I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโt happy at all. โHow much have you had to drink?โ she asked sternly, staring at me. โNothingโ I slurred. โLook at me!โ she shouted. โItโs either me or the pub, which one is it?โ
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
๐︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I canโt see you if you donโt move.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
๐︎ 25
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
๐︎ 5
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︎ Feb 11 2021
My wife, Ming, told me, "You would look more professional without that funny bow tie." I have to wear it though. I explained to her, "My jokes aren't funny without...
๐︎ 9
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
๐︎ 18
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︎ Nov 23 2019
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"
"You have perfect eyesight"
๐︎ 17
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︎ Feb 14 2020
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
๐︎ 45
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︎ Jul 02 2019
I went to my doctor because I had some abdomen pain. He confirmed โit looks you have acute appendicitisโ
I replied โThat doesnโt sound very cute to ME, doc...โ
๐︎ 6
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︎ Oct 04 2019
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
๐︎ 8
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︎ May 24 2019
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, โWhat are you doing climbing my tree?โ โWell, Iโm coming up here to eat some pears.โ says the elephant.
โYou idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!โ
โWell I brought my own pears.โ
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︎ Dec 23 2018
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
๐︎ 8
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︎ Feb 25 2019
I went over to my dad's house this morning for breakfast. With a worried look, I turned to him and said, "Dad, did you know there's mold in your fridge?"
He came over and saw this. I honestly don't know why he wasn't prepared for that.
๐︎ 9
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︎ Dec 14 2018
I said to a young pirate, "You look mighty young to be a buccaneer."
But I must have been wrong; he said, "I'm eighty."
(Aye, matey)
๐︎ 8
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︎ Nov 09 2017
Me: Every time I drive by cows I always honk to see if they will turn and look. Dad: You want to know why they don't respond? Me: why? Dad: Because their horns don't work.
๐︎ 4
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︎ Jan 03 2015
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnโt happy at all. โHow much have you had to drink?โ she asked sternly, staring at me. โNothingโ I slurred. โLook at me!โ she shouted. โItโs either me or the pub, which one is it?โ
I paused for a second while I thought and said, โItโs you. I can tell by the voice.โ
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 10 2020
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