections are ordered approximately by in-universe chronology, not publication order. Brief context will be given when necessary, either here or in image captions. Some pages have been slightly edited to improve conciseness and/or readability.
New or updated entries are in bold.
Sources in hover text:
52
Batman (2016) = BM
Batman Eternal = BE
Batman: Gotham Nights (2020) = GN
Batman Incorporated = BI
Batman and Robin (2009) = BR
Batman & Robin Eternal = BRE
Batman/Superman (2019) = B/S
Batman: Urban Legends = BUL
Batgirl (2011) = BG
Batgirl (2016) = BG2
Batwoman #0: Beyond a Shadow = BAS
Batwoman (2011) = BW
Batwoman (2017) = BW2
Batwoman: Rebirth = BWR
Birds of Prey (2011) = BOP
Black Mask: Year of the Villain = BMYotV
Crime Bible: Five Lessons of Blood = CB
DC Pride = DCP
Detective Comics = DC
Final Crisis: Revelations = FCR
Justice League: Cry for Justice = CFJ
Mother Panic = MP
Nightwing (2016) = NW
The Question = TQ
Ragman (2017) = RM
Red Hood and the Outlaws (2016) = RHatO
Robin Rises: Alpha = RRA
Secret Origins = SO
Titans Special = TS
Wonder Woman (2016) = WW
Training
- Between 2-3 years of special operations training in addition to instruction from West Point; [
I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
The Cherubiim rockets from Hell Harbor's atmosphere into space, flanked by Jörmungandr and hundreds of its other summons. It leaves behind a few dozen primordial lifeforms to harass and ultimately kill the Demon Emperors, but compared to the massive Volgrim armada, the demons no longer pose the Archangels much threat.
Despite thousands of kilometers separating the Volgrim fleet from Hell Harbor's atmosphere, the Cherubiim advances upon them at an alarming speed. Within seconds, its hundreds of summons crash into the fleet, ripping their mighty ships to fragments. Of the eight thousand vessels present, more than four hundred come under immediate attack, unable to back off compared to the Cherubiim's summons' superior acceleration and maneuverability.
Primordial Angels, Titans, and Dragons treat the Volgrim ships like Christmas presents, tearing them open to expose their insides to the vacuum of the Void. The Psions on board the nearest vessels fight back, ignoring the dangers of space thanks to their durable bodies deliberately designed and modified to unleash hell in even the deadliest environments. However, their fellow Technopath and Changeling Volgrim don't possess the same physical attributes. With almost none of them adapted to the harshness of space, they perish to suffocation at alarming speeds, assuming the primordial beings assaulting their ships don't kill them first.
The Cherubiim does not engage directly in the slaughter, but instead continuously conjures shields of divine energy to protect its summons and itself from the Volgrim's counter-fire. The Technopaths in charge of the fleet unload their ordinance as quickly as possible, shelling the phantasmal monsters battering their forward-vessels with reckless abandon.
"Gunners! Aim for the Titan-Class lifeform attacking our portside nacelle! Missiles, lock onto the Winged-Monster raking our engines! Shields, rotate frequencies!"
"Watch your crossfire! Send out the Psions!"
"We may die here, but we will still honor the Founders!"
Twenty ships explode into flames within the first thirty seconds of combat. So violent is the Cherubiim's initial attack that many Changeling Observers have to scramble to rectify the data.
"Confusion! Our scans only indicated the presence of a single Archangel lifeform! Where did these hundreds of others come from?"
"Unclear. Transmit additional data back to Volgarius. Request additional assistance from the Founders."
"Response negative. The Founders have alrea
... keep reading on reddit ➡Do your worst!
Name: Pietro Vlad Sabrewulf
Race: Pseudo Vampire
Age: 578
Gender: Male
Personality: Vlad is a polite but very angry man who seeks out the thrill of battle and keeps on the facade of a laid-back jokester to hide his inner pain and hatred towards what he has become but it is also very easy to make him laugh.
Appearance:
-
Wears a black tuxedo, tap dancing shoes, a black top hat, white gloves, black shades and blood red scarf.
-
Long lanky limbs
-
Pale skin
-
Black Hair
Height and Weight: 6ft and 147kg
Class: Monster Hunter
Occupation: Leader of the Monster Hunting Guild known as the Bizarre Demon Liberation Force.
