I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said

β€œJust-ice has been served”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thunderfighter6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want an ice water, a nice water, or an eye swatter?
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApeMafia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.

The changing sea son.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doogdoogdoog123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What did ice say to water?

β€œI was water before it got cool.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollo_12_CZ
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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I saw a hipster drinking ice water...

He said he liked it before it was cool. I gave him some well water and he liked it because it was so underground.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patoms2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Me every time I walk up to someone's fridge to get ice from the dispenser, I purposely set it to water and yell....

...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
🚨︎ report
"I have a bottle of eyes water. "Ice water?" "No."

http://imgur.com/4gufghR

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rigamarolexq
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad walks into bedroom with a glass of ice water for me...

Proceeds to shake glass so the ice makes a sound like a maraca. "That's cool! Get it? Cool?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/audacias
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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I spat my water
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aCkadoodledo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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If Frozen Water is Iced Water than what is Frozen ink?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SalmonMan690
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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What an absolute ewenit
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aevaeternity
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I dropped some ice making drinks today...

Kicking the ice under the fridge my wife gave me a dirty look...

"Can you forgive me?" I ask.

"Of course" she replies

"Well, I guess thats water under the Fridge then..."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agent_Sinatra
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it’s all water under the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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So i pulled this one off at dinner last night

Story tme: Last night, my family went to a fancy steak dinner to celebrate a bunch of stuff, and i was pulling my normal dad jokes, when I thought of the best one yet. So, i told everyone i thought of a great joke and was waiting for the steaks to arrive to tell it. They thanked me for warning them.

Cue steaks arriving and I pull an ice cube out of my glass of water and put it on my steak, saying:

Y'know, this is just icing on the steak!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blaidd_Golau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly slip them under the refrigerator.

Soon it will be water under the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My son is driving my wife and I crazy.

My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.

He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.

The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.

I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:

β€œI’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”

β€œHoney,” I said, β€œit’ll never work.”

β€œWhy not?!”

β€œBecause you can’t rush Art.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Airbender, Waterbender...

The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.

Girl: "I would be an airbender!"

Boy: "I'm a waterbender."

Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.

Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."

Cue evil glare from girlfriend.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomwithweather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the Hipster fall through the ice?

Because it wasn’t cool enough yet

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyGuyE
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I just hit my fiancee with this one.

The largest container we have in our house is a tea pot. and I was extra thirsty so I wanted more water than usual. So I go to the freezer and load the teapot with some ice, and fill it up with water.

Fiancee: - "What are you making?"

me: - "Ice tea."

queue eye rolls from the fiancee.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BoopiesCoin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Cool with it

Me and a classmate were working a fundraiser. He splashed me with the ice water from the drinks, and so I splashed him back. He said, "I'm cool with this."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Christine900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. Then told me I was terrible with directions. And then she added that I should stop cross dressing in her clothes. She also didn't like the female neighbor sun bathing nude in her backyard.

I nearly shit her pants, even though the ice-incident was water under the fridge! I was on the fence about the neighbor sun-bathing nude, but I packed her things and right anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A good set of dad jokes for a rainy day

Ouch I'm in alot of rain. What the hail. You little sleet. Sorry for raining on your parade I thought it would be snow problem. I'm going to sleet. What don't give me the cold shoulder. It's ice to see you. Water you doing. Fin

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Axd109
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is terrible in the kitchen

The other days I asked for a glass of iced water. She brought me a chopped onion and said β€œhere, that’ll make your eyes water.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monkibizness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you can’t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because it’s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A β€˜gram’ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a β€œcarbonkneel”


What did one titration tell the other? Let’s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Wood Float

So when I was younger my Dad would sometimes make me a root beer float/ice cream float/coke float/etc. But one day my Dad asks me, "Hey do you want a wood float?" I'm not exactly sure what a wood float is, but my experiences with floats in general have gone AMAZINGLY well through this point in my life. So I say yes without giving it too much thought. My Dad brings me a glass of water with a toothpick in it. Enormous grin on his face. Very much the opposite on mine.

I now realize at the age of 26, that the only reason he ever made me the root beer floats and other floats, was just to set me up for one of the Daddest jokes of all time.

Having said that, I will be using this on my child.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guinos66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife dad-joke'd me while I was showering.

So I was enjoying my nice warm shower. She says "Do you always take cold showers in the morning?" I say, "I'm not taking a cold shower."

She says "...yet", and pour ice cold water on me.

I would've groaned, but I was too busy shrinking.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hm03surf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
🚨︎ report
The chef and I were telling a coworker how to make fresh pasta.

Me: "Making pasta is super simple, all you really need is flour, eggs, and salt"

Chef: "Well you need water too, but that should be obvious"

Me: "Actually you can use ice instead of water, you just have to make sure it's thawed"

Everyone listening: "Ugh..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IONTOP
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
🚨︎ report
My dog's name is Yoyo

Dad: It's 100 degrees outside. Give Yoyo some ice water before she turns into a hotdog.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sorryifarted
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
🚨︎ report
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.

The changing sea son.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doogdoogdoog123
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
When you realize that water is hipster.

That ice was water before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StochasticTinkr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
So I'm at a bar with my friend the other day...

Bartender comes over to get our drinks, we're both interested in hydrating to start off with and we order waters.

Bartender asks if we want ice water or just water.

We both say we'd like ice in our water.

So then I say, "well, you could say it's ice water squared."

My buddy then lowers his head and says, "Bro, they come cubed..."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goldraven
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Son got me good yesterday morning

Yesterday morning at 10am my kids came to wake me up for family day. I'd worked late the night before and I was pretty groggy and completely dehydrated.

Son: "Time to get up dad!"

Me: "I'll get up, but could you go grab my water bottle and put some cold water in it?"

(2 minutes pass while his sister jumps on my head)

Son (with special grin on his face): "Here you go, Dad."

(I take the bottle and cautiously take a sip. I get a little dribble of water and realize the whole thing is full of ice.)

Me: ...

Son: You asked for cold water, you didn't specify how cold.

Me: ...that's my boy.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quackdamnyou
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked/complimented my wife

Her: I only drink water with ice if I'm hot. Me: so, always water with ice?

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quigongene
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
🚨︎ report

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