I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I can’t see you if you don’t move.
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
My wife, Ming, told me, "You would look more professional without that funny bow tie." I have to wear it though. I explained to her, "My jokes aren't funny without...
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"
"You have perfect eyesight"
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
I went to my doctor because I had some abdomen pain. He confirmed “it looks you have acute appendicitis”
I replied “That doesn’t sound very cute to ME, doc...”
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...
I went over to my dad's house this morning for breakfast. With a worried look, I turned to him and said, "Dad, did you know there's mold in your fridge?"
He came over and saw this. I honestly don't know why he wasn't prepared for that.
I said to a young pirate, "You look mighty young to be a buccaneer."
But I must have been wrong; he said, "I'm eighty."
(Aye, matey)
Me: Every time I drive by cows I always honk to see if they will turn and look. Dad: You want to know why they don't respond? Me: why? Dad: Because their horns don't work.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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