Theme: Hell over Heaven
Skills:
Tracking: Vlad is an expert tracker, able to figure out where a person or animal is after finding one or two clues.
Monster Expert: Vlad has studied up on the unholy monsters he hunts so he knows all about them.
Favoured Enemy Vampire: After becoming a pseudo vampire Vlad had sworn vengeance on that entire race of monsters and became a true expert on how to kill a vampire.
Ice Skating: While going on a expedition to the Artic to hunt down some ice demons, Vlad had trouble traversing the terrain so a friend of his taught him how to ice skate.
Tap Dancing: As young man Vlad was taught how to tap dance by his mother.
Soothing Singing Voice: Vlad's mother had also taught him how to sing many jazz songs.
Passive Abilities:
Semi-Immortality: Though he can still die Vlad is immune to aging to death and is much harder to kill as fatal injuries such as a bullet to the gnoggin won't be enough to kill him.
Devil's Sight: Being part vampire Vlad is able to see ghosts and 60ft within both normal and magical darkness.
Super Natural Senses: Vlad is able to see things from a mile away, follow the scent of a person or animal like a dog, feel the vibrations on the ground to get a feel of where everyone in a 10 foot radius is, hear the quietest whisper and figure out whether someone is lieing by tasting them.
Active Abilities:
Super-Natural Jump: Vlad can jump as high as 30ft.
Hypnosis: Vlad can hypnotize a total of three people by having them stare into his eyes for a few seconds, once hypnotized they will do
... keep reading on reddit ➡I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
They were cooked in Greece.
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
Pilot on me!!
Nothing, he was gladiator.
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
What did 0 say to 8 ?
" Nice Belt "
So What did 3 say to 8 ?
" Hey, you two stop making out "
When I got home, they were still there.
I won't be doing that today!
“Do you think Leslie will pay the tax?” Asked Marclay, breaking the silence between the two individuals. They sat in the modest and dimly-lit cockpit of the E-9 Explorer; Marclay lounged in the co-pilot’s seat with one leg thrown over the armrest casually and his head resting lazily on his fist. The chair was swiveled over ninety degrees and was mostly facing back.
Corvo sat in the other seat, piloting the ship with a bored expression. She was currently inputting their route into the computer for the proper calculations to go into hyperspace. The bright red light illuminated her smooth features in the dark. They’d travel along the Mandalorian Road via lightspeed and come out of hyperspace above Bandomeer, where Marclaay intended for them to restock their supplies and perhaps gather some fresh news. It would be but a short pitstop, in which they will immediately hop on the Braxant Run and pass by Er’Kit, though they wouldn’t be stopping there this time. Marclay only thought about it because it marked their going a full circle in their recent travels, though not unplanned.
Corvo shrugged moderately in answer to Marclay’s question. “Big L isn’t stupid,” she began slowly. “Uneducated", maybe, but he’s still smart. He’ll wait, see how the wind blows, and throw his lot in with the winning side. But…” She shrugged again, not taking her eyes off the screen. “-if he senses neither side is coming out on top, well, his crew survived on their own once, before Edson, and Les likely figures he can again.”
Marclay nodded and stifled a yawn. “Hmm, yes, I concur,” he replied quietly. “In which case, I will actually have to assuage his fears and give him the assurance he requires, ahead of schedule.”
Marclay sighed. He would sooner take their time and let Cora do their thing, but while they waited, he needed to make capital and, to do that, he needed to move product. He had to have Leslie’s boys for that, which means he needed immediate action.
“I know what you’re thinking, Marc, and while I’m happy to finally-”
“If you’re going to ask me to sit out, save your breath,” Interrupted Marclay, sitting up in the chair and spinning it to face forward as Corvo punched the hyperdrive. The Pseudomotion illusion was always Marclay’s favorite part about space-travel and seeing the stars streak like snowflakes in a blizzard blowing by the ship. He always saw beauty in it.
“I’m not your mother,” Corvo hissed in retort. “But if you go on this mission as you are now, you’ll just ge
... keep reading on reddit ➡
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
[Removed]
There hasn't been a post all year!
You take away their little brooms
It’s pronounced “Noel.”
