I’m out of shape because I was possessed by a lazy ghost.

I could use some exorcise.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I never knew how possessive Time was.

So many ours.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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4 prisoners are telling each other what they were convicted for

The First man says: I committed 2nd degree murder

The Second says: I committed: 1st degree assault

The Third says: I committed 1st degree possession of drugs

The Fourth man simply says: Arson

The Second man asks him: What degree was it?

The Fourth man responds: I'm not sure, it was pretty hot though. About 525 Celsius-ish

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsectNation1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?

He was done for possession of coke.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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A ghost was arrested for haunting someone’s butt.

It was charged with possession of crack.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I had burnt my hand and was arrested

I was charged with unlawful possession of a firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpiderKnight68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Dadjoked the executive board room today

Got quite a few groans I was pretty proud of today!

We were talking about hiring a new manager for a field team, and it turned out the guy we liked the most had several felony convictions for gun possession.

COO: I'm not sure we can take the risk, despite his valuable experience.
Me: Well guys, at least we know he'll stick to his guns.

I'll make a very good dad one day.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tombodadin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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A demon was arrested today

It was charged with possession.

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amishandroid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
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I'll never date another apostrophe.

The last one was too possessive.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStabbingHobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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A man was arrested...

A man carrying a ruler, a protractor, and a calculator was arrested tonight for being in possession of instruments of math instruction.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverwingedOther
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
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Dude, you're getting a DUI

Today at work a different FedEx delivery dude shows up, makes the "dude you got a Dell!" reference (since he was delivering a computer) and then proceeds to say how we don't see those commercials anymore because the actor was jailed for marijuana possession. Everyone heard it wrong and thought our normal guy was in jail, to which my boss replies, "Weed? I thought that was a Gateway drug!"

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidtermMassacre
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Got my friends while talking about Buddhists

Me and my friends were talking about religions that don't have "possession" (I don't know if that's the right word for it) of sacred lands.

> Friend: Yeah the Buddhists would really like Tibet back too.

> Me: Wait, I thought it was against their moral code to gamble?

Groans were heard all around.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/funkmastaschnob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2015
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I'll never date another apostrophe...

...the last one was too possessive.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
🚨︎ report

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