Dozens of troopers rush to Cassiel's residence. They swarm around the exterior and sweep the perimeter, but nobody finds any indication of the Emperor of Chaos's presence. As if having stepped through time and space, he vanishes, never appearing on anyone's sensors.
Phoebe holds Cassiel in her arms while the angel quietly shakes and trembles, too petrified to move a muscle. Phoebe hastily cleans up the disgusting saliva left on her face, all while rage-filled thoughts boil in her mind.
"I won't leave you. Don't worry, I'm here for you, Cassiel. Just stay calm, take deep breaths..."
As Phoebe consoles the broken woman, Jason storms outside and grabs the nearest trooper.
"Well?! Where is he?! Don't give me that shit! You find that cocksucker! Shut down the portal and trap the motherfucker here! I'll kill him myself if I have to!"
The Wordsmith exhales so hard that his nostrils flare up and his eyes turn bloodshot. Even as the trooper stammers out several apologies, Jason continues ranting.
"How did he get here unseen, anyway?! I fully upgraded and reinforced the Core's security and scanning protocols to ensure this wouldn't happen! What, did he fall out of the fucking sky?!"
"I-I'm sorry, sir," The troopers says. "We don't know how Gressil made it past our barriers. Since he can use illusion magic, and he has some sort of teleporting ability, we think he might have-"
"I don't want you to goddamn think about what he did, I want you to make sure this doesn't happen again!" Jason roars. "What if he'd gone after Phoebe, or Hope, or even me?! Hell, if he can get past the Core, he could go anywhere in our defensive line! We can't just sit here and-"
Before Jason can continue any longer, a hand grabs onto his shoulder and forcefully spins him around. Jason scowls when he finds himself face-to-face with Belial.
"Alright, Jason. Simmer down. Stop blowing your top at this poor guy." Belial says, frowning at him. "It's not his fault."
Jason inhales and exhales several times before pushing Belial's hand away. He shoots a glare at the trooper, but then softens his expression.
"You're right. Sorry! Never mind. Keep looking for him, and let me know if you find anything."
The trooper nods hastily. "Y-yes, sir!"
He leaves Jason alone to rant at Belial.
"I didn't realize- I didn't think he could just wander in through the front fucking door." Jason growls. "This is absurd, absolutely god-damned absurd! How the hell are we supposed to deal with an illusory, te
... keep reading on reddit ➡Author note: The Cryopod to Hell is a Reddit-exclusive story with over three years of editing and refining. As of this post, the total rewrite is 1,328,000+ words long! For more information, check out the link below:
Join the Cryoverse Discord server!
Here's a list of all Cryopod's chapters, along with an ePub/Mobi/PDF version!
Want to stay up to date on TCTH? Subscribe to Cryopodbot!
...................................
(Part 001)
...
The Cherubiim rockets from Hell Harbor's atmosphere into space, flanked by Jörmungandr and hundreds of its other summons. It leaves behind a few dozen primordial lifeforms to harass and ultimately kill the Demon Emperors, but compared to the massive Volgrim armada, the demons no longer pose the Archangels much threat.
Despite thousands of kilometers separating the Volgrim fleet from Hell Harbor's atmosphere, the Cherubiim advances upon them at an alarming speed. Within seconds, its hundreds of summons crash into the fleet, ripping their mighty ships to fragments. Of the eight thousand vessels present, more than four hundred come under immediate attack, unable to back off compared to the Cherubiim's summons' superior acceleration and maneuverability.
Primordial Angels, Titans, and Dragons treat the Volgrim ships like Christmas presents, tearing them open to expose their insides to the vacuum of the Void. The Psions on board the nearest vessels fight back, ignoring the dangers of space thanks to their durable bodies deliberately designed and modified to unleash hell in even the deadliest environments. However, their fellow Technopath and Changeling Volgrim don't possess the same physical attributes. With almost none of them adapted to the harshness of space, they perish to suffocation at alarming speeds, assuming the primordial beings assaulting their ships don't kill them first.
The Cherubiim does not engage directly in the slaughter, but instead continuously conjur
... keep reading on reddit ➡Or would that be too forward thinking?
Where ever you left it 🤷♀️🤭
It was about a weak back.
